Tag Archives: 6 rating

Review: Bear Naked Chocolate Almond Clusters Cereal

Bear Naked Chocolate Almond Clusters Cereal Box

According to the box, Bear Naked Cereal’s new Chocolate Almond Clusters are “APPROVED BY BEARS.”

Personally, I’d like to see the National Bear Advisory Board’s citations on this, because like many mammals, bears can’t eat chocolate! The stuff contains theobromine, a chemical that’s toxic to our furry friends. So why, then, would the entire bear population sign off—in all capital letters, no less—on a cereal that contains enough cocoa to have them growling “oh no” as they cartoonishly grip their stomachs like Yogi Bear after stealing a picnic basket full of potato salad that’s been in the sun too long?

Are they trying to fatten us up with a calorie-dense breakfast so we taste better later? Are the bears just bad at reading contractual fine print? Or is this all just a pointlessly long-winded introduction I wrote to hide the fact that I spent $4 on this cereal?

The answer to all three is yes. Continue reading

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Review: Despicable Me Cereal with Minion Marshmallows

Kellogg's Despicable Me Cereal with Minion Marshmallows Box Review

With my right hand raised, I, Dan G. of Cerealously, vow to complete this review of Kellogg’s new Despicable Me Cereal without voicing any of my personal opinions about Minions, the Minion phenomenon, or the fact that Minions somehow still overpopulate my Facebook feed with sassy memes in the year 2017.

There, now that the hard part’s over, I can evaluate this cereal objectively. At first glance—once you get past those moon-sized, staring eyes—Despicable Me Cereal appears to be the latest square-shaped, marshmallow-stuffed entry in Kellogg’s cinematic cereal franchise, an anthology that includes Finding Dory Cereal, Captain America Civil War Cereal, and several others with identical flavors but laughably different source materials.

But look, look closer with your special, telescopic Minion eyes, and you’ll see that Despicable Me Cereal is actually Brown Sugar Vanilla-flavored! I feel like we need to celebrate this trend-bucking mix-up of Kellogg’s repetitive movie cereal formula.

Anyone down for a Return of the Jedi-style party with Ewoks, bonfires, and the grinning blue ghosts of several force-sensitive mentors? Continue reading

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Review: Cinnamon Pebbles Cereal from Post

Post Cinnamon Pebbles Cereal Box

For someone who has allegedly sworn to keep his neolithic neighbor from sampling his cereal, Fred sure is holding that bowl of overflowing Cinnamon Pebbles dangerously close to a spoon-wielding Barney.

Could Post’s newest Pebbles cereal be tasty enough to settle eons-old breakfast rivalries? Is Barney secretly wearing pterodactyl slippers to get a silent jump on Fred’s mammoth bowl? Or has the cascading cinnamon stick over these lovable neanderthals’ heads inspired them to set their differences aside, as they realize that their prehistoric climate is about to be disrupted not by a meteor, but by an astronomically large spice tube?

Such questions may never be answered, unless Post releases a mail-away Cinnamon Pebbles Compendium. But there’s one question I can help answer right now: are Cinnamon Pebbles yabba-dabba-delicious? Or should they be left to prehistory, with their long-discontinued cousin: Cinna-Crunch Pebbles? Continue reading

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Review: Very Berry Cheerios Cereal Flavored with Real Fruit

General Mills Very Berry Cheerios Box

I hope you all had a legendary and merry December, because it’s time to carry that spirit into an extraordinary January full of Very Berry Cheerios!

If you can’t tell, I’m getting a head start on my New Year’s Resolution: “make more annoying rhymes.”

While Very Berry is far from the first fruity Cheerios variety to hit shelves, this cereal takes the shortcake when it comes to sheer quantity of berries. Flavored with strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, and cranberries, the only thing missing from Very Berry Cheerios is a bushel of Wonka’s snozzberries.

But I think the wallpaper industry still has exclusive rights to America’s annual snozzberry harvests, so I’ll forgive General Mills for stopping at four berries. This has been a fruitful year for them, after all: from Berry Bunnies and newly reformulated Trix to two varieties of Tiny Toast, ol’ GM has had its fair share of juicy 2016 scoops.

Will Very Berry Cheerios be a worthy closer for this year of naturally flavored, artificial color-free berry cereals? There’s only one way to find out, and spoiler alertit involves stuffing my annoying rhyme-hole with purple oat rings. Continue reading

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Classic Review: Post Raisin Bran Cereal

Post Raisin Bran Cereal Box Review

I’ve been on a long quest to review every raisin bran cereal imaginable, a quest so exhaustive that I bran out of “raisin bran” puns months ago.

Wait, guess I had one more in me.

Having travelled far, eaten a lot, and picked many raisins out of tricky tooth crevasses, it’s time for me to return again to raisin bran’s humble origins. Not all the way back—I’ve already reviewed the first raisin bran ever created—but still back to 1942, when Post Raisin Bran debuted in the same year as Kellogg’s Raisin Bran, a simultaneous release that I can only imagine ended in West Side Story-esque rivalries between street gangs loyal to each respective bran brand.

But is Post the Raisin Bran with the most, or does Kellogg’s smiling sun melt away the competition? Time to unsheathe my spoon, ready my dental floss, and find out. Continue reading

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Review: Quaker “Bring Your Best Bowl” Oatmeal Finalists

Quaker "Bring Your Best Bowl" Oatmeal Box Review

Wait, does this mean my “PB&J Oatmeal” idea got rejected?

And my “Double Stuf Oreo Oatmeal” idea, too? Even my “Neapolitan Oatmeal,” “Thanksgiving Leftovers Oatmeal,” and intentionally redundant “Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pie Oatmeal” ideas? All thrown in the trash heap?

Okay fine, Quaker Oats guy, I’ll accept this criminal oversight, only because the flavor finalists in your user-submitted “Bring Your Best Bowl” contest sound pretty darn good. There were over 500,000 entries for the competition earlier this year, but only three tempting tastes remain: Vanilla Chai Oatmeal, Lemon Ricotta Pancake Oatmeal, and Apple Cheddar Rosemary Oatmeal.

To pick the winner, Quaker has slapped all three finalists into a single box. It’s up to us—the humble consumers—to try ’em and vote with our taste buds here: the winner will be “saved” on shelves. Since this is a game of oatmeal life or death, I figured I’d do my civic duty and eat three breakfasts in a day. Continue reading

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Guest Review: Nestle Lion Cereal

Nestle Lion Cereal Box

Soooo: I’ve been in Copenhagen for a week for work and really had no chance to get very far out of the meeting venue and hotel meeting rooms for anything other than fancy dinners. But who the hell reading this site would care about that when such hotel isolation provides an opportunity to try a cereal that can’t be found on this side of the pond?

Obviously, I had to find a local grocery store to see Europe’s exclusive cereal options, and Lion Cereal is one I have seen in the past but never gave a go. My first thought was, “You know what really sucks about a chocolate and caramel cereal based on a candy bar? The answer is not one damn thing!“

I’m looking at you, Twix. The “candy bar cereal” ball is in your court now. Continue reading

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Review: Erewhon Simply Vanilla Granola

Erewhon Gluten-Free Simply Vanilla Granola Box

Another day, another free granola sample from Attune Foods that I’ll happily review because it means I didn’t have to pay for my own breakfast. But as usual, receiving my morning meal via USPS doesn’t mean that I’ll be pulling any punches or crunches when taste testing.

I accept all free samples, but I give no free rides.

Today’s spotlighted spoonful is Simply Vanilla Granola. With its abbreviated ingredient list, highlighted organic and gluten-free promises, and stout packaging design, this granola really wants to appear simple. It’s a lot like me: I spend a lot of time convincing people I’m a man of simple pleasures, when in reality I have a .txt file of “cool cereal adjectives” saved to my desktop.

Let’s see if Simply Vanilla Granola earns any of those effervescently grandiose adjectives. Continue reading

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