Category Archives: Reviews

Mini “Review:” Kellogg’s Chinese New Year Corn Flakes

“Cock-a-doodle-dude! That box looks so rad!”

That was my first reaction upon seeing this new Kellogg’s Chinese New Year Corn Flakes box, a limited edition print made to celebrate the Year of the Rooster. This reaction also explains why I’m inside folding a papercraft chicken instead of going to an actual party.

Since it is the Year of the Rooster (as of January 28th), it makes sense that Kellogg’s would give Cornelius, of all mascots, a simultaneously fresh and retro new look—though I would’ve loved to see Toucan Sam’s knowing beak adorned with ornamental gold flowers. See, Cornelius has been around since 1957, so this box also celebrates his 60th birthday. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, corn flakes, holiday, kelloggs. 6 Comments

Feb. ’17

Review: Banana Bread Shreddies Cereal (From Post Canada)

Canada’s immigration website is about to crash again.

No, that wasn’t a politically motivated prediction—this blog is non-partisan, except for when it comes to the S’Mores Jungle Party. I just think that America’s northern neighbors are about to see a whole lot more hungry tourists once word gets out about Post’s new Canada-exclusive Banana Bread Shreddies Cereal.

See, the U.S. has a tragic drought of banana-flavored cereals. Sure, we have plenty of Banana Republic stores and enough bad ukulele covers of Jack Johnson’s “Banana Pancakes” to fill an audiobook, but if we want banana in our cereal, it’s oatmeal, Great Grains Banana Nut Crunch, or nothing. All the great banana breakfasts of our time, from 1981’s Banana Frosted Flakes to last year’s Minions Banana Berry Cereal, have left us for the great jungle in the sky where all bananas go when they grow brown and mushy.

And speaking of brown bananas, we’ve never had a strictly banana bread-flavored cereal. The cozy flavor of Grandma’s kitchen seems perfect for a bite-sized breakfast, which is why these Banana Bread Shreddies are sure to pique the curiosity of humans, monkeys, and Raffis everywhere.

So let’s renew our passports and peel open a box of it. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 9 rating, banana, canada, post. 8 Comments

Feb. ’17

Review: Disney Princess Cereal with Marshmallows

Is there anything more romantic than a bowlful of crunchy oat hearts?

Valentine’s Day is coming up, and I recommend that you treat your something special to a magical—and dare I say, hearty—breakfast of heart-shaped Disney Princess Cereal, heart-shaped pancakes, heart-shaped egg-in-the-basket, and a glass of orange juice with a surprise handful of Conversation Hearts at the bottom.

Okay, that last one might be a bad idea. Unless you want your significant other tearing your heart out, Kali Ma-style.

Sorry if that introduction to Kellogg’s newest marshmallowy movie cereal felt forced. It was either that or three terrible verses of “A Bowl New World.” Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, kelloggs, movie cereals, strawberry. 6 Comments

Jan. ’17

Review: Bear Naked Sweet Honey Clusters Cereal

Bears love honey, right?

That explains why Bear Naked, a granola brand, has released an inaugural breakfast cereal stuffed with flakes, oat clusters, Winnie the Pooh’s favorite sticky golden elixir of life.

But wait: this new Bear Naked Cereal line also includes Toasted Coconut Clusters and Chocolate Almond Clusters. I’m no zoologist—let alone a grizzlogist—but I don’t think animals in the Ursidae family are known for raiding palm trees or Swiss chocolatiers.

Bamboo Clusters I could understand. Alaskan Salmon Clusters? Sure. But Bear Naked’s gonna have to make a compelling case for these cereals’ accuracy to their source material.

But let’s start with the logical one, shall we? As the buzziest of the three, Sweet Honey Clusters will be the gatekeeper that determines whether I’ll buy the other two—because at roughly $3.99 a box, these bunches cost bunches. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 4 rating, bear naked, honey. 3 Comments

Jan. ’17

Review: Despicable Me Cereal with Minion Marshmallows

With my right hand raised, I, Dan G. of Cerealously, vow to complete this review of Kellogg’s new Despicable Me Cereal without voicing any of my personal opinions about Minions, the Minion phenomenon, or the fact that Minions somehow still overpopulate my Facebook feed with sassy memes in the year 2017.

There, now that the hard part’s over, I can evaluate this cereal objectively. At first glance—once you get past those moon-sized, staring eyes—Despicable Me Cereal appears to be the latest square-shaped, marshmallow-stuffed entry in Kellogg’s cinematic cereal franchise, an anthology that includes Finding Dory Cereal, Captain America Civil War Cereal, and several others with identical flavors but laughably different source materials.

But look, look closer with your special, telescopic Minion eyes, and you’ll see that Despicable Me Cereal is actually Brown Sugar Vanilla-flavored! I feel like we need to celebrate this trend-bucking mix-up of Kellogg’s repetitive movie cereal formula.

Anyone down for a Return of the Jedi-style party with Ewoks, bonfires, and the grinning blue ghosts of several force-sensitive mentors? Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 6 rating, kelloggs, marshmallows, movie cereals. 3 Comments

Jan. ’17

Review: Apple Strawberry Raisin Bran Crunch Cereal

Leave it to Raisin Bran Crunch to bring two of America’s most contentious summer pie flavors together.

Seriously: apple pie and strawberry pie’s rivalry is the warm weather equivalent of pumpkin vs. pecan, and I bet this bitter—yet so sweet—feud is the reason we don’t see apple and strawberry flavors mix very often. I don’t know what apple did to strawberry to evoke decades of estrangement, but I can only assume it involved a pie to the face. And maybe a few clowns.

But now, thanks to the unifying power of Raisin Bran’s radiant sun, we can finally experience apple and strawberry in tandem without having to sandwich together two slices of Grandma’s Independence Day desserts. Because while it may be delicious, that’s how you end up with a Fourth New Belt Notch of July. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, apple, kelloggs, raisin bran, strawberry. 17 Comments

Jan. ’17

Review: Cap’n Crunch’s Blueberry Pancake Crunch Cereal

IHOP, matey!

Whoops, that was weird. I meant to write, “Ahoy, matey!” Sorry about that. Anyway, come on and IHOP aboard my cereal review ship, and we’ll…darn, I did it again! I really must have pancakes on my mind today.

IHOPe it doesn’t happen again.

But really, how can anyone not have pancakes stuck to their brains like syrupy griddlecakes to a plate when Cap’n Crunch’s Blueberry Pancake Crunch cereal is finally here? Sold in boxes taller than Paul Bunyan’s flapjack stacks, Blueberry Pancake Crunch combines fruity aquamarine and maple-flavored creme puffs (no, not that kind of cream puffs, sorry) to re-create a fascinatingly obscure breakfast in cereal form.

Personally, I would have preferred Buckwheat Pancake Crunch, but my pancake house menu choices are decidedly more octogenarian than most.

So while all you kids turn on Matlock for me and get off my darn lawn, I’ll pour a fresh bowl of spherical Johnnycakes. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, cap'n crunch, maple, quaker. 23 Comments

Jan. ’17

Review: Frosted Chocolate Sugar Cookie Pop-Tarts (DC Comics Villains Edition)

I think I can imagine how the supervillainous plot to release Chocolate Sugar Cookie Pop-Tarts originated:

The Joker paces back-and-forth madly in the abandoned Pop-Tart factory he and Lex Luthor are using as a haphazard base of operations. With a cackle, he has a sudden idea.

“I’ve got it, Lex,” the Joker cries. “We’ll kidnap all the world’s Pop-Tarts and smush them together into otherwise nonsensical taste combinations! Just picture it: Watermelon S’Mores Pop-Tarts. Blueberry Root Beer Pop-Tarts. Cookies & Creme PB&J Pop-Tarts. We’ll flood the streets with a hasty pastry army, causing mass confusion and hysteria!”

“But why?” Lex replies.

The Joker chuckles maniacally: “Some men just want to watch the world yearn…for obscurely flavored, impulsively purchased breakfast treats!”

And thus, Chocolate Sugar Cookies Pop-Tarts were born. This flavor combo isn’t really that strange, but when’s the last time you had an actual chocolate sugar cookie? Maybe my cheeks are too stuffed with gingerbread men during December to notice, but compared to snickerdoodles or fruitcake, chocolate sugar cookies seem more like the shiny Pokémon of holiday dessert platters. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, chocolate, kelloggs, non cereal, pop-tarts. 4 Comments