Author Archives: dan g.

Review: Cinnamon Toast Crunch Lip Balm

General Mills Cinnamon Toast Crunch Lip Balm Chapstick Packaging

What can I say: sometimes I just love cereal so much, I want to kiss it.

I know, I know: a bad one-liner to introduce a bad review. But since this Cinnamon Toast Crunch Lip Balm is the first ever non-edible product I’ve reviewed here, I didn’t know how else to start.

If the antiquated art didn’t give it away, this lip balm totally isn’t new, but I found it in a local grocery bargain bin—along with 10(!) other cereal “flavors”—and I couldn’t resist. I was tempted to drop a crisp green Alexander Hamilton, buy all of them, and coat my mouth ’til it became a living pair of those candy wax lips, but I found some self-restraint and chose the one that sounded like it’d be the most pleasant to have slathered near my taste buds all afternoon.

I’m not saying Cocoa Puff-smacked lips isn’t an appetizing idea, I’m just saying I’ve had enough public Mr. Goodbar mishaps to give me pause. Continue reading

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Classic Review: Kellogg’s Raisin Bran Cereal

Kellogg's Raisin Bran Cereal Review Box

If keeping up-to-date on new cereals is this website’s main mission, then its side quest is to review every kind of raisin bran available on shelves. To everyone out there who hates raisin bran: I’m sorry, but I have to do this for me. As a self-appointed man of the bran, I want my legacy to be “mild-mannered dude with a bizarre passion for pairing dried, wrinkly fruit with grains and milk.”

That phrase better be in my eulogy, or else I swear I’m haunting all of you.

I’ve made good progress on my raisin bran review journey: from the world’s first raisin to undoubtedly the world’s best (so far), I’ve populated Cerealously with enough synonyms for “juicy raisins” to make a thesaurus go extinct. Of course, there are some notable absences—Raisin Nut Bran’s life-changing nut-covered raisins come to mind—and some that slipped into discontinuation before I could photograph them—rest in lame, flavorless pieces, Total Raisin Bran—but the biggest name missing from my raisin bran library has always been Kellogg’s plain ol’, original Raisin Bran.

I think it’s time we put this case to rest—and put the 98% of my readers who don’t care about raisin bran to sleep. Continue reading

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Review: Burger King Froot Loops Shake

Burger King Froot Loops Shake

“I love this thing. I actually just had Froot Loops at 3a.m. last night—cereal really is great at any time of the day.”

You know a milkshake is gonna be good when you order it and the Burger King cashier feels inspired to gush over cereal. It was this serendipitous cereal fanboyism that made me certain BK’s new Froot Loops Shake would be true to its namesake breakfast classic before I even tried it.

When I first heard about this cereal milkshake, I was instantly excited. It sounded like the ol’ creepily masked monarch who gave humanity the Whopper had really outdone himself this time by mixing vanilla soft serve, Froot Loops cereal bits, a tantalizingly ambiguous “sweet sauce,” and whipped topping. But would the actual thing live up? I emerged from my tent outside a local Burger King bleary-eyed and thirsty for  gooey, iridescently sugar-chunked dairy.

(Okay, I didn’t actually camp out waiting, but my brain hasn’t thought about anything else for this past week except Froot Loops Shakes and the occasional Reese’s Egg.) Continue reading

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Why Is Honey Nut Cheerios America’s Best-Selling Cereal? | Infographic


For an impressive 8 (picture two Cheerios stacked on top of each other) years now, Honey Nut Cheerios has been named the best-selling cereal in America.

I would call this unbelievable, but after growing up with a father who exported enough empty Honey Nut Cheerios boxes from our household to build a cardboard replica of the entire Bee Movie set, I’ve experienced first-hand the zealous loyalty this hive-minded cereal can inspire.

But just why does this cereal keep breakfast lovers buzzing nearly 40 years after its introduction? After all, there are other cereals that are sweeter, healthier, or more chocolate chip cookie-shaped. I’ve always wanted to mix some investigative journalism into this blog’s normal stew of reviews and news, so I did some research, flexed my puny graphical muscles, and made an infographic. Click to see it in its full glory:

Why Honey Nut Cheerios is America's Best-Selling Cereal

Are you a true Honey Nut Cheerios bee-liever too? Let me know below just what attracts you to these irresistibly golden-glazed rings. Maybe you and my dad can start a fan club.

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Chex Quest HD: New Gameplay Teaser and an Interview with Art Director Charles Jacobi

 

If you’re a regular reader—or if you’ve ever just encountered me at a party after one too many Yoo-hoos or Crystal Pepsis—you know I love Chex Quest. I’ve written a tribute to it before, an original CD copy is among my prized possessions, and I’ve often half-jokingly considered getting Lord Snotfolus tattooed across my shoulder blades.

And now the game is being given new life with Chex Quest HD—an Unreal Engine 4 remake currently in development—and I’m giddier than an 8-year old with 50 free hours of America Online and a whole Saturday afternoon to spend them on. Pour yourself a bowl of Chex (or just some Muddy Buddies and milk: we won’t tell) and check out the world premiere of the game in motion above. Continue reading

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Review: Honey Nut Cheerios Granola Snack

Honey Nut Cheerios Granola Snack Cereal Pouch

Have you ever been eating Honey Nut Cheerios in one hand and Pop Rocks in the other and thought, “Gee, I really wish someone would combine the best of these two completely different foods. That way I could have a free hand for high-fiving strangers, wrangling rattlesnakes, and writing obtusely obscure hypotheticals into online cereal reviews?”

Well think no more and start mindlessly munching, because General Mills’s new Honey Nut Cheerios Granola Snack is about to make your obtuse problem feel a lot more right.

And yes: that was a geometry joke. Continue reading

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News: Burger King’s Froot Loop Milkshake is Coming Soon!

Burger King Froot Loops Shake

Okay fine, Toucan Sam. You got me. This really does Froot my Loops.

Everyone’s favorite nose-following mascot has been pushing his new “Whatever Froots Your Loops” slogan across social media, in everything from tweets to SnapChat filters. Ol’ Toucan Samuel has even been using it in a much-advertised Froot Loops Milkshake recipe video that I’ve seen on Instagram more times than that milkshake has calories.

Sherbet? Unicorn pop 🦄? This milkshake is definitely not vanilla. Whatever Froots Your Loops.

A post shared by Kellogg's Froot Loops (@frootloops) on

That slogan must not have inspired much milkshake motivation, because now Burger King is cutting out the middle man and making a real Froot Loops Shake for us. The moral of the story? If you don’t want to make your own dessert, just be lazy for long enough and a plastic-masked monarch will lovingly pour it right into your lap.

The $2.99 shake is hitting Burger King on April 17th, so mark your calendar, stake out your local BK for a good place to pitch a tent, and prepare you taste buds for trampling—this is gonna be like Black Friday, just with a lot more lactose.

And speaking of which, Burger King describes the Froot Loops Milkshake as containing “Velvety Vanilla-flavored Soft Serve, FROOT LOOPS® Cereal pieces and sweet sauce are hand spun to perfection to create a twist on one of America’s classic breakfast cereals.”

I don’t know what “sweet sauce” is, but I know I’d like it served from wine glasses at my wedding.

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Review: Trader Joe’s Organic Frosted Brown Sugar & Cinnamon Toaster Pastries

Trader Joe's Organic Frosted Brown Sugar & Cinnamon Toaster Pastries Box

Toaster pastry family dynamics are confusing.

Take the Brown Sugar Cinnamons, for example. From Kellogg’s to Kroger, every brand under the toaster oven’s warming sun has a unique take on Brown Sugar Cinnamon, but they all taste different. Sometimes, I like to try connecting each doughy rectangle on an imaginary family tree.

You have the OG pastry, Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop-Tart, a sweet and sugary gal who was clearly raised by a “fun parent:” the kind of hyperactive, dad joke-slinging manchild who I aspire to be someday. You have Cinnamon Roll with Brown Sugar Toaster Strudels, who stays cold and aloof in his room until you warm him up and he comes alive. And you have Cinnamon + Brown Sugar Megpie, the plump child who ran away from home to become a barista and eat one too many Starbucks marble loaves during his break.

Now there’s Trader Joe’s new Brown Sugar & Cinnamon Toaster Pastry. He must’ve been raised by the family’s all organic, hippy grandma out west. Just why do I say that? Well let’s ask the quirky quadrilateral himself. Continue reading

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