Author Archives: dan g.

News: General Mills’ 2023 New Cereal Lineup

General Mills New 2023 Cereals

Ugh, every year they just keep moving it up, huh? I mean, the squirrel-munched remnants of Halloween are only just starting to mushify on our nation’s porches, yet their noble decomposition is already being overshadowed by all this jolly merriment. It’s really the ultimate disrespect to Thanksgiving, if you ask me, to see its stuffing of legends snubbed in favor of the feasting to come.

The break-feasting, that is.

Oh, sorry, did you think I was talking about the Christmas creep? Oh (ho ho), no: I’m referring to a different phenomenon I’m dubbing the Cereal…uh, squirm? See, January is the hottest month of the year for new cereal news, and usually the industry’s big-name breakfasters at least wait until late November to tease their New Year’s Resolution busters. But it seems General Mills just couldn’t wait to spill the beans, oats, and marbits, because their January lineup was announced just today. In fact, you might even be able to find them in the nebulously unnamed “select stores” this very month.

And folks, this munchable menagerie’s a good’n. Let’s take a look (long before we can take a bite). Continue reading

Review: Franken Berry and Boo Berry Yoplait Yogurts

Franken Berry and Boo Berry Yogurts Review.- Packaging

Oh, Trix Yogurt, how I’ve missed you.

Not in a “physical scarcity” sense, mind you. Trix Yogurt took a 5 year hiatus from shelves around 2016, so yes, for a while, that nostalgic itch was impossible to scratch (unless you were a lunchlady, because you could still order the stuff from General Mills’ foodservice catalogue). But even since Trix Yogurt made its triumphant return in the spring of 2021, I still haven’t bought any. I guess I just unconsciously consigned it to the museum of memory: a glimmering pastel relic of a treasured past whose shine I dare not spoil by revisiting it with an adult’s jaded taste buds. Much like Oreo Cakesters, which I also haven’t eaten since their re-continuation, I simply doubted I could go on living if my favorite childhood yogurt wasn’t as good as I remembered.

But with the launch of these new Franken Berry and Boo Berry Yogurts from Yoplait, I finally have an impossible-to-ignore reason to try these two-toned treats again. See, when Trix Yogurt returned last year, they came back in “Strawberry” and “Berry” flavors, making it pretty clear that “Screamin’ Strawberry” and “Boo Blueberry” are just the Trix Rabbit’s cultured progeny wearing Monster Cereal masks.

That may be a little lazy, but I’ll never blame General Mills for expanding the Monsters’ reach beyond the cereal aisle, whether that’s in the form of cookies, Fruit Roll-Ups, or otherwise. Long live the Count & Co.! Continue reading

Review: Kellogg’s Little Debbie Nutty Buddy Cereal

New Kellogg's Little Debbie Nutty Buddy Cereal Review - Box

You ever try to turn a great idea you’ve had into a real drawing, only for it to fall flat? Or maybe you’ve tried telling someone about a vivid dream, only for the magic to get lost in translation? Or heck, maybe you’ve simply seen any live-action adaptation of an animated series?

What I’m saying is, that’s basically how I feel about cerealized versions of existing desserts. Given the breakfast medium’s inherent constraints on acceptable delectability (though some really push the limits), we’re just never going to get a cereal that’s as dense, fudgy, ooey nor gooey as its namesake cake, pie, or cookie. And I think people understand that, but it’s nevertheless a little disappointing when something like Kellogg’s Cosmic Brownies Cereal comes out, and it tastes nothing like the raw euphoric indulgence we’ve come to expect from Deb the Dextrose Temptress.

On the other hand, sometimes you get the likes of Kellogg’s Oatmeal Creme Pies Cereal, and while it may still be a far cry from the real thing, the cereal at least takes its own creative spin on the source material and manages to be pleasant enough in its own right.

So with Kellogg’s third attempt at breakfastifying a classic convenience store snarf-em-up, it’s hard to know what to expect from Nutty Buddy Cereal. Guess I’ll have to just shut up, nut up, and fess up. Continue reading

Review: Pillsbury Monster Cereal Shape Cookies – Count Chocula & Franken Berry!

New Pillsbury Monster Cereal Shape Cookies Review - Box

I’ll just say it: Count Chocula and Franken Berry don’t understand Halloween. Fun-sized Snickers and whimsical apple-Roberting aside, the holiday is supposed to be scary: slashers, head bashers, teeth gnashers and all that heebie-jeebie jazz.

Yet this toothsome twosome is hawking us Pillsbury shaped sugar cookie dough that’s safe to eat raw? Where’s the danger? The thrill? Risking salmonella is half the fun—I mean, at least throw a couple loose jagged metal shavings into the mix, keep it interesting. Some eccentric bug larvae, or mutagenic research chemicals, maybe.

Oh well, I guess I’ll have to manufacture my own danger by eating these aw shucks sugar pucks fresh out of the oven, while they’re still monstrously molten. Continue reading

News: Reese’s Big Cups with Reese’s Puffs

New Reese's Big Cups with Reese's Puffs

When it comes to cereal brands, Reese’s Puffs is a weird one. Despite the interminable innovation of its forerunning parent candy—and despite the deep potential for flavor infusions like white chocolate, marshmallow, or honey—Reese’s Puffs rarely experiences any bombastic feats of gastro-engineering. Just new shapes and….debatably legitimate remote-controlled boats?

Well luckily, Big Reese seems to have noticed its lil breakfast brudder forever resting on its corn-puffed laurels and is offering the cereal a chance to let loose for once, with a joyous joyride inside its own belly.

Yes, thanks to Snackolator, we now know that Reese’s Big Cups with Reese’s Puffs will be hitting shelves on November 11th. And just as 11 + 11 = ’22, I think the math here is equally logical: one delightful candy plus one iconic cereal is sure to equal a crispy-creamy, momentously mouthwatering success.

News: Kellogg’s Insta-Bowls

new-kelloggs-instabowls

Finally, I can leave my hip flask of 2% at home and enjoy cereal & milk on the go, with just a little H2O!

For the better part of the 2010s, a struggling cereal industry seemed convinced that the source of their woes were highly mobile professionals who didn’t have time to sit down and enjoy a meticulously milked bowl of crunchy stuff—so they tried everything from cereal shakes to pouched snacking cereals in an attempt to keep cereal top of mind and stomach alike.

That kind of failed, to be honest, and now that working from home is much more common, on-the-go cereal innovation seems to have stalled, with most companies pivoting toward the idea of cereal as a nostalgic anytime indulgence. But that apparently hasn’t stopped Kellogg’s from attempting one more alchemical metamorphosis to make breakfast a malleably mobile meal.

Introducing Kellogg’s Insta-Bowls: debuting in Frosted Flakes, Apple Jacks, Froot Loops, and Raisin Bran Crunch varieties, these little cups contain both cereal and powdered milk, so all you have to do is add water, stir, and you’ll theoretically have a complete bowl of cereal with milk—without having to leave a half gallon of milk in your hot car with the window cracked and its favorite tunes playing.

Will these Insta-Bowls be good? It’s too soon to tell, but I’ll be interested to give them a shot. It’s just a shame these don’t come with little telescoping utensils, too, so while an Insta-Bowl is more convenient, I’ll still have to keep a secret spoon sheathed in my belt loop like Napoleon Dynamite’s thrifted sai.

Special thanks to reader Laura for tipping me off about these!

Review: CinnaFuego Toast Crunch

CinnaFuego Toast Crunch Review - Pouch

Well, here I stand. On the precipice of hitherto untouched territory, gripping the first-ever spicy cereal with quivering mitts, like I’m Neo about to take my own personal red pill (y’know, before that term was irretrievably tarnished).

But will this precipice be a mere waypoint preceding cereal innovation’s newest pinnacle? Or the edge of a steep cliff that drops off into the fiery pits of Hell?

Allow me to find out, as your sacrificial scout. Your dauntless Dante. Your cinna-guinea pig.

Here goes nothing: one giant leap for Dan-kind. Continue reading

News: CinnaFuego Toast Crunch

New CinnaFuego Toast Crunch

“And Big Cereal wept, seeing as they had no more worlds to conquer…”

Well, they’ve finally done it: the big bad breakfast barons have made a spicy cereal. Of course, sweet is a well-covered cereal territory, while salty, sour, and umami have likewise been covered. So with the release of this flamin’ hot CinnaFuego Toast Crunch, I suppose the final frontier would be a bitter Black Licorice Cereal….but let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.

But I digress—and hesitantly digest. Releasing August 12th, CinnaFuego Toast Crunch will be exclusive to both Walmart.com and 5.9oz pouches. It’s basically the same Cinnadust-slathered squares you know and love to inhale, but with the addition of an intimidatingly nebulous “spicy pepper” ingredient.

I look forward to doing a live taste-test on a Hot Ones edition of The Empty Bowl….