Category Archives: Reviews

Review: Kellogg’s Raisin Bran Raisin & Honey Granola

I’m glad Raisin Bran Granola is here to keep me moving. No, not that kind of moving, though it does boast 24% of my daily recommended fiber per serving.

No, I mean moving moving. While I may look like a hip and spry youngster, as soon as I pour my morning bowl of Raisin Bran cereal and cup of coffee, I become about as old and slow as Benjamin Button was at my age.

Like a grandpa with his newspaper, I ponder every raisin like there’s a Nietszche quote written in its wrinkles.

But now that Kellogg’s has debuted two flavors of Raisin Bran Granola (this one and Cranberry Almond) in convenient on-the-go pouches, I feel obligated to leave my cereal bowl behind, go climb mountains, and gaze into abysses that will gaze also into me.

Dang it, Nietzsche: stop ruining breakfast! Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, granola, kelloggs, raisin bran. 3 Comments

May. ’16

Review: Nature’s Path Organic Sunrise Crunchy Maple Cereal

I can’t resist a maple cereal, especially one that’s made with real maple syrup like Nature’s Path Organic’s gluten free Sunrise Crunchy Maple.

How much do I love maple syrup?

Well let’s just say that I would willingly abandon my human body if it meant transplanting my brain into a robot that runs on a syrup and oil mixture. Especially if that robot were a futuristic police android that patrols the Vermont-Canada border.

Can you tell I’ve thought a lot about this?

But I’ve been burned by some maple cereals in the past. They claimed to have bold maple flavor, when really they just tasted like a maple leaf briefly photosynthesized in their general direction.

I can’t resist the allure of that sticky tree sap for long, though. I’m willing to open my syrup encrusted heart once more for you, Sunrise Crunchy Maple. Don’t let me down. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, gluten free, maple, nature's path. 10 Comments

May. ’16

Review: Coffee Cereal — Original & Café Mocha

Now this is a fun one, cereal fans. I’ve been meaning to try Coffee Cereal for a long time: long before I even knew it actually existed.

See, back in high school, I was given one of those clichéd school projects, the kind you see Urkel and the Olsen twins struggle with on ’90s sitcoms. My challenge was to think of and prototype an invention, an invention no one had thought of before.

Since I ate cereal and drank coffee every morning (and ate lunch alone, probably because of the whole coffee snobbery), I had the genius idea of inventing a coffee cereal. I was all prepared to start designing “Cappuccin-O’s” boxes and rolling Cheerios in espresso powder, but then I found out that Coffee Cereal already exists, made by a small company in Missouri.

Into the metaphorical and literal trash my idea went.

Years later, I’ve finally gotten over my bitterness (though I still drink bitter coffee), and now I’m ready to review the real thing. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, 8 rating, coffee. 3 Comments

May. ’16

Review: Kellogg’s Frosted Crush Orange Pop-Tarts

I wish Kellogg’s two new “Soda-licious” Pop-Tarts (Crush Orange and A&W Root Beer) were released in 2020.

Why?

Because that’s when the new Godzilla vs. Kong film is set to debut, and these two flavors would be the perfect movie tie-in. I can see it now: Kong’s Gorilla Sarsaparilla Pop-Tarts vs. Godzilla’s Atomic Crush Orange Pop-Tarts.

Batman vs. Superman, eat your hearts out.

That “Atomic” label is especially appropriate, because as I quickly found out when eating these toaster pastries, Kellogg’s didn’t just go orange. They went explosively radioactive orange. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, kelloggs, non cereal, pop-tarts. 3 Comments

May. ’16

Review: Kellogg’s Frosted A&W Root Beer Pop-Tarts

I’m glad I’m finally mature and intelligent enough to eat Kellogg’s new “Soda-Licious” A&W Root Beer Pop-Tarts.

Back when I was a kid, I never drank root beer without parental supervision. See, opening the fridge and seeing the word “beer” would immediately fill me with fear that I’d get clobbered for having accidentally sipped some forbidden alcoholic elixir.

Of course, I can laugh at my childhood illiteracy now, just like how I laugh at my dumb childhood self for eating the brown paper layers on Reese’s Cups. I didn’t know they were there, I swear!

Now it’s time to redeem myself by eating far too many artificially root beer-flavored, frosted and sprinkled sugar rectangles. Because everyone knows the best kind of redemption ends in a shameful food coma. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, kelloggs, non cereal, pop-tarts. Leave a comment

May. ’16

Review: Cap’n Crunch’s HomeRun Crunch

♪ We’re talkin’ cereal!

The Cap’n, Snap and Crackle.

Talkin’ cereal!

The Count and Franken Berry.

Toucan Sam, Trix Rabbit, and Buzz Bee! ♫

Sorry, readers. Cap’n Crunch’s new HomeRun Crunch just has me singing a tune because I love cereal and baseball so much. Oh, don’t get me wrong: I don’t like playing baseball. I have worse coordination skills than a mandatory elementary school choir concert.

But I do like going to baseball games, because it gives me an excuse to eat a hot dog with one hand, a cone of cinnamon almonds with the other, and a second hotdog that I have precariously balanced on the crook of my elbow.

Now thanks to the Cap’n, I can indulge in baseball-themed gluttony without being exposed to natural light, social interactions, and criminally overpriced Dippin’ Dots served from a cheap plastic baseball cap. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 9 rating, cap'n crunch, quaker. 15 Comments

May. ’16

Review: Annie’s Organic Frosted Oat Flakes Cereal

Easter may be over, but it isn’t too late to welcome a brand new hare into the mystical Brotherhood of Breakfast Bunnies.

It’s a pretty exclusive club, consisting of only the Trix Rabbit and Quicky from Nesquik Cereal. Despite his floppy ears, Count Chocula has been repeatedly denied membership.

No one knows what goes on in the BoBB, but we can only assume it involves cereal sphere chakras, milky meditation, and making fun of the Cadbury Bunny’s silly clucking. Now the Annie’s Bunny has joined their ranks, as Annie’s Homegrown has just released three new organic breakfast cereals: Cocoa Bunnies, Berry Bunnies, and Frosted Oat Flakes.

I had to try Frosted Oat Flakes first; since the other two rabbits have fruity and chocolatey cereals covered, Frosted Oat Flakes seemed like the freshest concept. If breakfast cereal were a fighting game, “Frosted Oat Flakes” would be the Annie’s Bunny’s signature finisher move. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 6 rating, annie's, general mills. 13 Comments

May. ’16

Review: Kellogg’s Limited Edition Frosted Pink Lemonade Pop-Tarts

I have seen into the future, fellow breakfast lovers. And let me tell you, the world of tomorrow is weird.

Get this: in 50 years, all solid foods will be liquids, and all liquid foods will be solids! At dinner, we’ll nibble on chewy orange juice frittata slices for an appetizer, enjoy the hearty and tender roast Coca-Cola main course, and treat ourselves to Grandma’s old fashioned skim milk pie for dessert. Oh, and we’ll wash it all down with glasses of the finest carbonated mutton.

When I asked the flavor wizards of the future how this revolution came about, their answer was unanimous: “It all started with Kellogg’s Frosted Pink Lemonade Pop-Tarts!”

That’s right: before me sits a classic beverage in toaster pastry form. Along with their soon-to-come A&W Root Beer and Orange Crush Pop-Tarts, Frosted Pink Lemonade is leading Kellogg’s “Summer of Synesthesia” series (my name, not theirs).

Let’s see if these pastries can make me feel the summer sun as I sit here drenched and cold from a leftover April shower that apparently doesn’t own a darn calendar.

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, kelloggs, lemon, pop-tarts. 1 Comment