You know I love you, Mario, but man: you need to work on your personality.
Sure, you can save the princess, grow a killer ‘stache, and kick Goomba buns in every sport (Olympic or otherwise), but plumbing anecdotes and an occasional “Wa-hoo!” isn’t going to make you a hit at parties.
Unless you whip out the big green wind-up boot and cue up Destruction Dance, of course. Just imagine the dance moves!
But really, on my list of favorite little red dudes, you’re pretty far down the list: Pikmin, Cool Spot, that smug M&M, heck, even the Noid would be invited to my wedding before an inarticulate Italian hero whose stats are average in every baseball game.
And that “Thwomp-of-all-trades, Bowser-of-none” problem persists with Kellogg’s and Nintendo’s new Super Mario Cereal, a much-hyped team-up of cereal and video game titans that nearly exploded my website, reputation, and inner child when I leaked news about it last year. Everyone’s excited about the box, which doubles as an Amiibo for Super Mario Odyssey, but since I’m still replaying Super Mario Sunshine on my GameCube and trying to figure out how Game Boy e-Readers work, I don’t have the modern tech to explore that Amiibo functionality.
I do, however, have a spoon, which means we’re all about to see why this fruity marshmallow cereal lives up to the flat (and I’m not talkin’ Paper) legacy of its namesake portly protagonist.
After tasting Super Mario Cereal, I immediately start to wonder if even a spaghetti-flavored cereal would have been better. Despite the mouth-entertaining ridges of the crunchy star pieces—which look more like a certain Bikini Bottom rock-dweller than something that ruins friendships in Mario Party—their flavors, both the base and coating, are as rehashed as the new Super Mario Bros. series.
The crispy oat and corn core of each star is like Lucky Charms-lite. It lacks the solid toasted oat denseness of Lucky’s fare, replacing it with an intrusive golden corniness. The oat and corn flour balance can be done well, but here it leaves the stars airily craterous and more a-maize-ing than amazing.
As for the “Mixed Berry” glaze on each star, it feels like an over-syrupy take on Trix, or perhaps Neopets Island Berry Crunch. Which a hard-to-decipher blend of super-artificial strawberry, raspberry, and a dash of lemony citrus, it’s the kind of budget taste you’d feed to a herd of Yoshi on an industrial ranch.
The marshmallows are better, mostly because it’s hard to screw up tiny sugar blocks. The Cappy, 1-Up mushroom, and ? block marshmallows may only bear a tenuous connection to their on-box renderings (the ? in particular looks more like a cursed hieroglyphic in person), but their large surface areas mean more chewy, sweet, and vaguely vanilla’d sugar goodness.
Combined with the stars, the bland roastedness of the pieces gets drowned out by marshmallowy creaminess, but it’s far from a berries ‘n’ cream parfait. At best, it’s a mindlessly candied munchie that nevertheless leaves behind an unpleasant throat slime from all the flavoring syrup.
Personally, I believe this cereal is from the darkest Mario timeline: the one where Hotel Mario is the defining canon.
Milk improves things just a little, mostly because it strips away the chemical fruitiness and makes the cereal a quasi-bearable Lucky Charms bootleg.
But it’s just not enough to save Super Mario Cereal from super mediocrity. It’s the kind of cereal that excites with its concept and satiates (if not sedates) sugar-hungry children during their Switch binge sessions, and I’m sure it’ll be at the heart of some kid’s nostalgic developmental memories. So until Kellogg’s tries again with garlic-flavored Super Wario Cereal, the rest of us are better off with Super Mario Spaghetti-Os.
At least Chef Boyardee is a true Italian.
The Bowl: Super Mario Cereal
The Breakdown: Forgettably and medicinally fruity, Super Mario Cereal is redeemed only by the jumbo geometry of its abstract sugar nuggets. Mama mia, indeed.
The Bottom Line: 3.5 prayers for Kirby Cereal out of 10
***MASSIVE thanks go out to John Riggs of RIGG’d Games for sending me this box. Go check his channel out!***
Why you hating on Mario?
I didn’t really expect it to be anything more than fruit flavored Lucky Charms. I’ll give it a try. Perhaps if they did a peanut butter chocolate combo or a snickerdoodle or even a caramel flavor it would be more groundbreaking. Most character cereals aren’t too adventurous. As long as I don’t see licorice flavor I’m good.
Yeah, I am also somewhat saddened, but I went into the purchase for the novelty and not the cereal. That could be why I was not as disappointed. As for disliking Mario, I’m sure Dan just realized Wario is the real star of the “Mario” universe.
Hey Joe!
I guess this was the best way to handle a new, some kind of generic, mario branded kellogg’s cereal with marshmallows… 😀
Still i really hoped Nintendo would’ve cared a bit more 😉
I second the Wario thing, though i’m not sure i want Wario over Mario at my wedding… although it means more weird stories to tell 😉
Cheers!
btw: I didn’t know you have a blog; besides your ice cream reviews on theimpulsivebuy. But hell it just makes sense to have a blog while beeing already in the “review game” 😀
I honestly expected this cereal to be absolutely horrid like the Star Wars cereal that came out during episode VII imagine my surprise that the flavor reminded me of something similar from years ago that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. I took a couple of more bites and after closing my eyes and going through the old mental Rolodex it finally hit me “Holy Crap”! This tastes similar to Kabooms! If you didn’t care for Kabooms you will not like this. I was a fan so of course I am loving it. It is what it is.
Woooow! Kaboom! I had the same reaction when I tried this for the first time and just couldn’t put my finger (er nose I guess) on that smell, but your right, it’s freakin’ Kaboom! Mystery solved. Thanks dude!!
Though I already read/watched so many reviews about the Mario cereal, it still bothers me, that it seems Nintendo have not really cared how their brand (in particular: Mario!) is represented within the cereal aisle. And no, not designwise, cause that is quite solid, but more importantly flavorwise.
I mean… though your review is one of the more “withering” assessment the cereal was never really judged better than mediocre and “you can eat it, if you actually have to”…
There were/are so many Nintendo and Mario Fans out there (otherwise the Mario games wouldn’t be so much hyped too), which got somehow disappointed…
And yeah… i know… a bad cereal doesn’t mean a bad game and hopefully that’s what Nintendo cares mainly about, but at least i thought they could’ve helped Kellogg’s finally create a really good branded cereal 😀
(not essential Matcha or Mochi flavor, but still… something better :D)
CHEERS!
btw: does it just seem like you kinda “hate” mario or is it me? (Let me guess you’re more fond of Sonic? And no Kirby doesn’t count :p)
Dang. I hate to see it score so low, because I was looking forward to trying it. Maybe I’ll skip it now.
I laughed, mildly, when I spotted these on eBay for ludicrous amounts just because of the Amiibo function.
My son: “Dad, there’s a new Mario cereal, can we try it?”
Me: “*researches*, shows him the listings on eBay”
My son: “Ehhh, no thanks, we have plenty of other cereal”
Ooh, was that “darkest timeline” joke a Community reference? Because that would make me very happy