Tag Archives: 6 rating

Review: Banana Split Dippin’ Dots Cereal

What will the cereal of the future look like?

Long dubbed the ice cream of the future, Dippin’ Dots’ (I’m gonna need to order another box of apostrophes) famous evolution was both the atomization and flesh-ripping frostification of the classically amorphous dairy treat using dry ice.

Since there’s already been cereal with freeze dried ice cream bits, any truly revolutionary cereal will have to up the ante from there.

Micro-chipped cereal for GPS-powered “Breakfast Go” mobile games? Zero calorie Diet Cereal (or at least translucent Crystal Cereal?)?

Ooh, or maybe a 100% All Beef Hot Dog Cereal…you know…to compete with Dippin’ Dots’ at the ball game?

Regardless, General Mills’ new Dippin’ Dots Cereal is here, to the delight of many and the frustration of one, and I’m going to see if it’s as innovative as its namesake by first trying the flavor that fits with this week’s theme of banana madness: Banana Split!

(If I die of a potassium overdose, blame whichever Banana in Pyjamas has a higher net worth.)

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 6 rating, banana, chocolate, general mills, ice cream, strawberry. 3 Comments

Mar. ’18

Review: Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts (2018)

Snack to the future!

Unless you’ve been living under a Fraggle Rock, you’ve probably noticed that food and beverage companies are capitalizing on America’s recent wave of nostalgia—a yearning for the ’80s, ’90s, and in the case of Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts, even the early 2000s—brought on by the cruel world we live in now that’s so nonsensical it would nominate Boss Baby for an Oscar.

Yes, from Crystal Pepsi and Oreo O’s to Ecto-Cooler and Chicken Fries, Big Foodstuff has been throwbacking so hard the chiropractic industry has been thriving. The only thing missing now is Planters PB Crisps, the last two pieces of which have been spotted dangling from the back of Mr. Peanut’s Silverado.

And while all those wacky retro fonts and radical blurbs of pandering marketing copy are starting to get old, I support this snack-studded nostalgia trip if it means I keep getting to taste revived old Pop-Tarts like Vanilla Milkshake. Originally released in 2008, Vanilla Milkshake recently re-debuted alongside Strawberry Milkshake, and thanks to my region’s award-winningly slow-to-stock-new-things Walmarts (where Vanilla Milkshake is an exclusive flavor), I only finally found them this week.

So while a budding lactose intolerance keeps me from enjoying real vanilla milkshakes (almond milk, ftw), now I can live vicariously through these frosted ravioli. And yes, that’s the last time I’ll ever make a “Pop-Tarts are ravioli” joke. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 6 rating, kelloggs, pop-tarts, vanilla. 2 Comments

Jan. ’18

Review: Annie’s Organic Cinnabunnies Cereal (Gluten Free)

I’m gonna be real with you, Annie: you missed a huge opportunity.

Instead of the delightfully droll pun “Cinnabunnies,” you could have worked with the good folks at Cinnabon to craft an organic cinnamon roll recipe, melt those rolls into a fine paste (using only gluten-free fire), then used that base formula to glaze your wee little sorghum and rice flour bunnies.

Then you could have authentically called them “Cinnamon BUNnies.”

You see what I did there? Bun? Like the baked…good…?

Alright, I’ll shut up and review the cereal. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 6 rating, annie's, cinnamon. 2 Comments

Jan. ’18

Review: Lucky Charms Frosted Flakes Cereal

I love crossovers.

Jetsons meet the Flintstones? Great. Scooby-Doo meets the Harlem Globetrotters? Awesome. Peanut butter meets jelly? Bodacious! Two different groups of my friends meet in the same bar and I respond by anxiously escaping to the bathroom? Fantas—wait, wait, no.

Okay, maybe Egon was right and some streams aren’t meant to cross. But that didn’t stop General Mills from capitalizing on Kellogg’s inability to trademark the too-vague term “Frosted Flakes,” pouncing on those two words like an enraged Tony the Tiger on a gazelle and making these Lucky Charms Frosted Flakes.

Seriously, I’m not one for conspiracy theories, but this has to be a deliberate move to incite a little friendly cereal competition. I fully expect Kellogg’s to fire back with “Cinnabon Toast Munch” within the month.

But regardless of why General Mills did this, Lucky Charms Frosted Flakes are here. The lion of sugar-coated corn flakes has laid down with the technicolor sugar nugget lamb, and now our dental health’s reckoning must begin. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 6 rating, general mills, lucky charms, marshmallows. 11 Comments

Dec. ’17

Review: Cookies ‘N’ Creme Rice Krispies Treats

It’s about time those backstabbing cookies held up their end of the bargain.

See, during a publicized black market trade deal back in 2014, Snap, Crackle, and Pop sold off their DNA to Nabisco, so those cookie-smiths could craft their groundbreaking Marshmallow Crispy Oreos. But the trio of pixies only did it on one condition: in return, Nabisco would have to send over strands of unadulterated sandwich cookie DNA, so Kellogg’s could make an Oreo Rice Krispies Treat.

But they never did. Ever wonder why Nabisco so conveniently moved production operations to Mexico shortly after? It was to avoid a crackling vendetta.

But their relentless mascot mafia, with the help of the Keebler Elf yakuza, finally tracked down the Oreo formula they sought, and now we have these new Cookies ‘N’ Creme Rice Krispies Treats. It’s been a long snack snafu*, and many were left sleeping with the Flavor-Blasted Goldfish, but now I can finally stop painstakingly mixing my Rice Krispies and Oreo O’s.

*Note, none of the above is true, but it would make a killer graphic novel, wouldn’t it? Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 6 rating, chocolate, kelloggs, non cereal, oreo, rice krispies. 2 Comments

Nov. ’17

Holiday Review: Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms Cereal

Halloween: over.
Jack-O-Lanterns: Decomp-O-sed.
Skeletons: stuffed back inside their human shells, where they belong.

Yes, now that October’s climactic ‘ween has waned, I’m slowly waxing into full Christmas mode (it’s easy to wax when you have so much 50% off candy corn left over). I know what you all you turkeys are thinking: but what about Thanksgiving? And I say to you two things. One, since Thanksgiving is objectively the chillest holiday, I don’t think it would give a rat’s mashed potato if we used it as a one-day, turkey-steeped nap in the middle of two months’ worth of Christmas mania.

And two: you show me a Thanksgiving cereal I can write about instead, and I’ll gladly dive headfirst into that bowl of Green Bean Casserole Toast Crunch.

So yes, I’m starting the holidays early with my review of Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms, one of two new wintery treats from General Mills. As for Thanksgiving, I’ll just leave out some stuffing and a glass of cranberry sauce for Tryptophanta Claus. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 6 rating, general mills, holiday, lucky charms. 2 Comments

Sep. ’17

Review: Steak ‘n Shake Breakfast Cereal Milkshakes (Cinnamon Crunch & Honey Smacks)

Whoever first decided to pair milkshakes with cereal deserves a monument. Only a giant marble shake cup will do, preferably filled with liquid platinum and gold nuggets to stand in for soft serve-soaked cereal nibs. It’s an unexpectedly genius idea: sure, cereal and milk have an esteemed history, but you don’t generally associate an indulgent dessert like a milkshake with anything breakfast related—unless you had a bad night at the casino and want to make one last terrible 4am choice.

Now I may revoke my celebration of the breakfast shake’s inventor if this confection enables the shuddersome creation of cereal-infused cheese, but for now, let’s celebrate this golden age of shakes by uniting sugared cereals and cold cream cylinders in holy gastro-matrimony—at a place that’s literally 50% founded on milkshakes.

Yes, Steak ‘n Shake has 5 new Breakfast Shakes—technically 4, because one is Caramel Latte and you can tell the other shakes are only bringing him along because their moms made them (I’ve been there, buddy…as Caramel Latte). I intend to review all of them—Frosted Flakes, Cocoa Krispies, Cinnamon Crunch, and Honey Smacks—eventually, but based on how late my shake-seeking partner and I made it to The House of Beef and Lactose, I didn’t want to be up until 4am with a sugar-addled brain and an abdomen swollen to the size of a cow’s first three stomachs.

Because at that point, I’d feel terrible enough to go back for a fifth. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 6 rating, 7 rating, cinnamon, honey, kelloggs, non cereal. Leave a comment

Aug. ’17

Review: Frosted Mixed Berry Shredded Wheat Cereal

Well, well, well: here we are again, Shredded Wheat.

My first experience with one of Shredded Wheat’s new trilogy of flavors, which not-so-subtly tries top compete with Frosted Mini-Wheats by, well, frosting the brand’s iconic miniature wheat biscuits and stuffing (allegedly) flavorful stuff inside, was cosmically bland. I swore I wouldn’t try another flavor. I started smashing all square and/or thatched things in my apparent. I even told people I was allergic to wheat—just the sight of it, not the taste.

But after being coerced by a trusted source to give this Mixed Berry variety a try, and after (unsurprisingly) failing to find Count Chocula when it’s still hot enough out to boil swimming pools into holy water, I find myself staring at a bowlful of vaguely mauve biscuits.

Alright, Shredded Wheat. Let’s do this. Just don’t forget: bore me once, shame on you. Bore me twice, I’m going to start crank-calling the National Wheat Foundation out of juvenile spite. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 6 rating, blueberry, post, raspberry, shredded wheat, strawberry. 4 Comments