As I opened my box of Cap’n Crunch’s Orange Creampop Crunch, a frosty symphony played in my head.
Ice cream truck music, the steady drip of melting banana splits, and a chorus of kids groaning at terrible popsicle stick jokes: yes, this was the sound, the smell, and the edible heartbeat of summer itself.
I encourage you all to play this on loop as your read on.
Whether it’s an engagement ring, the One Ring to rule them all, or that darn videotape from The Ring, every so often an object enters your life and changes it forever.
For me, this object wasn’t a ring, but receiving it did make my mouth form into a perfectly round, gasping ring. That’s right: it’s a box of Marshmallows Only Lucky Charms. One of only 10 in existence.
Alright, alright. I should back up a bit. Let’s Tarantino this story before I tear into this mythic box. Continue reading
Why buy G.I. Joe when you can buy G.I. Joe With KUNG-FU Grip? Why watch Blade Runner when you can watch Blade Runner: The Final Cut with the original, full-length unicorn daydream sequence?
And why in the name of all that is good and crunchy would you ever eat regular Oreos when Double Stuf Oreos exist?
Such questions haunted me as I gazed upon Baked Oat Bites, one of three new cereals from Nature Valley. It looks just like Kellogg’s Cracklin’ Oat Bran…but with an additional sugary drizzle.
But I gave Cracklin’ Oat Bran a 10/10, so there lies my conundrum. Is it possible for a new cereal to improve upon perfection, or should the mathematical impossibility of “giving 110%” be left for cheesy sports movies?
It’s time for me to find out. Even if I have to punch a few more holes in my belt to do so. With 210 calories per 3/4 cup, that shouldn’t be hard to do.
♫ Reunited, and it feeeels so gooood! ♫
These 6 words looped in my head approximately 1 gorillion (an enormous, gorilla-sized number, for the unaware) times as I finally managed to lay my quivering hands on a box of Chocolate Honey Bunches in the year 2016.
Those who have been following the blog should be familiar with my love for Honey Bunches of Oats with Chocolate Clusters, a cereal that was discontinued some 6 years ago in a decision by Post Foods that I’m still convinced was somehow a violation of the Geneva Conventions.
I won’t bore you with the details, but Chocolate Honey Bunches were a pivotal part of my personal cereal mythology back in their heyday. Let’s just say that without Honey Bunches of Oats with Chocolate Clusters, this site probably wouldn’t exist today.
But now, I no longer need to cry forlorn tears over faded Polaroids of the cereal, because it’s back. Does it live up to my own super high standards? I’m willing to undergo a sugar high to find out. Continue reading
Raisin bran isn’t just a cereal. It’s a lifestyle. A lifestyle I have to defend.
From friends, to family, to Jerry Seinfeld, many people make fun of raisin bran as a boring, healthy cereal. The kind of cereal where fun goes to die. The kind of cereal only fit for cracking lazy jokes about “regularity.”
But I defend raisin bran. Because while these spiteful rai-sinners poke fun at raisin bran cereals’ supposed blandness, there’s actually a wealth of diversity and innovation within the many different kinds of raisin bran available to ravenous bran-imals like me.
And today it’s time to talk about one of the best: Trader Joe’s Organic Raisin Bran Clusters.
Have you ever thought, “Gee, I love Count Chocula, but eating a bowl of it with milk in the middle of rush hour traffic sure is a hassle! I wish it were considerably more…rectangular!”
Well then it’s time to trick-or-treat yourself, because Count Chocula Treats have returned to save your morning commute from milk spills caused by unexpected brake-slamming.
Earlier this month, I mistakenly predicted that Count Chocula Treats would be a Canadian exclusive this season. While my neighbors to the north may still be the only ones getting Treats with orange chocolate, the cereal bars have finally made their way to American shelves.
What took you so long, Count? I guess when you’re an ageless, blood-sucking entity, you tend to lose track of time. Continue reading
It doesn’t take much to put me in the Halloween spirit.
A bag full of flimsy plastic spider rings? Yep. A sheet of glittery pumpkin stickers? Yep. Heck, even a hastily-drawn doodle of a sheet ghost in the margins of a notebook can turn me into the human personification of these emojis:
🎃👻💀
That’s why Kellogg’s new Halloween edition Krave cereal may be an incredibly simple concept on the surface, but it still has me crying happy, pumpkin spice-scented tears of anticipation for the month to come. Is that an exaggeration? I’ll let your imagination decide. Continue reading
How did I get here?
All I did was innocently pour myself a bowl of Cracklin’ Oat Bran. Sure, my friends told me that it was a “slippery slope,” and that “once you crackle, there’s no going backle.” But I didn’t listen. No cereal could be that good, let alone that addicting.
Yet here I am: curled up in the fetal position on a milk-stained mattress in the basement of some “Cracklin’ house.” As I pull myself to my feet, the air is dusty with cinnamon and graham. I stagger to the door, past the scores of bran junkies, savagely filling their spoons and stuffing their faces with little brown rectangles in a futile attempt to recapture the thrill of that first bowl. I leave, and blinded by the daylight (how long have I been here?), I wonder how I hit this new low.
Cracklin’ Oat Bran: not even once. Continue reading
