Tag Archives: chex

Review: Maple Brown Sugar Chex

New Maple Brown Sugar Chex Review – Box

Dearest Corn,

Look, I know I’m probably the last person you want to receive a letter from. In fact, you probably called me a “mother-shucker” and popped a movie-theater-buttered blood vessel just seeing my name on the envelope. But I owe you an apology. Several, actually.

I’m sorry for blaming the death of the already undead Monster Cereals on you. I’m sorry for calling you “a starchy scourge that’s turned the cereal industry into a (literal) husk of what it once was.” And I’m sorry I double-dipped that tortilla chip in the guac when no one was looking.

Because the truth is, while, yes, 99% of modern cereals that use your milled flour as a base turn out to be terrible—as the flavors basted on top struggle to contend with your maize-y twang—there’s also another kernel of truth that says there are good corn cereals. In fact, there are corn cereals as outstanding in their field as the scarecrows that guard them. These mostly include those cereals that wear their corniness on their weathered flannel sleeves: the Corn Flakes, Corn Pops, and dearly departed Corn Bran Crunches of this world.

And yes, Corn Chex, too.

You see, I’ve noticed something: amongst all the endlessly reproducing Chex varieties, whose choices of base grain always seem arbitrary, the corn ones always trump the rice ones. Honey Nut Chex? Peanut Butter Chex? The likes of Blueberry and Apple Cinnamon are glass cannons of flavor-blasted blandness in comparison to you, corn, and your comparative golden-toasted heartland heartiness.

Now, Maple Brown Sugar Chex belongs amongst that elite Chexian Corps., too.

So here’s to you, corn. You’re a hull of a guy, after all. Continue reading

Bite-Sized Review: Apple Cinnamon Chex & Galactic Lucky Charms

Still breaking down my breakfast backlog!

News: Apple Cinnamon Chex

New Apple Cinnamon Chex Cereal Box

And the hits keep coming! From Lucky Charms Clusters to a whole cluster of new Pop-Tarts, it’s been a big week for breakfast news—almost entirely because Midwest grocer Meijer put up early website listings for them. While I’m not sure how the big cereal execs feel about these leaks, I’m certainly not complaining: saves me from having to get seedy back-alley snack news from the same guy who told me Doritos would be releasing pentagram-shaped Diablitos.

The latest new cereal find is Apple Cinnamon Chex. I won’t say this is the most exciting news—between Apple Jacks and Cheerios, the apples & cinnamon game is pretty well covered—but since Honey Bunches of Oats discontinued their superb A&C edition to replace it with the also-solid Apple Caramel Crunch, I suppose there’s room in the cereal aisle for Chex to make a go at it, too.

My main gripe is that General Mills chose a Rice Chex base for this. It worked alright in Blueberry Chex, but rice is just such a light and flavorless base that it was a real pleasant surprise to try deeply toasted Peanut Butter (Corn) Chex. It may sound odd for me to endorse corn-based cereals, since I tend to denounce them in every other article, but until the day GM drops an Oat Chex, I’ll keep rallying for the richer of two base grains.

Either way, Apple Cinnamon Chex should be releasing within the next couple months.

Review: South Korean Green Onion Chex Cereal

South Korean Green Onion Chex Cereal Review Box

DON’T READ THIS.

Remember all those chain letters from the internet’s gullible youth that would start in largely the same way, threatening that if you don’t, say, send this cereal review to 10 other people, Chaka the ogreish Chex piece will sneak into your room at 3a.m. tonight and belch directly into your mouth?

That’s exactly how cursed Kellogg’s of South Korea’s Green Onion Chex Cereal feels. If you aren’t familiar with why this cereal exists, trust me: there’s no way its taste could be more interesting than its origin story, so I suggest you read my first post on the topic before continuing. But even though it’s a great tale, I’m no longer convinced it’s more than a government coverup. Kellogg’s SK may claim that their 2004 mock election between double-chocolate Cheky and green onion Chaka—the latter of whom won the popular vote in a landslide thanks to online agitators—was rigged so kids could enjoy the chocolatey cereal they’d already planned, I think the truth could be more sinister. Perhaps, after Chaka won and Kellogg’s decided to craft a Green Onion Chex, the end result was a substance so foreboding and oppressive that they had to seal it away like an unspeakable eldritch horror.

And now, after 16 years, they aren’t charitably making up for an earlier snub. No, they’re doing damage control: the dormant Chaka’s slumber has been disturbed by 2020’s various…2020isms…and now much like Rita Repulsa, he’s finally free to conquer Earth with his many layers of cross-hatched crunchy creepiness.

Is that to say Green Onion Chex tastes bad? Well, the answer isn’t cut and dry. More like, “cut and watch your eyes water right into the bowl.” Continue reading

News: Wait…Why is Kellogg’s Releasing a Green Onion Cereal in South Korea?

South Korean Kellogg's Green Onion Cereal Chex

The answer is way more interesting than you might think. More than just an unhinged marketing gimmick, the story of South Korean Green Onion Chex is really about a fight for breakfast democracy, 16 years in the making.

In 2004, Kellogg’s of South Korea made one very short-sighted assumption. They wanted to debut a new version of their Chocolate Chex cereal—yes, it must be noted that, for some reason, Kellogg’s SK has the rights to use Chex (a General Mills cereal almost everywhere else) in branding—so Kellogg’s marketers launched an event for kids: an election between two candidates in the running to be “the president of Kellogg–Chex world.”

Kids could vote for either Cheky, a hip young square who promised to double the chocolate flavor in Kellogg’s Chex cereal, or Chaka, a rude and ugly Chex piece who promised to put green onions in Kellogg’s Chex instead. Again, foolishly assuming that kids would naturally choose super-chocolatey Cheky over his hybrid Shrek/Mucinex Mascot opponent, Kellogg’s SK let kids vote through a public online poll. Continue reading

Review: Chex Quest HD

Chex Quest HD Title

Have you ever eaten a bag of Chex Mix and thought—boy, I wonder which of these pieces would kick the most ass. Well wonder no more, because Fred Chexter of Chex Quest fame is back, and he’s brought a ragtag crew of starchy squadmates with him.

For fans of this blog, Chex Quest needs no introduction. I’ve already written multiple articles on the game and how my childhood fondness for it set off a chain reaction culminating in my site’s immaculate conception from the Milky Way’s milkiest æther. If you need a quick refresher on how we got to this point, allow me to brief—I don’t want my current play session to get soggy.

In 1996, General Mills contracted a small game studio, Digital Café, to design a CD-ROM to be packaged in cereal boxes. Working on a tight timeframe, they ended up doing a full, family-friendly DOOM conversion about a snotty Flemoid alien invasion of a breakfast star system. The hero, Fred Chexter, uses Zorch technology to send the lil boogers back to their home dimension. Continue reading

News: Chex Quest HD Will Be Free-To-Play on Steam This Summer!

Chex Quest HD Six Playable Characters Chex Mix Squadron

If you showed the above image to a young me, two decades ago, I would rocket out of the Garfield library book (you know the ones) I had my nose buried lasagna-deep in and call dibs on playing as the Wheat Chex Warrior.

Yes, this has been an extradimensionally surreal week for me and millio—err, thousands…well, maybe just dozens of diehard Chex Quest fans like me. At the ripe, but far from stale, age of 24, the Chex Quest franchise has a bizarre history that spans imagination and risked litigation. If you aren’t familiar with the origin story that’s brought us to this post, I highly recommend reading my previous two articles on the game: a full history of the original trilogy, and a teaser-debuting interview with Charles Jacobi, who art directed the original Chex Quest, lovingly made Chex Quest 3, and is now helming Chex Quest HD production.

But in short, here’s a bullet-pointed breakdown: Continue reading

Review: Peanut Butter Chex Cereal

General Mills New Peanut Butter Chex Cereal Review Box

Ever play Mario Kart? From Toadette to Bowser and every Birdo in between, the characters have three broad weight classes: light, medium, and heavy. Modern Chex cereals follow a very similar model, with each choosing to use a rice, corn, or wheat base, respectively.

Now I’m not saying that Donkey Kong would ever trade bananas for Wheat Chex, nor that there should to be a Chex Quest Kart in which Fred Chexter and various Flemoids do sick drifts through the Caverns of Bazoik—but it is very important that the respective density of each Chex variety complements the flavor glazed upon it.

For example, Blueberry Chex‘s rice base makes for great high-velocity munching, but the vaporous nature of the grain doesn’t ideally suit the equal subtleties of blueberry flavoring. That’s why when Peanut Butter Chex was announced with a Corn Chex base, I was excited to get my cob-nobbing mitts on a box. General Mills was kind enough to send me one, so it’s time to butter up and eat these babies rotary style.

(Those heathens who prefer to eat corn on the cob “typewriter” style are free to try and change my mind in the comments.) Continue reading