Oh, Kellogg’s. Are you a mercenary now? A contract cereal killer? Blink twice if you’re embroiled too deep in a dark web conspiracy.
Look, I’ve already whined about and refused to further dine on Kellogg’s generic sugar loop cereal epidemic, but these three upcoming Kellogg’s releases suggest there’s a bigger problem: (sugar) cookie cutter partnerships. I know, I know, lazy movie cereals have been a breakfast trend since the Forced death of original ideas like C-3POs, but now that Kellogg’s jumped the Baby Shark, it seems the floodgates have been opened for other shadily proprietary entities to easily buy (or be bought for, who knows) their own blasé breakfasts.
So while I had no idea ’til today that Ryan’s World is a hit toy review YouTube channel, I have to imagine his “Red Titan’s Vanilla” will simply be re-skinned Lúcio Oh’s—and will therefore taste just as bad. Kind of fitting for a morally vapid channel built to make money off unsuspecting pre-schoolers (Ryan’s World has apparently been knocked for failing to reveal that 90% of its videos are sponsored).
But hey, at least the folks behind the endlessly creepy Elf on the Shelf are bringing a marginally more interesting branded breakfast to pantry shelves everywhere. I really hope that Elf on the Shelf Cereal actually tastes like sugar cookies, rather than “sugar cookie” being another unethical euphemism for “just sugar.” I’m looking at you, “vanilla.” Perhaps most interesting about Elf on the Shelf Cereal are the pieces: they appear to be 1:1 counterfeit replicas of General Mills’ Mermaid Cereal—though I wouldn’t put it past those maniacal elves to poach said Mermaid in the name of Yuletide larceny.
Finally, I don’t know how legit the box’s “Official Cereal of the North Pole” claim is. Every polar bear I’ve talked to prefers Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch. But I guess we’ll find out when these cereals presumably drop within a month or two.
Oh, and don’t even get me started on Llama Loops. This is 100% Caticorn Cereal with a different animal on the front. I’d rather eat the ground casserole Tina had in Napoleon Dynamite.
As a bonus, for GLAAD Spirit Day, Kellogg’s is re-releasing All Together Cereal—this time with a more than decorative box.
For $19.99, you can get your own box from Kellogg’s online store, with proceeds going to support LGTBQ youth. While this is certainly a step up from no cereal inside, I would still hesitate to call this a fully evolved All Together Cereal, as it merely includes six mini-boxes of Corn Flakes, Froot Loops, Frosted Flakes, Frosted Mini-Wheats, Rice Krispies and Raisin Bran. Personally, I won’t rest until a future All Together cereal has an open-borders policy, and Kellogg’s just points all its cereal production machines at one vat—setting them to overdrive while a designated GLAAD ambassador stirs the massive melting pot.
Also, I question the cereal selection here. I get that these are Kellogg’s most iconic cereals, but if they had swapped Corn Flakes and Rice Krispies for Corn Pops and Apple Jacks, they’d practically have the whole rainbow!
I’m so disappointment with the Ryan’s world cereal I got it for my son Because he loves Ryan’s toys and what ever have to do with Ryan First of all I don’t understand why is it that my son goes to the bathroom and his stool is red there is to much Color dye in the cereal and that’s not good for kids I will not buy that cereal again and Second it taste nasty by the third time that he ate it that’s when I knew it was the cereal so I threw it out
I’m so disappointment with the Ryan’s world cereal I got it for my son Because he loves Ryan’s toys and what ever have to do with Ryan First of all I don’t understand why is it that my son goes to the bathroom and his stool is red there is to much Color dye in the cereal and that’s not good for kids I will not buy that cereal again and Second it taste nasty by the third time that he ate it that’s when I knew it was the cereal so I threw it out
Judging by the way that Ryan’s World merchandise is overwhelming the shelves of the children’s toy aisle, its slow, creeping march towards domination of other department store fronts hits me with more of 50s creature-feature fascination than 80s-scented horror.
That ALL TOGETHER is already available in the form of the sample size boxes wrapped together,, and I wouldn’t have known proceeds were donated if you didn’t tell me, in fact i wouldn’t have known it wasn’t all the cereals mixed together if I wasn’t looking at the fine print, so really misleading box art–and did Cornelius get a facelift? Maybe proceeds go to paying his botox bills.