Author Archives: dan g.

Why Is Honey Nut Cheerios America’s Best-Selling Cereal? | Infographic

For an impressive 8 (picture two Cheerios stacked on top of each other) years now, Honey Nut Cheerios has been named the best-selling cereal in America.

I would call this unbelievable, but after growing up with a father who exported enough empty Honey Nut Cheerios boxes from our household to build a cardboard replica of the entire Bee Movie set, I’ve experienced first-hand the zealous loyalty this hive-minded cereal can inspire.

But just why does this cereal keep breakfast lovers buzzing nearly 40 years after its introduction? After all, there are other cereals that are sweeter, healthier, or more chocolate chip cookie-shaped. I’ve always wanted to mix some investigative journalism into this blog’s normal stew of reviews and news, so I did some research, flexed my puny graphical muscles, and made an infographic. Click to see it in its full glory:

Are you a true Honey Nut Cheerios bee-liever too? Let me know below just what attracts you to these irresistibly golden-glazed rings. Maybe you and my dad can start a fan club.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: cheerios, general mills, honey. 5 Comments

Apr. ’17

Chex Quest HD: New Gameplay Teaser and an Interview with Art Director Charles Jacobi

If you’re a regular reader—or if you’ve ever just encountered me at a party after one too many Yoo-hoos or Crystal Pepsis—you know I love Chex Quest. I’ve written a tribute to it before, an original CD copy is among my prized possessions, and I’ve often half-jokingly considered getting Lord Snotfolus tattooed across my shoulder blades.

And now the game is being given new life with Chex Quest HD—an Unreal Engine 4 remake currently in development—and I’m giddier than an 8-year old with 50 free hours of America Online and a whole Saturday afternoon to spend them on. Pour yourself a bowl of Chex (or just some Muddy Buddies and milk: we won’t tell) and check out the world premiere of the game in motion above. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: chex. 2 Comments

Apr. ’17

Review: Honey Nut Cheerios Granola Snack

Have you ever been eating Honey Nut Cheerios in one hand and Pop Rocks in the other and thought, “Gee, I really wish someone would combine the best of these two completely different foods. That way I could have a free hand for high-fiving strangers, wrangling rattlesnakes, and writing obtusely obscure hypotheticals into online cereal reviews?”

Well think no more and start mindlessly munching, because General Mills’s new Honey Nut Cheerios Granola Snack is about to make your obtuse problem feel a lot more right.

And yes: that was a geometry joke. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, cheerios, general mills, granola, honey. 6 Comments

Apr. ’17

News: Burger King’s Froot Loop Milkshake is Coming Soon!

Okay fine, Toucan Sam. You got me. This really does Froot my Loops.

Everyone’s favorite nose-following mascot has been pushing his new “Whatever Froots Your Loops” slogan across social media, in everything from tweets to SnapChat filters. Ol’ Toucan Samuel has even been using it in a much-advertised Froot Loops Milkshake recipe video that I’ve seen on Instagram more times than that milkshake has calories.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BP5SvUojuVF/?taken-by=frootloops

That slogan must not have inspired much milkshake motivation, because now Burger King is cutting out the middle man and making a real Froot Loops Shake for us. The moral of the story? If you don’t want to make your own dessert, just be lazy for long enough and a plastic-masked monarch will lovingly pour it right into your lap.

The $2.99 shake is hitting Burger King on April 17th, so mark your calendar, stake out your local BK for a good place to pitch a tent, and prepare you taste buds for trampling—this is gonna be like Black Friday, just with a lot more lactose.

And speaking of which, Burger King describes the Froot Loops Milkshake as containing “Velvety Vanilla-flavored Soft Serve, FROOT LOOPS® Cereal pieces and sweet sauce are hand spun to perfection to create a twist on one of America’s classic breakfast cereals.”

I don’t know what “sweet sauce” is, but I know I’d like it served from wine glasses at my wedding.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: froot loops, news. 2 Comments

Apr. ’17

Review: Trader Joe’s Organic Frosted Brown Sugar & Cinnamon Toaster Pastries

Toaster pastry family dynamics are confusing.

Take the Brown Sugar Cinnamons, for example. From Kellogg’s to Kroger, every brand under the toaster oven’s warming sun has a unique take on Brown Sugar Cinnamon, but they all taste different. Sometimes, I like to try connecting each doughy rectangle on an imaginary family tree.

You have the OG pastry, Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop-Tart, a sweet and sugary gal who was clearly raised by a “fun parent:” the kind of hyperactive, dad joke-slinging manchild who I aspire to be someday. You have Cinnamon Roll with Brown Sugar Toaster Strudels, who stays cold and aloof in his room until you warm him up and he comes alive. And you have Cinnamon + Brown Sugar Megpie, the plump child who ran away from home to become a barista and eat one too many Starbucks marble loaves during his break.

Now there’s Trader Joe’s new Brown Sugar & Cinnamon Toaster Pastry. He must’ve been raised by the family’s all organic, hippy grandma out west. Just why do I say that? Well let’s ask the quirky quadrilateral himself. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 9 rating, cinnamon, pop-tarts, trader joe's. 7 Comments

Apr. ’17

Review: Trader Joe’s Strawberry Raspberry Oatmeal

Today’s review is important.

Why? Because starting with Trader Joe’s new Strawberry Raspberry Oatmeal, this site will now be exclusively about oatmeal. Keeping with our inquisitive theme, I will soon be changing the site’s name to “Oatmeally?” After cutting the roof of my mouth one too many times on Crunch Berries, I’ve vowed to give up The Breakfast Which Shall Not Be Named and focus on something warmer, mushier, and more palate friendly. So stay tuned for more reviews, squishy glamour shots, and hot tips for making your own oatmeal bath bomb.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BSWTleMD9uw/?taken-by=cerealouslynet

Just kidding! I already had some oatmeal April Fool’s Day fun on Instagram, so I figured I’d lovingly annoy you all here, too. My apologies to anyone reading this on, well, any other day of the year. I would say “I promise I’m not always like this,” but we all know that’s a bigger lie than “fill oatmeal with 1/2 cup water for best results.”

That being said, Trader Joe’s Strawberry Raspberry sounds pretty cool for something so hot, so I’m giving it a try. It’s pretty much the opposite of TJ’s other new oatmeal: Tart Cherry, Chia and Pumpkin Seed Oatmeal. While that oatmeal gave an underrated fruit the spotlight, Strawberry Raspberry stars two of the cereal aisle’s juiciest recurring characters.

And based on my “more sour than sweet” review of Tart Cherry, let’s hope this stuff tastes totally opposite, too. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Leave a comment

Mar. ’17

News: Mocha Crunch Cereal Coming Soon from General Mills!

(Image via General Mills and Influenster)

(Update: We reviewed Mocha Crunch Cereal!)

Forget Honey Nut Cheerios: this is the kind of buzz I want on my breakfast table.

I’ve been waiting for a mainstream coffee cereal since I first precociously sipped my grandpa’s Maxwell House at age 9, and now General Mills is making that dream a reality with Mocha Crunch Cereal. Sure, Coffee Cereal exists in its own delicious niche, but ever since I ideated “CappucinOs” for a class project (and permanently answered the question, “what’s wrong with that Dan kid?”), my ideal coffee cereal has been a creamy, milky, and maybe even toffee-y bowl of sweetness.

Hot off the crumbling pastry heels of Chocolate Mocha Pop-Tarts, General Mills is ready to brew a retailiatory strike with a teal box full of cocoa coffee discs. They appear to have the same chip-less Cookie Crisp shape of Thin Mints Cereal, so I hope Mocha Crunch’s pieces have the same delightfully powdered texture, too.

And let’s hope they contain enough real caffeine to make a Girl Scout earn her “Xtreme Tree Climbing” merit badge.

There’s no official word on when we’ll be able to sip this chocolate bean-y breakfast blend (with a side of Cinnamon Toast Crunch to dip into the endmilk, of course), but our thanks go to our pal The Junk Food Aisle for breaking the fresh-brewed news. Now to find the perfect mug to eat this stuff out of.

I’ll be sure to leave room for cream.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: general mills, news. 7 Comments

Mar. ’17

Spooned & Spotted (Israel): Nestlé CRUNCH Cereal

https://www.instagram.com/p/BR_rmSjFQ8F/?taken-by=munchiebunchie

When Aaron Carter covered “I Want Candy” back in 2000, I wonder how serious he really was about craving Milky Ways, Snickers, and Three Musketeers for three meals a day. Serious enough to book an intercontinental flight just to crunch CRUNCH bars for breakfast?

If so, Mr. Carter better renew that passport, because believe it or not, a breakfast cereal based on Nestlé’s famous chocolate-coated crisp rice bar does exist—but not in America. This cereal does justice to its namesake candy bar by clustering puffed cocoa rice into clusters and flavoring it with cocoa liquor (a.k.a. cocoa mass, which sounds like the best religious ceremony ever), but it only does so in Europe and the Middle East—including Israel, where our Instagram friend Munchiebunchie got the above box.

My apologies to any non-American readers who are shaking their heads at me six time zones away who see CRUNCH Cereal as a commonplace breakfast option; here in the U.S., we’re starving for a fresh candy cereal, between the Lion Cereal we’ll never get and the Jolly Rancher Pop-Tarts we’re not sure we even want.

Maybe Krackel will throw us a bone on this one.

So if you have eaten Nestlé CRUNCH Cereal, please tell me how it is below so I can live vicariously through your taste buds. I hope it tastes as much chocolate corn-off-the-cob as it looks. And if you have a cool foreign or domestic cereal photo of your own (big thanks to Munchiebunchie!), spoon it over to cerealously.net@gmail.com for a chance to see it on the site.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: chocolate, Spooned and spotted. 3 Comments