Superman stands confidently, his hands on his hips and his feet floating some six inches off the ground. “I’m the Son of Krypton, the Man of Steel! I’m impervious to bullets and faster than a speeding one. You’re only a man. How can you ever hope to stop me?”
Batman’s eyes glow as he pulls a glimmering, foil-wrapped rectangle from his utility belt. “With Rice Krispies Treats.”
Superman scorches the Krispies into dust with a blink of his heat vision.
Batman looks defeated. “Damn, I packed that for my snack! You better not melt my Capri-Sun and Ziploc baggie of Oreos, too.”
It should come as a surprise to no one that instead of going out to watch the new Batman vs. Superman movie, I’m indoors writing terrible fan fiction about this box of BvS branded Rice Krispies Treats. Each treat comes adorably wrapped and ready for parents to pack for school lunches (uh, sorry about that one, Bruce Wayne). The Treats are adorned with rainbow “candy coated chocolate pieces,” but for Batman’s sake, we’d better hope the green pieces are made of Kryptonite.
Each Treat is pretty small—certainly no wider than a Batarang—but they are reasonably tall and fluffy: I could see them serving as hotels for homemade games of Jumbo Edible Monopoly. Meanwhile, the sprinkle density is halfway between “dollar store confetti bag” and “unicorn sneeze.”
These gooey, marshmallow-oozing suckers are definitely sticky, so I recommend putting on oven mitts or gauntlets before handling them. The base has all the goodness of any store-bought Rice Krispies Treat: the marshmallow is more powerfully artificial and sweet than a homemade Treat, while the grainy and toasted rice taste off the Krispies gets lost within the ‘mallow madness. Oh, and the butter is way more golden and buttery, too.
Boy, did I sure feel smart writing that last sentence. Wordsworth, eat your heart out.
As for the candy pieces, they aren’t as flavorful as I had hoped. When eaten as a whole, the pieces provide faint notes of syrupy, candied milk chocolate that seep into the Krispies from the Treats’ top. It’s just like trickle-down economics, except with more candy morsels and less of an understanding of what “trickle-down economics” means.
I had a better experience when I just gobbled all the sprinkles from the top in one bite. Each morsel had a hearty, crunchy “pop” and an addicting chocolatiness that’s made hyper-sweet by its thick candied sugar coating.
But eating them all at once left me like a sad grade-schooler who greedily plucked all the colored bits off his Cosmo Brownie. And these Rice Krispies really are a lot like Cosmo Brownies: there’s a densely flavorful base that’s made more attractive and mildly more chocolatey by technicolor doodads on top.
All in all, I probably wouldn’t buy these Treats again, though. They’re so small that I could probably plow through a box in the movie theater before Batman and Superman even start their first battle. But if there were a giant, Super-sized version, or perhaps a version with more innovative chocolate strawberry sprinkles, I might reconsider.
For now, though, I need to write my second fan fiction: Superman vs. The Cosmo Brownies: Little Debbie’s Revenge.
The “Bowl:” Batman vs Superman Rice Krispies Treats
The Breakdown: If they hadn’t been hit by a shrink ray, and if they had a more fun movie tie-in, these ‘mallow dripping, buttery bites might be more memorable. Here’s hoping for a sequel.
The Bottom Line: 5.5 Reaganomics Krispies Treats out of 10.
(Quick Nutrition Facts: 90 calories, 0 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, and less than 1 gram of protein per bar)