I’m not gonna lie to you: I don’t hit a lot of trails.
The Oregon Trail for PC? Sure. Trailer Park Boys reruns? Definitely? But any sort of wooded or, dare I say, forested path that requires physical exertion and appreciation for non-pixelated nature? Count me out.
That’s how dysentery starts.
But I’m still more familiar with fictional trails than being fit, which is why I won’t penalize Grape-Nuts Trail Mix Crunch for its box’s blatant lie. See, this stuff isn’t new: it’s just a rebrand of 5-year old cereal Grape-Nuts Fit—a fact Grape-Nuts itself confirmed on my Instagram.
Luckily, I never reviewed Grape-Nuts Fit before, so it won’t be redundant if I do so now. Plus this potent little brick of a cereal box weighs in at over 1 pound, which, given its size, makes it count as powerlifting every time I pour from it.
So let’s get fit(tin’ this stuff into my mouth)!
There’s a lot to digest, both literally and figuratively, in Grape-Nuts Trail Mix Crunch. Aside from the infamously crunchy, infamously non-grape-flavored Grape Nuts themselves, there’s granola, puffed barley, cranberries, and plenty of vanilla.
But despite that hodge-podge (which criminally leaves out trail mix all-start M&M’s), the copious granola clusters dominate this cereal’s flavor palate. Luckily, it’s good granola. Smacking mouthwateringly of cooking oil and rich vanilla, this well toasted, brown sugary granola reminds me of sugar cookie dough: something I’d never expect to eat on a nature trail, unless I was the stereotypical pudgy guy in a horror movie who we all know will be killed by the stalker in the woods before the second act.
So while the granola makes for a fine star in this crunchy menagerie, the other elements are pretty forgettable. The dried cranberries—a dubious decision over the traditionally sweeter raisin—release a tart juiciness only when directly consumed. Otherwise, they just lend a weird, waxy and fruity edge to the granola, like that time everyone’s weird Aunt tried to convince Grandma her fruit cake deserved to share dessert table real estate with the sugar cookies.
As if, Doris!
The puffed barley is purely for filler to make sure this cereal safely survives shipping to stores, and the Grape-Nuts provide subtle, yet welcome, almond undertones that makes Trail Mix Crunch’s sweet overtones feel at least a little more wholesome.
R.I.P. Jeremiah Longhorn, you always led the best hoedowns.
So overall, don’t let the look or name of Grape-Nuts Trail Mix Crunch dissuade you: while I’m sure it makes a great, energizing hiking munchie, it’s also a surprisingly cozy and nostalgic way to start (or end) any day.
Unless you’re Aunt Doris.
The Bowl: Grape-Nuts Trail Mix Crunch Cereal
The Breakdown: This tough cookie to resist is only held up by its other ingredients, which range from subtle to intrusive.
The Bottom Line: 8 spurned spokescandies out of 10