The world would be a much happier place if there were skeleton-shaped things in every food.
Spaghetti with skeleton meatballs. Pistachios with skull-shaped nuts inside every shell. Or here’s a really crazy one: chicken wings with actual bones in the middle!
Wait: one of those things is not quite like the others. But it doesn’t matter, because the point is that Kellogg’s newest Halloween cereal is Chocolate Frosted Flakes with Skeleton Marshmallows. It’s the logical next step up from this summer’s Frosted Flakes with Marshmallows, because when you’ve already paired a sugar-coated cereal with concentrated bits of sugar, the only way to make it sweeter for the sweetest season of the year is to add another glaze of corn syrupy malted cocoa.
At this rate, Kellogg’s will be selling Frosted Flakes with complimentary maple syrup bottles and sugar beet seeds in every box by the time Christmas comes around.
Let’s state the obvious, first: this box art is fantastic. Tony the Tiger looks like he’s been spooked to his cartoon core. Judging by his jack-o-lantern cat eyes, he may even have been possessed by some sort of granulated sugar gremlin.
Oh, sorry, I meant to say “GRRRRemlin!”
Cereal fans with glowing eagle eyes of their own will notice that the moon and night sky behind Tony is the same one featured behind the undead Chocovore on last year’s Halloween Krave cereal. This means that in Kellogg’s cereal universe, it’s canon that Tony the Tiger is out there somewhere fighting back against a league of chocolate-thirsty zombie biscuits. And unfortunately for Tony, he’s got a lot of chocolate cereal to defend.
Speaking of which, Chocolate Frosted Flakes already exist, and even though they pop up at Walmart from time to time, they’re typically found more often in Hispanic markets under the name “Choco Zucaritas.” If you’re ever looking for a cereal name that’s badass enough to get tattooed across your collarbones, there’s no better choice than Choco Zucaritas.
Chocolate Frosted Flakes certainly look a little strange; they appear more burnt than chocolatey. And after scarfing a bunch of ’em down like, well, a ravenous Chocovore monster, I can attest that they do have oddly smoky undertones—kind of like over-baked cocoa powder. Overall, though, the chocolate flavor isn’t all that strong. After all, if you read the box, these aren’t actually “Chocolate Frosted Flakes.” They’re “Frosted Flakes Chocolate.”
The dominant flavor here is still the half-corn syrup, half-actual corn flavor you know from regular Frosted Flakes. But instead of finishing with subtle notes of vanilla like their original brothers, these Frosted Flakes Chocolate are like cocoa valley girls: they end every sentence/bite with an ‘upspeaking‘ twist of pleasantly processed dark chocolate.
So if you’re a chocolate lover or someone who hates confusing metaphors, then you’re probably pretty disappointed right now. But let’s not forget the skeleton marshmallows!
Let’s get the bad news out of the way, first. These bony marshmallows don’t taste that great. Instead of popping in your mouth like crispy Lucky Charms marshmallows, Frosted Flakes Skeleton Marshmallows just kinda deflate into chewy sugar hulls.
They don’t pop with enough flavor to square up with the chocolate flakes around them, either. Whereas original Frosted Flakes had a creamy flavor that synchronized with their marshmallows, Chocolate Frosted Flakes and marshmallows form a choco-sugar yin-yang. There are pleasant bursts of marshmallow fluff, but they’re like fireflies glowing in a starless night.
But the good news is that they’re shaped like skeletons! Even if they tasted like actual bone marrow, these marshmallows would still infuse an infectious fun factor in any cereal. Last time I reviewed Halloween Apple Jacks and Froot Loops, I built a bony Brontosaurus. This time, I made “Kelleonidas,” a heroic and fearsome cereal centurion with plated Frosted Flake armor.
Please don’t make fun of his tiny hands, though. He’s self-conscious. 😞
Halloween Frosted Flakes makes more sense than putting marshmallows in Apple Jacks and Froot Loops, and it definitely tastes better than the boringly homogenous original Frosted Flakes with Marshmallows. Plus, it turns milk browner than Count Chocula’s morning chocolate. But overall, we’re still only 2/3 of the way to a s’more here: both literally and metaphorically. This cereal needs a little something more to make it a repeat purchase, because right now, Frosted Flakes Chocolate with Skeleton Marshmallows tastes like Halloween with the “een.”
So until Kellogg’s tosses in some graham cracker clusters next year, I’ll have to toss in my own Golden Grahams, Teddy Grahams, or crushed-up S’Mores Pop-Tarts. Heck, maybe I could even mix in some Krave S’Mores and recreate the fight for survival that’s currently going on in Kellogg’s imaginary box art horror film.
“They’re coming to get you, Tony!”
The Bowl: Kellogg’s Limited Edition Chocolate Frosted Flakes with Skeleton Marshmallows
The Breakdown: There are interesting twists of woodsy dark chocolate and Halloween spirit-spiking skeleton shapes, but the marbits’ ghostly flavor leaves me wishing that this breakfast movie has a more exciting twist at the end.
The Bottom Line: 6.5 marshmallow warriors with hands too small to hold their swords out of 10
(Quick Nutrition Facts: 120 calories, 0 grams of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, and 1 gram of protein per 3/4 cup serving)
***Our friends at Junk Banter reviewed Chocolate Frosted Flakes with Marshmallows, too! Put on your best spook face and check out their thoughts here.***