Tag Archives: maple

19

Oct. ’20

Review: Elf Cereal

Maple Buddy the Elf Cereal Review Box

Ahh, okay. The extended Elven cereal mythos is starting to make sense.

So seventeen years after the events depicted in the 2003 Will Ferrell holiday family comedy Elf, an unfleshed-out character tribe known as the South Pole Elves resurfaced in reality, when known Chaotic Neutral trickster archetype “Elf on the Shelf” escaped from an Antarctic prison, as described in my recent post on the Shelved Elf’s upcoming second cereal.

We can then assume that, since Buddy the Elf & the North Pole’s noble proletariat are the Nice List antithesis of Elf on the Shelf’s menacing malice, General Mills’ new Elf Cereal must be on a divine Clausian crusade to restore wholesome holiday energy to the breakfast table. I mean, why else would an Elf Cereal take nearly two decades to happen? And no, we don’t count the false prophet.

Personally, though I think Elf is a well-written Christmas movie, I’ve seen it enough times that my fanaticism for its fa-la-la follies tapered off after the first decade or so of annual airings. Nevertheless, I’ll be reviewing Elf Cereal, all maple-puffed and pine-mallowed, with the unbiased palate of a…

Line?

Yeah, from Elf, or at least Buddy’s Musical Christmas.

Uh.

The unbiased palate of a narwhal. Let’s move on. Continue reading →

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05

Aug. ’20

News: Chocolate Eggo Cereal

New Eggo Chocolate Waffle Cereal

How does the poem go?

Do not weep for Waffle Crisp, for it is not gone.
It is the wind that shakes the mighty Maple.
It is the gentle butter that melts upon your face.
It is the crisped batter bubble that griddles through the dark amber.
It is the sticky remnants of a syrup’d stream. 

Something like that. The point is that while I, like most, may never stop mourning the U.S. discontinuation of Waffle Crisp, the mantle of maple cereals now lies on strong shoulders. After Eggo Cereal was discontinued itself back in 2012 and only just revived last year in Homestyle Maple and Blueberry flavors, it seems the stuff was successful enough to warrant another iteration.

Granted, I’d think Chocolate Chip would make more sense, but I can’t stay mad at the idea of a chocolate maple cereal. First teased by Cereal Snob a few days ago and since confirmed by Kellogg’s, a Chocolate Eggo Cereal is indeed coming soon.

Though perhaps I shouldn’t get too excited, as the naming and description for this product cleverly dances around the word “maple,” leaving it unclear whether this might be just another chocolate cereal.

“Kellogg’s Eggo Chocolate Waffle Cereal has the delicious taste and mouthwatering aroma of Eggo, all packed into an indulgent mini chocolate waffle piece. Each piece is dusted with chocolatey goodness that saturates the milk all the way to the last bite, leaving a bowl of delectable chocolatey cereal milk. The new cereal will be available at retailers nationwide in December.”

Well there you have it: all we know is that we know nothing for sure. Oh well, December is a ways away (about three weeks of quarantine, it will feel like). For now, I’m just glad Eggo is helping those of us who won’t…ahem…let go of Waffle Crisp’s memory.

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09

May. ’20

News: What’s Up with IHOP Panflakes?

IHOP Panflakes Cereal Box

It’s about time.

With French toast and waffles soaking up the most syrupy cereal attention, the O.G. (Original Griddler) of the breakfast’s holy maple trinity has been inexplicably left out. Yeah, there’s been that one pancake cereal, but since the likes of French Toast Crunch and Waffle Crisp have already done their namesake foodstuff proper geometric justice, Cap’n Crunch’s pan-puffs feel borderline disrespectful—not to mention overeager; who makes a blueberry pancake cereal before classic maple?

Thankfully, IHOP is teasing a new breakfast product that appears to risk it for the disc-shaped syrup biscuit. Continue reading →

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06

Mar. ’20

Review: Aunt Jemima & Cap’n Crunch’s Berrytastic Pancake Mix with Ocean Blue Syrup

New Aunt Jemima Cap'n Crunch Pancake Mix Review Berrytastic Box

So, I have this tradition. Every March 6th, without fail, just before my temple greets its parish of pillows, I will jolt awake with childlike wonder and adultlike anxiety, having suddenly remembered that National Cereal Day is on March 7th, and I’ve totally forgotten to draft up meaningful content.

Cut to me, scraggled by crummy overhead lighting and disheveled as the pantry shelves I’m whipping through like a lethargic whirlwind. I mean, can you blame me? Sure, I’ve got cereal on my mind a lot, but National Cereal Day has long been an annual anomaly that exists without discernible reason nor rhyme, just an arbitrarily selected and sweetened day from the never-ending passage of time.

I’m sure that’s just my brain complaining though, as it desperately wishes to get back to its dreams of supermodels eating soups or salads or whatever else my nefarious noggin gets into when I’m severed from it by sleep. After all, what better way to celebrate everyone’s favorite morning munchie than by groggily griddling up the stuff by the battered scoopful at 2am?

Though it may not be a proper cereal, Cap’n Crunch and Aunt Jemima’s historic new partnership is practically begging for National Cereal Day’s spotlight. Why? Well, not because it’s good, but because it’s so stupid, it’s great.

Continue reading →

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02

Mar. ’20

Spooned & Spotted: Cereal & Pancakes! (IHOP & Cap’n Crunch)

New IHOP Cereal Pancakes (Lucky Charms and Cinnamon Toast Crunch)

(UPDATED MARCH 2: IHOP is adding frequent Lucky Charms co-collaborator Cinnamon Toast Crunch to their cereal pancake ensemble, and Cap’n Crunch too!)

Finally. Validation.

For too long, I’ve been playfully chided by friends, frenemies and sea anemones alike for my admittedly uncommon habit of drizzling maple syrup on just about every cereal out there—just to see if it’s good! And it almost always is! But now? IHOP is giving me implicit permission to go full hog on a stack of cereal pancakes, amber lagoon and all.

What’s that? There’s no mention of syrup in this ad for IHOP’s new Cereal Pancakes? Well, there’s (strangely) no explicit brand mention of Lucky Charms either, so forgive me for wanting what is already no-doubt a brain-buzzer of sugary madness to slide down my gullet a bit easier.

IHOP Cap'n Crunch Pancakes

Sure the Lucky Charms (Fruity Lucky Charms, specifically) pieces are exciting, but what’s got me geeked here is the “CREAMY CEREAL MILK MOUSSE” drizzled about with ersatz artistry. No clue exactly what it’ll taste like, but if I’m already taking creative liberties with these panned cakes, I might as well scrape off all the mousse, replace it with syrup, and take it home to eat with a bowl of Eggo Cereal.

Because no disrespect to IHOP, but only one ounce of awesomeness? I can do better. Continue reading →

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29

Nov. ’19

Review: Eggo Cereal (Homestyle Maple & Blueberry!)

Kellogg's New Eggo Cereal Review Boxes

Shhh! Here: take these black robes and put them on. Just don’t make a sound.

Tiptoe around the maple-scented candles and gather round the Ouija Griddle.

Tonight, we’re going to try and summon Waffle Crisp from the grave.

…

…

Zounds! Foiled by Beelzegrub himself again! No matter how many boxes of Chicken & Waffles Cereal I sacrifice, the necromancers who dwell in the cursed ruins of Postopia never hear my cries. But all is not lost: my prayers have reached the GRRR-oaning orifices of the Kellogg’s Leviathan, who have rewarded my syrupy blood magics with two boxes of Eggo Cereal. All it took was 10,000 people to discard their souls and retweet the demands of their branded overlords.

But nevertheless, Eggo Cereal is back after 7 years spent in eggs-in-purgatory—in both Maple and Blueberry, at that. But is it a worthy successor to our dearly departed dark amber lord? Allow me to retrieve my devilish pitch-spork and find out. Continue reading →

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15

Nov. ’19

News: Eggo Cereal Officially Returns in Maple & Blueberry

Official Kellogg's Maple Eggo Cereal Review

Could you imagine if there was a new Super Smash Bros. game, and the first characters they announced were like, Birdo, Tingle and Doshin the Giant? And then two months later they drop a cryptic trailer confirming that Mario will be playable this time around?

Yeah, that was the kind of anachronistic vibe I got when news of Blueberry Eggo Cereal dropped some time ago, not long after Eggo got the necessary 10,000 retweets to bring the cereal back. Sure, blueberry and maple is fun, but a) Cap’n Crunch already dropped a passable combo like that, and b) the world has been lost in a haze of log-cabin fever for too long now, after the unjust and untimely death of Waffle Crisp.

See you, griddled cowboy ;__;

Continue reading →

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26

Sep. ’19

News: Blueberry Eggo Cereal is Coming Soon!

Kellogg's Blueberry Eggo Cereal

Buckle up, friends: we’re in for a ride.

In fact, you should probably buckle up, drive to your nearest greasy spoon station, pull up to pump #4, Ignore the standard unleaded butter and mid-grade compotes. No, only super premium syrup will provide the fuel needed for this high-octane breakfast road trip.

You may recall that August 24 was National Waffle Day, which, unlike the seemingly arbitrarily dated National Cereal Day, actually commemorates the anniversary of the first waffle iron patent. You may also remember that on said red-letter day, the red-fonted Eggo Twitter account promised to bring back Eggo Cereal, should they get 10,000 retweets.

They did, of course, and while we may pose several conspiracy theories about the legitimacy of those stats—it takes a long time to make a new cereal, so they likely already had it ready, plus the retweets stalled at 4,000 for a week before launching up conspicuously—but it seems the end result more than makes up for it.

Yes, thanks to reader Devin, we have an exclusive first look at Blueberry Eggo Cereal! No word yet on whether original Maple will return as well—to fill the Waffle Boy sized hole left in my heart—but this alone is beyond exciting. Looking at these indigo-specked waffle rounds, I’m holding onto hope that these taste more like Ralston’s legendary Blueberry Waffleos than Cap’n Crunch’s ho-hum Blueberry Pancake Crunch.

No word yet on when these jacks will flap onto shelves, but I think the moral of the story is that we all should be guilt-tripping sassy brand Twitter accounts into creating or reviving innovative cereals. After all, it’s the least they can do in return for filling our timelines with embarrassing “wrap battles” about Crunchwraps and Jimmy Dean breakfast burritos.

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