Category Archives: Reviews

20

Jun. ’16

Review: Post Marshmallow Fruity Pebbles Cereal

Marshmallow Fruity Pebbles Box

Welcome back to another edition of Marshmallow Monday. This time around, Marshmallow Fruity Pebbles is our guest of honor.

Marshmallow Monday is a day to honor all of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man’s millions of children, who must soldier on as orphans in s’mores and cereal aisles alike, with only charred memories of their long exploded and molten father.

Never thought you’d shed a single tear for a bag of marshmallows, would you?

But back to these Fruity Pebbles with marshmallows. They’re exactly what they sound like, which means Post went down the sugar family tree, skipped past sprinkles and nonpareils, and found the other two sugariest cereal ingredients they could afford: technicolor crisped rice and marbits.

It’s a recipe for disaster that sounds straight out of a cheap Sci-Fi Syfy Channel disaster movie. And speaking of over-the-top disaster movie concepts: this cereal has Sharkasaurus marshmallows! Continue reading →

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17

Jun. ’16

Review: Kashi Dark Cocoa Karma Cereal

Kashi Dark Cocoa Karma Box
The main teaching of karma is “what goes around comes around.”

Then how come Kashi’s new Dark Cocoa Karma shredded wheat cereal comes as a square, and not a round loop?

Looks like you really missed a chance to tie your tasty breakfast offerings into the cyclical nature of moral interchange, Kashi.

That’s okay. I’m willing to forgive your philosophical blunder if this exciting cereal actually tastes good. I say “exciting” because Dark Cocoa Karma is essentially the second ever cereal—after Chocolate Toast Crunch—to combine chocolate and cinnamon in the same bowl.

Time to pop on a DVD of My Name is Earl and find some cinnamon chocolate zen. Continue reading →

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15

Jun. ’16

Review: Limited Edition Cap’n Crunch’s Orange Creampop Crunch Cereal

Cap'n Crunch's Orange Creampop Crunch Box

As I opened my box of Cap’n Crunch’s Orange Creampop Crunch, a frosty symphony played in my head.

Ice cream truck music, the steady drip of melting banana splits, and a chorus of kids groaning at terrible popsicle stick jokes: yes, this was the sound, the smell, and the edible heartbeat of summer itself.

I encourage you all to play this on loop as your read on.

Continue reading →

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13

Jun. ’16

Review: Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes with Marshmallows

Frosted Flakes with Marshmallows Box

Welcome to Marshmallow Monday: a series I just invented that celebrates everyone’s favorite squishy sugar spheroids.

Mandatory Marshmallow Monday activities include playing games of Chubby Bunny, choking down pretzel marshmallow Jell-O dessert leftovers that have been in the freezer since last Thanksgiving, and sacrificing a flaming s’more to the box of Lucky Charms Marshmallows Only that sits above my fireplace.

Oh, and reviewing a marshmallow cereal, of course. Today’s is none other than Kellogg’s new Frosted Flakes with Marshmallows!

As you can see, Frosted Flakes with Marshmallows contain Frosted Flakes and marshmallows. As for the flavor, Frosted Flakes with Marshmallows tastes like Frosted Flakes…just with marshmallows.

Thank you for reading my review of Frosted Flakes with Marshmallows!

 

…

 

Oh, fine: I’ll give it a closer look. Continue reading →

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09

Jun. ’16

Review: Trader Joe’s Mango O’s Cereal

Mango O's Box

I don’t know if I can trust you, Trader Joe.

For some reason, you chose not to pluck the literal low-hanging fruit and call your new mango cereal “Mang-O’s.” And I just don’t know if I can trust a man who doesn’t exploit every bad pun possible. It’s simply punacceptable.

But I’ll play along anyway, mostly because Trader Joe’s Mango O’s is one of very few mango cereals to ever exist. Outside of Peace Cereal’s Mango Peach Passion and the unfortunately discontinued Mango Coconut Honey Bunches of Oats, mango lovers have long been forced to eat something other than cereal for breakfast.

Like some kind of, I don’t know, fresh fruit or something?

But despair no more, mango maniacs, because Mango O’s are here to provide a breath of fresh air. Well, more like a breath of mango air that’s been sealed for a while in a plastic bag, but you get the idea. Continue reading →

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06

Jun. ’16

Review: General Mills Strawberry Tiny Toast and Blueberry Tiny Toast Cereals

Tiny Toast Boxes

The first toaster was invented in 1893.

The first fully functional bread slicer came in 1928.

And in 2016, General Mills released Tiny Toast cereal. Shortly after, bread historians declared a new era of toast prosperity: the Golden Brown Age.

You see, since Cinnamon Toast Crunch isn’t shaped like bread, and since French Toast isn’t made in a toaster, that makes Strawberry and Blueberry Tiny Toast the first truly toast-themed cereals ever made.

It’s hard to believe that Tiny Toast is also General Mills’ first new cereal brand in 15+ years. The only thing harder to believe is that humans had to slice bread by hand like barbarians in order to make toasty delight for 35 whole years.

But it’s true: GM’s last new brand was Harmony Cereal in 2001, a short-lived cereal marketed specifically for women. I’m glad that Tiny Toast is aimed at the much more universal audience of “bread lovers,” and as a self-professed “bread head” myself, I’m just as grateful that both flavors now sit in a bowl before me.

No more loafin’ around: let’s roll!

Continue reading →

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04

Jun. ’16

Guest Review: Kellogg’s Froot Loops Cereal

Froot Loops Box

I have a contentious relationship with change.

Change is what replaced the Saturday morning adventures of TJ Detweiler, Pepper Ann Pearson, and Doug Funny with 10-year-old infomercials for the NuWave Oven.

Change is what forced out totally believable, badass bad guys like Grand Moff Tarkin in favor of obnoxiously nasally Disney spinoff characters.

Change made McDonald’s French fries less irresistible, banished Oreo O’s to Korea (the good one), and turned fifth grade gym classes of army dodgeball into sixth grade gym classes of badminton. Bad-freaking-mittens.

I have a contentious relationship with change, especially when I’m holding up the line at the grocery store because I’m three pennies short of the $1.88 I need to buy a box of Froot Loops.

“Oh. Just take it.”

I grin at the pimply-faced high schooler behind the register at Weis. I have a strong desire to pull my resident old-man card and reminiscence on my own days working through that hell on earth we call “summer jobs,” but then again, I’ve already gotten my blast from the past for one day. Besides, no one wants to relive Kmart at $7.25 an hour. Trust me.

Modern man may have relegated the greatest cartoons of all time to fuzzy YouTube videos, but it’s good to know that Toucan Sam and Froot Loops still get a place on the endcaps of grocery store aisles. This is one cereal that I can count on, obnoxiously large beaked mascot and all.

Continue reading →

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02

Jun. ’16

Review: Limited Edition Fruity Crisp Oreo Cookies

fruity-crisp-oreos

Cereal-stuffed, Fruity Pebble Oreos, baby!

Right, right: Nabisco’s new Fruity Crisp Oreos aren’t officially licensed Fruity Pebbles cookies, nor do they even say the word “cereal” on the front. But we all know “Fun, colorful rice crisps” is just Oreo’s way of keeping Fred and Barney from filing a lawsuit.

It’s like how Kellogg’s has “Cookies & Creme” Pop-Tarts, even though everyone and their cookie-dunking grandma calls them Oreo Pop-Tarts. In the eyes of me and Granny Cerealously, these are Fruity Pebble Oreos, so I’m going to review them like they’re cereal in circular, processed cookie form. Continue reading →

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