Tag Archives: 5 rating

Review: FYE Blue-Eyes White Dragon Berry Blast Cereal

The year is 2004, or something.

I spent the morning carefully curating and collating the best possible Yu-Gi-Oh! deck from a jumbo tupperware’s worth of monster-fronted cardboard rectangles.

I go to my local Meijer grocery store, which, for some reason, was hosting a Yu-Gi-Oh! tournament (an in-store event that, for some even worse reason, never happens these days).

Using my incredibly overpowered Wave-Motion Cannon, I obliterate another plucky young fellow, who proceeded to yell at me for “not telling him what the card did.” To which I replied, “Well you never asked…”

Needless to say, I lost the next match and got grifted by some older dude who coerced me into trading a good card for a ruddy one.

(I promise you, I am only haunted by this story bidaily, at most.)

So yes, while I was very into the Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters trading card game ~15 years ago, I never expected to sit eye-to-blue-eyes with a Yu-Gi-Oh! cereal in the year 2019. FYE’s Blue-Eyes White Dragon Cereal isn’t the first YGO! cereal, either: the first, 2003 version boasted more thematically interesting Millennium Puzzle pieces, and back-of-the-box art that’s way more interesting than Blue-Eyes’ so-last-millennium word puzzle:

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 5 rating, fye, trix. 2 Comments

May. ’19

Review: Kellogg’s HI! Happy Inside – Simply Strawberry

Oh, you thought cereal was for you and your taste buds? Nope, sorry buster: this cereal is specifically for your stomach. Your gut. Your food wallet. Whatever you call it, it better be ready for a healthy migration of gut flora, because Kellogg’s new HI! Happy Inside cereal line is here to culture abdomens everywhere.

We’ve been aware of HI! Happy Inside for a while now, but it was largely only available in location- or cost-prohibitive value packs. My local chains have finally begun to stock the stuff in smaller pouches, so I’m taking a cautious first spelunk into this protozoan belly of the beast with Simply Strawberry—ostensibly the fruity front-liner of this howdy-happy cereal trilogy that also includes Bold Blueberry and Cocoa Crunch.

I was hesitant to try this stuff to begin with, since, generally any healthy cereal that brands itself from head to intestine as an anatomical expedient ends up abandoning my appetite somewhere near the gall bladder. But as I wait for other new cereals that are less stomach-friendly and more gut-punchy, I figure it couldn’t hurt to brace my body for impact. Each HI! Happy Inside cereal boasts a three-in-one benefit of prebiotics, probiotics, and fiber, so even if I hate this stuff, maybe this review can still be cited for some kid’s science fair project. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 5 rating, kellogg's, strawberry. 6 Comments

Apr. ’19

Review: Magic Spoon Cereal

What happens when cereal grows up?

The Trix Rabbit starts moonlighting, doing Easter photoshoots at Michaels.
Sonny directs an autobiopic, starring Jack Nicholson, about his frequent, Cocoa Puff-inspired escapes from various insane asylums.
And Cap’n Crunch, of course, continues his storied 3000-year legacy as an immortal cereal centurion, subsisting solely on the blood of rejected unicorns harvested from the dumpster behind a Kellogg’s factory.

Yes, aging doesn’t pair with cereal quite as well as milk—my stomach is no longer lined with Nintendium, and The Weather Channel’s Saturday morning lineup isn’t quite as compelling. But Magic Spoon Cereal is out to change that: with flashy packaging and four flavors inspired by classic sweet stuff, this new cereal startup prides itself on having more protein and fewer carbs than mainstream cereals, with keto friendliness and no grains or gluten.

Now all who have seen what I’m capable of on this blog know that my only dietary restriction is my imagination (and, uh, lactose), so it wasn’t the healthy promises that drew me to these cereals. It was the eye-popping box colors that pretty accurately reflect my day-to-day wardrobe’s palette, plus the fact that people are apparently getting served ads for this stuff after visiting my site.

I’m honored to be a worthy track-factor for global cereal lovers, and I’m thankful to the folks behind Magic Spoon Cereal for sending me a full variety pack for review. So stuff your face with buckwheat and calzones while you can, because where we’re going, we won’t need grains.

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Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 5 rating, 7 rating, 8 rating. 23 Comments

Mar. ’19

Review: Annie’s Organic Friends Bunnies Cereal

Let’s talk turkey. Or bunnies, to be seasonally appropriate.

When you’re reviewing breakfast fare, a scale is necessary. I won’t feign presumptions on how those who write about lesser foodstuffs manage to assign numerical ratings. What constitutes a perfect 10 in, say, pizza? Are there dual systems for thin crust and deep dish? Such are the fodder phantasms that haunt my countertop in the night.

Comparatively, then, I’m grateful for pantry paragons that act as polestars. We know that no cereal on the market today can, however mighty, topple Cracklin’ Oat Bran from its lofty position—even if matched by other exceptional staples. But it’s hard to compare everything against the crème de la crunch. Once in a while, we need to be reminded that superb bowls (heyoo!) exist only in light of normal, unremarkable cereal. We grade Gaussian around these parts, folks, no matter how much one may love log.

So Annie’s released a new cereal. Sort of. Remember Annie’s Homegrown? They make feel-good versions of classic favorites, like organic boxed mac and cheese, organic graham crackers, and organic fruit gummies, all in the shape of their lagomorph mascot. It’s a cute concept, often with a nightmare-conjuring price tag. This one, for instance, runs over $4 USD at my local Walmart for a relatively dinky box.

Naturally, one assumes that quality costs more. And although that hasn’t been the case historically, hare hops spring eternal. Continue reading →

Posted by jared m.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 5 rating, annie's, chocolate, general mills, honey, vanilla. 4 Comments

Feb. ’19

Review: Kellogg’s Caticorn Cereal

Production Assistant Jupiter says, “You’ll pay for this foolishness in belly rubs.”

Is it not foolish for one of humankind’s creations to claim perfection? Are our works not destined to be beautifully flawed, lest we, in our Icarian hubris, overstep our mortal boundaries in selfish pursuit of godliness?

Something tells me Kellogg’s cutesy-tootsy Caticorn knows nothing about the myths of yore. If it did, we’d likely be gorging ourselves next to Medusa Bran* instead of some declawed creature dreamt up to steal Lisa Frank’s market share. It’s clear from the box alone that not only is Caticorn Cereal kind of unoriginal: its claim of “Berry Purrr-fection” sets a bar so high, it’s Herculean—especially for just another mixed fruit cereal.

As of right now, Caticorn Cereal at least has exclusivity going for it. It’s only available at Sam’s Club for the time being, before rolling out to other stores. But determining whether it’s worth buying a massive, 2.3lb Pandora’s box of it (that contains two cinderblock-sized boxes of its own) is up to my humble taste buds and limited pantry real estate.

*Inspired by my recent cereal mix idea, Medusa Crunch would combine Oreo O’s with gummy worms and freeze-dried pudding pieces for a truly stunning flavor combo. Just call me Purrr-seus.

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Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 5 rating, berry, kellogg's. 2 Comments

Feb. ’19

Review: Kellogg’s Overwatch Lúcio-Ohs Cereal

It’s perfectly normal for a grown man to stress-sweat over diacritic placement, right? I remember when Pokémon first arrived on U.S. shores, and no one could figure out what to do with that funky mark over the e. Then a generation of kids learned to use hexadecimal code on our LiveJournals and all was right with the world. Well, what’s old is new again with the drop of this (figurative and literal) loot box. Blizzard has teamed up with Kellogg’s to extrude a veritable Winston of a cereal.

He’s a super-intelligent gorilla. It’s a genetic engineering joke.

And while the character’s vowel woes are only just beginning, I have to express a personal appreciation for the lack of incorrect apostrophe here. Ever wonder what happens to literature majors who manage to land a summer internship with Kellogg’s? Apparently they get to name cereals. Good on you for not going the Honey Oh’s route, anonymous typist! And we didn’t even have to sit through a diatribe about postmodern travel literature to enjoy it.

The promotion is fairly straightforward: buy a box of Lucio-Ohs (see, we’ve dropped the accent mark already because convenience… and search engines) and upload a photo of your receipt to the Kellogg’s website to receive an extra in-game loot boost. With normal loot coming at $2/box, it’s not the most cost-sensitive way to up your chances at anything legendary. As the man says, though, sometimes you’ve got to give yourself to the rhythm.

Speaking of which, Lucio is hardly an intuitive choice. We’ll probably never find out how the decision was made, and that means every night for the rest of my life I have to stare at the ceiling, wondering what Caramel Wrecking Balls might have been. Instead, the loops here are seemingly meant to represent sonic waves. Per Lucio’s default color scheme and Brazilian nationality (perhaps making him the most diverse cereal mascot on shelves at present), they’re yellow and green, so of course that means a rare lemon-lime cereal. Continue reading →

Posted by jared m.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 5 rating, kellogg's, vanilla, video games. 11 Comments

Aug. ’18

Review: Strawberry Life Cereal

Believe me, the strawberry life is a tough one to live.

I would know: I’ve tried it. Always being the sweetest and most loved in the room? It’s not a proud path to follow, but you hand out enough free gum and anyone can be the most loved kid in 5th grade American History class. And having to hang out with Franken Berry? Respect to his legacy, but as a conversationalist, he’s a bit of a dolt—or at least a pain in the neck.

I did like wearing pastel pink though.

That’s all to say that Quaker’s new Strawberry Life cereal faces a questionable judge in this review. I found that there have been very few fruity Life Cereals (Pumpkin Spice doesn’t count!), and perhaps for good reason: I typically associate Life’s multigrain biscuits with richer flavors, so a fruit-filled flavor like strawberry will have to pull some real flavor sorcery to realign my expectation of what a Mikey-approved cereal can be.

Let’s see how much of the strawberry life this can restore to my currently bananas existence. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 5 rating, life, quaker, strawberry. 1 Comment

Apr. ’18

Review: Steak ‘n Shake Froot Loops Milkshake

Toucan Sam himself always told kids to “follow your nose!” And I’m glad he did, because I’ve got a good nose for B.S. (Bumbling Shenanigans).

What do I mean by this? Oh, just the last 5/11 of Steak ‘n Shake’s name. For a place that prides itself on its arctic milk products, presumably made by milking polar bears, a lot of Steak ‘n Shake’s milkshakes seem a little lazy—almost as lazy as putting only one apostrophe on a truncated conjunction that deserves two.

But that’s none of my fast food business, I say while sipping a milkshake like it’s hot tea.

The shakes, on the other hand, are my bloggerly business, and time and time again, I’ve been disappointed by S&S shakes that don’t make the most of their ingredients, instead seemingly dusting chunks of M&M’s, Kit Kats, Cocoa Krispies, or otherwise, when the more logical thing to use would be a flavored ice cream base.

This is why I’m remaining tentatively skeptical of the chain’s new Froot Loops Shake: joining a quintet of other breakfast flavors, this dairy concoction is far from daring. Not only has it been done before, but this Froot Loops Shake has huge talons to fill, as last year’s Burger King Froot Loops Shake was a fantastic tropical elixir infused with magical cereal syrup.

I don’t expect Steak ‘n Shake to use fancy strawberry ice cream or anything, but are a few pumps of mysterious fruit goo too much to ask? Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 5 rating, froot loops, kelloggs. Leave a comment