Good news! You no longer have to read my obscure analogies or tolerate my painfully obtuse adjectives (like painfully obtuse, for example) in order to get all the latest cereal news!
Yes, you, me, and my thesaurus alike are rejoicing now that cereal record-keeper Gabe Fonseca’s Cereal Time YouTube series is back on the virtual airwaves. If you’re not familiar with the series’ storied legacy, its videos each detail a different cereal’s own storied history. It was a fun and nostalgic watch for a long time, but 6 months ago, Gabe put it on indefinite (but still cliffhanging) hiatus.
After a cosmically uncertain transition period, the 2017 cereal world is ready to welcome Gabe and Cereal Time back from the time-traveling beyond. How about we celebrate its glorious return the same way we used to: by watching the latest episodes together, writing too much about them, and having you skip my blabbering to get to the next one?
The first video on Gabe’s comeback tour details the newest member of the Toast Crunch family: Apple Cinnamon Toast Crunch! After a lengthy diatribe about green’s questionable presence as Apple Cinnamon’s de facto flavor hue (which is probably because red can already mean anything from cherry and strawberry to watermelon or Rock-a-Dile Red Kool-Aid), Gabe comes to the same conclusion I did: this stuff is great, and nearly worth forgiving the death of Tiny Toast we had to endure to get it.
Confession time: I’m totally okay with all Toast Crunch cereals converting to bread shapes. Blueberry Tiny Toast Toast Toast Crunch is growing to be one of my all-time favorite cereals, so if we can just get Peanut Butter Toast Crunch back on shelves (yep, I’m in the cult following), then I can mix it with Strawberry or Blueberry to craft a PB&J Toast Crunch cereal tasty enough to rip its own wormhole in the space-time continuum.
Next up? A bag full of squishy, technicolored sugar nuggets!
In an unbelievable streak unseen since the [INSERT IMPRESSIVE SPORTS TEAM I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT] went [INSERT SCORE] in [INSERT YEAR], Gabe has got his hands on another box of purely marshmallow-ed Lucky Charms. The first box was from a super rare, 10-boxes-only promotion in 2015 with Biz Markie, and with Gabe’s help I managed to land one of those saccharine monoliths, too.
This new box is from an ongoing promotion, in which 10,000 boxes are given away via in-box codes. Which…I also have one of. Oops.
Gabe gives a better breakdown of the entry process than I could, but I encourage you to enter anyway. Simply because having a box of twinkling childhood dreams (that sounds like a horror movie premise) allows you to remix any familiar cereal with the power of nostalgic marshmallows. Gabe recommends Cinnamon Toast Crunch + marshmallows, but I’d suggest Oreo O’s, simply because it makes those iconic cookies & creme rings taste more like their 2002, Extreme Creme selves.
If you can’t tell, “Extreme Creme” is probably my second favorite 2-word pair of gastronomic terms.
(Number one is “steamed buns.”)
Continuing our new cereal parade, Gabe takes us past our local Crunchy Starbucks (which, like Dumb Starbucks, is legally a non-copyright-infringing parody) to try Mocha Crunch cereal.
Much like with Krave cereal, coffee is a rare topic on which Gabe and I are polar opposites. While Gabe detests hot bean water, I’d happily French press it straight through my pores if that were osmotically possible. So while Mocha Crunch’s lack of coffee flavor earned it a major markdown from me, Gabe noted it as the opposite.
What’s the opposite of a “markdown?” A “michelleup?”
Bonus points to Gabe for doing the easy back-of-the-box puzzle which would’ve made even my 8-year old self scoff into his precocious cup of morning joe. It was definitely “fustatingly” simple, but I will give General Mills one thing: The Daily Crunch would’ve been a great (and easier to pronounce) name for this site.
Saving the dessert-iest for last, we have Birthday Cake Froot Loops!
A truly unique treat in the otherwise tame Froot Loops cereal line, Birthday Cake Froot Loops celebrates Canada’s 150th birthday by gently battering your taste buds with pleasant berry cake batter flavor. AS Gabe truthfully attests, this would totally be a worthwhile pick-up over regular Froot Loops if it were available stateside, and I really wish it were, so that I could decorate my own birthday cake with it come August.
(Hint hint, if any of you were planning to buy me, oh I don’t know, a satchel’s worth of Confetti Cupcake Pop-Tarts or something.)
Gabe also makes a good point about the box’s bilingual sides. This does raise an even bigger question: does this mean Canadian’s have never got to experience the games on the back of a cereal box? I would consider this a national tragedy, but then I remember that crossword on the back of Mocha Crunch and my worries dissolve like forgotten Froot Loops in 2%. Oh well, I’m sure word search-less Canadians are cryign into their awesome exclusive cereals.