Tag Archives: 10 rating

Review: Malt-O-Meal Double Chocolate Brownie Crunch Cereal

Malt-O-Meal Double Chocolate Brownie Crunch Cereal Review Bag

This review goes out to you, 54-year old Larry P. from Tampa Bay, Florida.

You don’t actually exist, Larry, but you are an archetype of consumer both I and countless underpaid cereal customer service reps have had to deal with for the past two decades.

You’re the guy who complains on every Monster Cereal post about how Count Chocula, Franken Berry, and Boo Berry just aren’t as good as they were during your childhood growing up in some rural place that resembles the house from Courage the Cowardly Dog. You’re the guy who lambasts the cereals’ change from oat flour to corn flour as borderline cataclysmic, a harbinger of dark times that probably brought us reality TV and bluetooth headsets, too. And you use General Mills’ blog comments section as your impromptu soapbox.

So even though you are a persistently vocal one, Larry: you’re right. Oat flour does rock, and Malt-O-Meal’s newest cereal, Double Brownie Crunch, proves it with a masterful blend of fudged flours. Continue reading

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Review: Chocolate Peanut Butter Cheerios Cereal from General Mills

General Mills Limited Edition Chocolate Peanut Butter Cheerios Cereal Review Box

I’ve long had a theory that every cereal a person could ever need can be formed through a triangulation of three “primary flavors.” The three corners of this Cerealluminati Pyramid (working title) are formed by chocolate, peanut butter, and strawberry. Think about it, sheeple people: while those three flavors are near-universally delightful by themselves, by pairing them you can make a choco-pb cereal, a PB&J cereal, or a chocolate fondued strawberry cereal.

And if you happen to find some hipster niche of cereal lovers that isn’t pleased by any of those, you can just combine all three and tear a rift in space-time through sheer flavor alchemy.

New Chocolate Peanut Butter Cheerios are proof that my philosophy of breakfast geometry isn’t so obtuse after all—in fact, it’s pretty acute. See, even though General Mills has a near-monopoly on chocolate peanut butter breakfast cereals with Reese’s Puffs, they still decided to release another cocoa-nutty product. That’s because, as a key bastion of my Cerealluminati Pyramid, the mouth-watering power of chocolate and peanut butter together really is that persuasively strong.

Unless, of course, my deeper conspiracy is true, in which case the prophecy of threes has yet to be fulfilled:

But allow me to trade in my tinfoil hat for an equally shiny spoonand dig in—if I’m gonna be a nutcase, I’d rather be a peanutcase. Continue reading

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“Review:” Cap’n Crunch’s Christmas Crunch Cereal (2016)

Cap'n Crunch's Christmas crunch Cereal Box 2016 Review

It was like the plot of the world’s most surreal holiday special.

Last month, I shared candid photos of 2016’s gorgeously redesigned Christmas Crunch box, with the promise that I’d wait until late December to review it—to build anticipation, Christmas cheer, appetite, etc. My decision not to buy a sleigh’s worth of Christmas Crunch when it was right there in the store’s discount basket proved to be the most foolish thing I’ve done since trading away all my Oreo Cakesters for Bosco breadsticks way back in elementary school lunch time.

Because on December 22nd, driving around in the cloak of darkness while “We Need A Little Christmas” played with bitter accuracy on the radio, I couldn’t find a single box of Cap’n Crunch’s Christmas Crunch in stores!

Several discontented web searches later, I made a desperate phone call to an obscure local grocer who confirmed that they did indeed have a few boxes left. The magical angel who worked customer service even promised to set a box aside for me—I’d wager that he doesn’t hear many late night pleas for red and green breakfast products, so any chance to satisfy a sweaty-sounding dude’s simple, yet stupid Christmas wish was a no-brainer.

And that’s the story of how I ended up with a box of the exact same Christmas cereal I eat every year. Speaking of which, let’s take our spoons out for Ho-Ho-Horatio Magellan Crunch’s holiday classic, shall we? Continue reading

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Classic Review: Waffle Crisp Cereal

Post Waffle Crisp Cereal Box

Despite the recent dawn of October, this review isn’t Halloween-themed. It is nostalgia-themed, though, and Halloween is a season of eternal nostalgia draped in a thin veil of sheet ghosts and dollar store cobwebs. There’s no better way to ring in the Month of Spook than by reviewing a cereal that’s as golden as the childhood memories it conjures up.

It’s Post’s much-beloved Waffle Crisp. I’ve been meaning to review Waffle Crisp for some time, and since I reviewed my other favorite childhood cereal last week, I wanted to keep the nostalgia ball* rolling with another classic I remember munching with reckless abandon before elementary school. My 8-year old self was convinced that if I poured my mountain of crunchy waffles high enough, I could hide in it and skip class.

*Oh, and if you’re wondering what a nostalgia ball looks like, it definitely looks like one of those foam Nerf Vortex footballs. Continue reading

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Review: Oreo O’s Cereal (South Korea)

South Korean Oreo O's Cereal Box 2016

In the distant future, when all food is eaten in pill form and my great-grandkids ask me to describe the magic of breakfast cereal, I’ll oil my cyborg jaw motor and tell them about Oreo O’s.

I’ll tell them about the 10 glorious years America spent eating those cookies ‘n’ creme flavored rings. I’ll tell them about Oreo O’s 1997 introduction, orange-sprinkled Halloween Oreo O’s from 2000, and 2002’s marshmallowy Extreme Creme Taste Oreo O’s. I’ll captivate them with tales of sunglasses-wearing milk glob mascots who closely resembled PSY from Gangnam Style.

Then there’ll be a brief intermission as I explain what the heck Gangnam Style was. Seriously: I don’t know how it got over 2 billion views either, children of the future.

Then I’ll tell them about the tragic 2007 discontinuation of Oreo O’s. I’ll pause to build suspense, and then I’ll tell them about the legal loophole that allowed South Korean food manufacturer Dongsuh Companies Inc. to keep producing Oreo O’s as the rest of the world mourned the loss of milk’s favorite cereal. With my own eyes glistening, I’ll tell them about the E. coli contamination that forced Dongsuh to recall Oreo O’s in 2014, as well as the two-year Oreo O’s drought that followed—known globally as “The Second Dark Ages.”

But then I’ll finish with the story of Fall 2016, when an unexpected tweet from a Korean food account alerted me that the dawn of a new age was upon us. Continue reading

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Review: Limited Edition Cap’n Crunch’s Orange Creampop Crunch Cereal

Cap'n Crunch's Orange Creampop Crunch Box

As I opened my box of Cap’n Crunch’s Orange Creampop Crunch, a frosty symphony played in my head.

Ice cream truck music, the steady drip of melting banana splits, and a chorus of kids groaning at terrible popsicle stick jokes: yes, this was the sound, the smell, and the edible heartbeat of summer itself.

I encourage you all to play this on loop as your read on.

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Review: Lucky Charms Marshmallows Only Cereal

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Whether it’s an engagement ring, the One Ring to rule them all, or that darn videotape from The Ring, every so often an object enters your life and changes it forever.

For me, this object wasn’t a ring, but receiving it did make my mouth form into a perfectly round, gasping ring. That’s right: it’s a box of Marshmallows Only Lucky Charms. One of only 10 in existence.

Alright, alright. I should back up a bit. Let’s Tarantino this story before I tear into this mythic box. Continue reading

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Review: Nature Valley Baked Oat Bites Cereal

IMG_4268Why buy G.I. Joe when you can buy G.I. Joe With KUNG-FU Grip? Why watch Blade Runner when you can watch Blade Runner: The Final Cut with the original, full-length unicorn daydream sequence?

And why in the name of all that is good and crunchy would you ever eat regular Oreos when Double Stuf Oreos exist?

Such questions haunted me as I gazed upon Baked Oat Bites, one of three new cereals from Nature Valley. It looks just like Kellogg’s Cracklin’ Oat Branbut with an additional sugary drizzle.

But I gave Cracklin’ Oat Bran a 10/10, so there lies my conundrum. Is it possible for a new cereal to improve upon perfection, or should the mathematical impossibility of “giving 110%” be left for cheesy sports movies?

It’s time for me to find out. Even if I have to punch a few more holes in my belt to do so. With 210 calories per 3/4 cup, that shouldn’t be hard to do.

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