While the respective Golden Ages of Hollywood, video games, and breakfast cereal are (arguably) over, there are still plenty of things we’re still in the Golden Age of: memes, on-demand Full House re-runs, and yes, Oreo cookies.
Whereas the 20th century closed with only the most basic of Oreo flavors, and the early 2000s dawdled about with simple novelties like the Uh-Oh Oreo and Oreo Cakesters—which are, to be fair, still my favorite ever Oreo. I will forever lay psychic flowers on their imagined grave—the last couple years have seen a Doubled Stuffed explosion of more wacky Oreo varieties than my non-mathematics degree permits me to count. And now, with the recent, literally explosive release of cracklin’ Fireworks Oreo (and Waffles and Syrup Oreo, which I’ve wanted since I first met Hungry Jack), Oreo is letting fans brainstorm the newest flavor. Sandwich cookie savants can then enter ideas online for a chance to win $500,000, a trip to NYC, and their cookie concept brought to life.
And since we’re also in the Golden Age of me not being able to find enough new products to review—especially not those elusive Jolly Rancher Pop-Tarts that I’ve skulked through enough Walgreens to find that I deserve some kind of disturbed customer loyalty coupon for half off king-sized Peanut M&M’s at any participating Walgreens (or something like that)—I thought it would be fun to think up some cereal-themed Oreo varieties to enter in this #MyOreoCreation sweepstakes.
Cereal’s made it into Oreo cookies before, and Oreo has joined cereal to make the single greatest breakfast of all time, so this mutualistic relationship is proof that there’s enough cereal–Oreo potential to fill a new grocery aisle. We’ll call it the OreO’s aisle. And put it right by checkout so I can make a quick and shameless exit with an armful of crinkling cookie packages at roughly 2am each night.
Anyway, here are 5 Oreo ideas that’ll make Nabisco want to revoke my internet access.
Honey Nut Oreo Cookies
I know honey nut isn’t an exclusive cereal flavor, but as I mentioned in a previous, stomach-churning review…it pretty much is. If Cheerios isn’t the first thing the words “Honey Nut” make you think of, you must be an actual, hyper-intelligent bear who somehow learned to use the internet.
if this is the case: please don’t hurt me: take all the money from my wallet and salmon from my freezer.
Surprisingly, there have never been any honey or almond Oreo flavors before in America, despite each cookie’s obvious resemblance to a macaron. There have been graham Oreo wafers before, but I think it’s about time the creme itself got a hot injection of nutty buckwheat. This is probably the most realistic option on my list, which is why I’m nearly 100% confident everyone, their grandma, and their weird beekeeping uncle have already thought of it.
Guess I’ll have to stop pulling punches and get weirder.
Island Berry Cereal Oreo Cookies
Or should I say, “stop pulling Crunches”?
If you’re still here after that joke, meet perhaps my favorite idea here: the Cap’n Crunch Oreo. Of course, I couldn’t legally use the Cap’n’s notorious name, so I opted for something that more generically covered the tropically fruity and coconut oily flavor of a Crunch Berry, which I imagine would be smushed up and stuffed inside the creme, which would in turn be sandwiched inside a golden wafer that smacks of Cap’n Crunch’s treasure chest pieces. Fruity Crisp Oreo came reasonably close to perfecting the “fruity cereal Oreo” concept, but I want more ambiguous cherry–blueberry and toasted oats, darn it! And I want the cookeis on my desk by 5, with photos of Spider-Man dunking them!
Now that I think about it, the folks behind Neopets Islandberry Crunch could probably still scrounge together a lawsuit against this name if this idea won, but I think they have better things to do.
Like rigging all the Poogle Races that I totally should have won back in my youth.
Raisin Bran Oreo Cookies
Wait, wait! Before you boo me out of the room on this one, just hear me out:
There would be crunchy honey granola bits inside the creme.
Okay fine. I’ll see myself out.
Overcooked Brown Sugar Cinnamon Toaster Pastry Oreo Cookies
Oreo cookies and Pop-Tarts are two of my favorite “you shouldn’t be eating these, but they make you feel like a kid again so what the heck, dig in” treats, so I’d love to see the two team up in sandwich cookie form—after all, Pop-Tarts has a Cookies & Creme variety, so it’s only fair that Oreo should return the flavor.
The problem is that most of Pop-Tart’s popular flavors have already been made into Oreo cookies, and “Jolly Rancher Frosted Sour Green Apple Oreo” is a little too specific, even for my tastes. That’s why I thought it’d be fun to put a twist on a famous Pop-Tart—sorry Perry Mason: “toaster pastry”—with an extra flavor that you only can get from a Pop-Tart: the golden brown and darkly caramelized, sweet, sweet revenge of a forgotten toaster.
I don’t know whether this mouthwatering malt would be infused into the creme or the cookie, but I do know one thing: each Overcooked Brown Sugar Cinnamon Toaster Pastry Oreo Cookie would have a segmented creme center—just like Filled Cupcake or Chocolate Strawberry Oreo—that’s hotter than lava and horribly burns your tongue.
What? It’s all about the authentic experience!
That Last Spoonful of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. You Know, The One That’s Pretty Much All Cinnamon Sugar and Milk? Yeah, That One. Oreo Cookies
Speaking of cinnamon and bad ideas, here’s my magnum opus. Perfectly flavored like the last spoonful of the last bowl from a bag of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and stuffed with cinna-cereal crunchies, this hyper-sweet cereal milk Oreo would melt through molars like Godzilla’s breath through a butter-filled balloon—and taste about as sweetly spicy.
If you couldn’t tell by the copyright-infringing name, poor PhotoShop job, and the fact that these would pretty much just taste like Cinnamon Bun Oreo cookies, I kind of ran out of steam with this idea. Oh well, Mondelez International probably already put me on their “no-fly list” three Oreo ideas ago. I’ll just make my own TLSoCTCYKTOTPMACSaMYTO cookies by steeping a Golden Oreo in my own cereal endmilk.
If you don’t hear from me in a week, I probably drowned face first in it.
Thanks for checking out #MyOreoCreations: I owe you all a mummified Oreo Cakester and five minutes of your life back. If you see any great ideas I missed or just want to share your own, feel free to do so in the comments, and check out the contest’s full rules here. Now to see how many of these I can tweet before Oreo blocks me.