Author Archives: dan g.

Review: Trader Joe’s Tart Cherry, Chia and Pumpkin Seed Oatmeal

Trader Joe's Cherry, Chia and Pumpkin Seed Oatmeal Cup

Consider the humble cherry.

Long-overshadowed by strawberry, the people’s champion, and grape, its cheaper taste analogue, cherry has been trapped in a breakfast aisle pitfall for decades. Sure, there’s Frute Brute, who’s currently trapped in General Mills’s monster mausoleum  for…well…ever, probably. And there are Cherry Pop-Tarts, who go unnoticed like the rosy-cheeked nerd girl in every teen movie whose sweetness is only revealed to the one boy brave enough to give her a chance (my Pop-Tart metaphors are complex).

But other than those two and a few obscure health cereals, cherry is very rarely seen as breakfast fare. Which is unfair, because any fruit that tops sundaes and acts as the Kool-Aid Man’s lifeblood deserves a spot at my table.

Thankfully, Trader Joe—a longtime liberator of unsung and under-appreciated flavors—is giving cherry a shot in his latest instant oatmeal cup. This is the same Joseph who once one-upped Pop-Tarts by cramming both cherry and pomegranate into a single toaster pastry,  a mad feat I haven’t seen since 1998, when The Undertaker threw Mankind off Hell In A Cell, sending him plummeting 16ft through an announcer’s table.

Staying true to his squirrelly status as “the Uncle Joey of grocery stores,” Trader Joe also stuffed chia and pumpkin seeds into this plastic oat cylinder. Let’s celebrate the dawn of spring by watching this one blossom in the microwave. Continue reading

Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterPin on PinterestShare on TumblrShare on RedditShare on Google+

News: Birthday Cake Froot Loops is Coming Soon to Canada

And just like that, Canada takes the lead!

I swear, 2017 so far has just been a back-and-forth battle between the U.S. and Canada to see who can release the coolest cereal exclusives. To name just a few of this crunchy conflict’s top warriors, banana bread and marshmallowy oatmeal have led Team Canada, while America’s platoon has been led by cookies, cookies, and, uh…more cookies.

It’s been a real war of nutrition attrition, with the only real winners being those who live along the border. But I think it’ll be hard for the States to retaliate against their northern neighbors’ latest cereal salvo: Birthday Cake Froot Loops, coming this summer to celebrate Canada’s 150th anniversary.

The first known photo of this stuff comes courtesy of JunkFoodCanada on Instagram, who I can only assume acquired the picture through some top secret breakfast espionage involving bowl-touting drones and lasers reflected off spoons.

I have no idea what Birthday Cake Froot Loops will taste like—or why Kellogg’s Canada gave such a custardy vanilla flavor to a fruity cereal instead of, say, Frosted Flakes (they could’ve called them “Frosting Flakes!”)—but based on the color, I’m hoping it has a nice strawberry shortcake or cherry vanilla flavor.

My silent apologies to any kid who got a strawberry shortcake for his birthday. They may be good, but strawberry shortcakes will never hold a blubbery candle to Fudgie the Whale.

Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterPin on PinterestShare on TumblrShare on RedditShare on Google+

Review: Cinnamon Toast Crunch Granola Snack

Cinnamon Toast Crunch Granola Snack Bag

Take that, Canada!

You may get exclusive, drool-worthy Lucky Charms and Cinnamon Toast Crunch Oatmeals, but we here in the States are getting our own cereal-oat hybrid with new Honey Nut Cheerios and Cinnamon Toast Crunch granolas! In fact, this stuff is actually better than granola, because it’s a “Granola Snack!”

Just why is a Granola Snack better than plain ol’ oat clusters? Because with the word “Snack” in the name, I’m justified in munching through a whole bag anywhere, at any time, no matter how ridiculous I look.

Stuck in rush hour traffic and every radio station is playing commercials at the same time? Keep a Granola Snack in your cupholder.

Halfway through a stationary bicycle workout and need something to do with your hands? Double fist two Granola Snacks.

Grocery store ran out of stuffing mix and the turkey’s already in the oven? Spice up your bird with some cornbread and a Cinnamon Toast Crunch Granola Snack.

But okay, okay, I shouldn’t propose ruining Thanksgiving until I know this stuff’s actually good. Let’s go find a spin class and test it out. Continue reading

Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterPin on PinterestShare on TumblrShare on RedditShare on Google+

Review: St. Patrick’s Day Edition Lucky Charms with Green Clovers Cereal

St. Patrick's Day Lucky Charms with Green Clovers All Shamrocks Box

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! Or as it’s known in the cereal community, “Unofficial But Pretty Much Official Lucky Charms Day!”

Because let’s be real here: if there were ever a thematically appropriate day to suck down leprechaun-endorsed oats and marshmallows by the beer stein-full, it’s St. Patrick’s Day.

As they always do, General Mills and Lucky Charms themselves have acknowledged the iconic cereal’s spiritual tie to this day of green by releasing an especially enviable Lucky Charms with Green Clovers! This cereal has been released before in a number of forms: 2017’s two-toned, minty fresh and earthen pine green shamrock marshmallows aren’t new, but previous years have also seen our four-leaved friends paired with sugary pots o’ gold and gold coins.

Who knows: maybe next year Lucky Charms will “Mix Up” these marshmallows like they did with the others, and we’ll finally get the black and neon pink marbits my edgy high school self always dreamt of.  Continue reading

Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterPin on PinterestShare on TumblrShare on RedditShare on Google+

Spooned & Spotted: Double Chocolate Krave with More Chocolate

Kellogg's Now More Chocolate Double Chocolate Krave Cereal

I usually hate the Internet’s tendency to call any thing within a thing “thing-ception.” I love DiCaprio as much as the next guy, but this is pretty much my generation’s equivalent of unnecessarily affixing “-gate” to even the mildest snafu or ill-timed social media post from a pizza company.

That said, I think I’m perfectly justified in calling Kellogg’s new More Chocolate Double Chocolate Krave “Chocolate-ception.” After all, Double Chocolate Krave was initially released as a more chocolaty version of original Krave. So a more chocolaty version of an already more chocolaty cereal seems so deliciously redundant that Xzibit is probably out there somewhere crying a single tear of joy without even knowing why.

Of course, that’s not going to stop me from plowing through boxes of this stuff—with added chocolate milk and Hershey’s syrup and sprinkles and a crumbled up cookie because why not? Even though I made fun of original More Chocolate Krave’s concept in my review, that stuff has completely ruined “regular chocolate” Krave for me. It just tastes so bland now without a plumper biscuit shell and roughly 20% more creamy chocolate filling.

So even though I look forward to losing myself in More Chocolate Double Chocolate Krave’s deepest limbo level, my heart still goes out to Krave S’Mores. See, Krave S’Mores isn’t mentioned on any of the new “More Chocolate” packaging, leading me to assume that it’s either being discontinued, or it’s just never getting this Doritos-esque x-treme chocolate infusion.

Or who knows, maybe Kellogg’s is still perfecting the technology for a “More Marshmallowy Krave S’Mores” cereal that stuffs a full Jet-Puffed mini ‘mallow into each piece.

Do you have a cool cereal photo to share (I spotted these at Meijer)? Feel free to pass it along on our submissions page, or just email us at cerealously.net@gmail.com. There’s a good chance your picture could be featured on the site.

Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterPin on PinterestShare on TumblrShare on RedditShare on Google+

Review: Bear Naked Chocolate Almond Clusters Cereal

Bear Naked Chocolate Almond Clusters Cereal Box

According to the box, Bear Naked Cereal’s new Chocolate Almond Clusters are “APPROVED BY BEARS.”

Personally, I’d like to see the National Bear Advisory Board’s citations on this, because like many mammals, bears can’t eat chocolate! The stuff contains theobromine, a chemical that’s toxic to our furry friends. So why, then, would the entire bear population sign off—in all capital letters, no less—on a cereal that contains enough cocoa to have them growling “oh no” as they cartoonishly grip their stomachs like Yogi Bear after stealing a picnic basket full of potato salad that’s been in the sun too long?

Are they trying to fatten us up with a calorie-dense breakfast so we taste better later? Are the bears just bad at reading contractual fine print? Or is this all just a pointlessly long-winded introduction I wrote to hide the fact that I spent $4 on this cereal?

The answer to all three is yes. Continue reading

Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterPin on PinterestShare on TumblrShare on RedditShare on Google+

News: Ben & Jerry’s Cereal Splashback Ice Cream is Making Cereal Milk a Dessert Star

Ben & Jerry's Cereal Ice Cream

(Image via Ben & Jerry’s)

The leftover milk at the bottom of the bowl is the unsung hero of breakfast cereal. Infused with the eroded sugary essence of a million flakes, loops, pebbles, or maple Parisian bread slices, this swirlingly sweet milk is so good that I even unknowingly coined* a term for it: “endmilk.”

*By “coined,” I mean that I always thought endmilk was the stuff’s proper taxonomic name, until spellcheck’s angry red squiggle told me otherwise

But now instead of being an oft-forgotten appendix to breakfast that some people even (*gasp*) pour down the drain, cereal milk is becoming dessert’s decadent guest of honor, as Ben & Jerry’s has debuted three new Cereal Splashback flavors inspired by iconic cereals and their endmilk: Continue reading

Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterPin on PinterestShare on TumblrShare on RedditShare on Google+

Happy National Cereal Day 2017: Dan’s Top 5 Obscure Cereal Mascots

National Cereal Day Shirt

Finally: now that all those Hallo-Thanks-‘mas-New-Valen-hog things are over, we can celebrate the real most wonderful time of the year.

That’s right, it’s March 7th: National Cereal Day! Today’s our day, breakfast lovers. A day when we can run a shoe buffer over our favorite shiny spoon, eat Cocoa Puffs for every meal plus dessert (which we were going to do anyway), and make fun of health-conscious cereal haters—because you don’t see kale smoothies getting their own national holiday, do you?

As usual, the Lucky Charming, Cinnamon Toasting folks at General Mills gifted me an awesome, retro-themed National Cereal Day care package. With a sturdy cereal bowl and t-shirt celebrating this holiday’s “OGs,” a suite of cereal boxes, an actual Rubik’s Cube, and more holographic plastic squiggles than their are permutations of a Rubik’s Cube, this care package is as wholesome as it is bowl-some.

Last year I celebrated National Cereal Day by counting down my favorite cereals of all time. As March 7th approached and my calendar’s ink started running under the worried grip of my sweaty mitts, I wasn’t sure how to follow this for Cerealously’s second year on the world wide web. But after looking at General Mills’s included “fun fact” sheet, it dawned on me: Continue reading

Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterPin on PinterestShare on TumblrShare on RedditShare on Google+