The future is now!
Scientists have apparently perfected time travel…but only a couple months into the future…and, uh, they apparently can only bring back cereal: not any lottery numbers, sports almanacs, or whatever cryptocurrency is most valuable at the time (CrunchCoin?).
Okay maybe not, but breakfast wormholes are the only logical explanation for how the wonderful fellas at MyCountyMarket got ahold of not I, not II, and not III, but IV (allegedly: none are confirmed) upcoming cereals from General Mills—cereals so exciting and new that I’m cancelling the New Year’s Resolutions I haven’t even made yet.*
Let’s take a gander at our soon-to-be-spooned pantry-stuffers, shall we?
*UPDATE: MyCountryMarket’s video has been removed for reasons unknown.
First up: Lucky Charms with Frosted Flakes (of corn), arguably the most fascinating one of the bunch.
It’s a calculated risk by Lucky Charms to ditch their iconic crispy oats—to anyone over the age of 14, the oats are just as appealing as the marshmallows, since after puberty, eating a swirling bowl of sweet iridescent marshmallows becomes more of a queasy than easy endeavor. And it’s even more risky to incur the wrath of Tony the Tiger. Though the GRRRanulated jungle cat doesn’t have exclusive rights to the phrase “Frosted Flakes,” his “…with Marshmallows” cereal is so similar to this that we might soon be seeing a breakfast aisle cat-fight.
Though I predict Lucky’s cereal will be tastier, I certainly wouldn’t bet on a leprechaun in a cage match against a tiger.
2018 has been a huge year for delicious new and returned Cheerios varieties—if Time Magazine gave a hoot about breakfast, they’d make their year in review cover a single Cheerio with the word “Yeah” beside it.
That’s why, even though peach isn’t my favorite flavor—when you say Georgia, I think of the typeface before the fruit—I know I’ll be gobbling and cobbling down boxes of this stuff come 2018. The only question is how Peach Cheerios will be coated with flavor. Will they be glazed like Honey Nut? Baked in like Honey Nut? Studded with peachy keen lil bits like Very Berry? Or dusted with more powder than an invisible laser tripwire in a heist movie—like Chocolate Peanut Butter?
Who knows what the future holds for this “Most Likely To Succeed” cereal student. Maybe General Mills will embed the whole lot of rings in a giant peach. You know, James-style.
Speaking of flavor-blasted, General Mills’ seemingly new cereal brand—the first one since the rise and fall of Tiny Toast—is more flavor-blasted than an Xplosive Pizza Goldfish getting a spray tan made of nacho cheese.
Despite its early-2000s-skateboarding-movie-esque name and bold design, Shreds appears to just be shredded wheat + a sweet jacket of sparkling taste. Perhaps not exciting on the surface, but when you put the words Cinnamon Toast Crunch in front of it, my taste buds perk up like a hundred sweet and sour deer who heard a hunter blink too aggressively. Seriously, you could put “Cinnamon Toast Crunch” in front of the words “soap,” “cactus,” or “eel pie” and I’d probably try it in a bowl with milk.
Now that General Mills, Kellogg’s, and Post are all in the frosted shredded wheat game, I sense a battle royale brewing. Your move, Cap’n Crunch.
And somehow, Peanut Butter Chocolate Shreds are even more exciting. Mostly because with the birth of these Shreds, General Mills will have a complete trilogy of peanut butter chocolate cereals, alongside Reese’s Puffs and those new Cheerios.
Those two are fantastic, so I have high hopes for these Shreds to become the Holy Toast to those two’s Chocolate Father and Peanut Butter Son.
So there you have it: four 2018 gifts to look forward to before you even unwrap your holiday presents. Feel free to use the comments below to say which tops your wish list—I bet Santa will be peeved that he’s getting cookies and milk again instead of Shreds.
Big thanks to MyCountyMarket for sharing their video and all the photos (be aware that these are not final box art renders and are subject to change) here. Be sure to follow them for more prescient new food sorcery. Maybe if I sacrifice a bowl of Golden Grahams to them, I can get the Eggnog Toast Crunch I’ve always wanted.