Tag Archives: 9 rating

Review: Cap’n Crunch’s HomeRun Crunch

♪ We’re talkin’ cereal!

The Cap’n, Snap and Crackle.

Talkin’ cereal!

The Count and Franken Berry.

Toucan Sam, Trix Rabbit, and Buzz Bee! ♫

Sorry, readers. Cap’n Crunch’s new HomeRun Crunch just has me singing a tune because I love cereal and baseball so much. Oh, don’t get me wrong: I don’t like playing baseball. I have worse coordination skills than a mandatory elementary school choir concert.

But I do like going to baseball games, because it gives me an excuse to eat a hot dog with one hand, a cone of cinnamon almonds with the other, and a second hotdog that I have precariously balanced on the crook of my elbow.

Now thanks to the Cap’n, I can indulge in baseball-themed gluttony without being exposed to natural light, social interactions, and criminally overpriced Dippin’ Dots served from a cheap plastic baseball cap. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 9 rating, cap'n crunch, quaker. 15 Comments

Apr. ’16

Review: Cocoa Puffs (Now With 50% More Real Cocoa)

That’s a bold claim, Cocoa Puffs.

I mean, you could’ve just said “now with more chocolatey taste!” or called the cereal “SUPER Cocoa Puffs,” but you chose to drop some hard stats on us. Exactly 50% more cocoa, eh? Alright, if you say so: I better go 50% more cuckoo for these.

And trust me, I have a pretty refined Cocoa Puffs palate. Cocoa Puffs is one of the first cereals I can remember eating as a young’n. Back in my early grade school days, I ate a bowl every single morning until I got sick of ’em. One day, in fact, I tried a bowl of Cocoa Puffs with chocolate milk instead of regular milk and got quite literally sick, diagnosed with a condition that doctors could classify only as “Chocolardiac Arrest.”

But what didn’t kill me only made me stronger, and now my taste buds are braced and ready to be blown away by a choco-bombshell. Are you ready, Cocoa Puffs?

En garde!

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 9 rating, cocoa puffs, general mills. 19 Comments

Apr. ’16

Review: Kellogg’s Pop-Tarts Gone Nutty! Frosted PB&J Strawberry

I’m glad you’re here! Hurry: put on my latest invention, the NostalgiGoggles 3000. We’ve got an important journey to take—a journey to your elementary school cafeteria!

*cue Sci-Fi whooshing noises, rainbow-colored swirling portals, Cacodemons, and other time travel imagery that doesn’t go over so well in text*

Phew, we made it. It’s the year [INSERT YOUR 3RD GRADE YEAR HERE] and the lunch bell has just gone off. Geography pop quizzes can’t get our spirits down when we have processed snacks and juice boxes on the way!

Our best friends all get in the hot lunch line with their crumpled dollar bills and milk money. We’re a little jealous, because today is Bosco Breadstick Day, but we’re still happy as we plunk down at our faux-wood paneled table, because Mom’s cryptic smile this morning told us she was packing something good.

Spilling our brown paper bags onto the table (which still smells strongly of the Lunch Lady’s Clorox wipes) the sight of PB&J Pop-Tarts makes our mouth water.

Who needs ooey-gooey cheese sticks when you can have ooey-gooey, oh-so-nutty pastries? Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 9 rating, kelloggs, non cereal, pop-tarts. 7 Comments

Mar. ’16

Review: Kellogg’s Frosted Mini-Wheats Chocolate Little Bites

Chocolate Little Bites are the greatest Frosted Mini-Wheats flavor ever made.

Oh, I’m sorry. Did I spoil the verdict of this review by saying that? Oops. I guess I was just distracted by the fact that these are the greatest Frosted Mini-Wheats ever made.

I typically review new cereals on this blog, but I always make exceptions for exceptional “classic” cereals. And the greatest Frosted Mini-Wheats ever made certainly qualify as exceptional.

These chocolatey cuboids are part of Frosted Mini-Wheats’ Little Bites line, which adorably miniaturize the brand’s normal sized Mini-Wheats. But “normal” Mini-Wheats are already a smaller version of Kellogg’s original, much larger Mini-Wheats, which debuted in 1972.

Confused yet? I know I am. Now I’m just wondering whether Kellogg’s plans to release a line of Frosted Micro-Wheats that we’ll need a magnifying glass and tweezers to eat. Or maybe they’ll just pull a switcheroo and release Monster-Wheats, which require us to consult a real estate agent before every spoonful.

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 9 rating, chocolate, kelloggs, mini-wheats. 8 Comments

Mar. ’16

Review: Kroger Peanut Butter Chip Mates Cereal

Seriously guys, we have to talk about Peanut Butter Chip Mates.

Generic brand cereals are often seen as the crunchy butts of every breakfast table joke (I just wanted to type the phrase “crunchy butts”). Even though they are the breakfast of champions on a budget, these obvious rip-offs have goofy names like “Honey-Nut Scooters” and “Crispy Hexagons,” as well as sub-par flavors that melt away faster than a muffin in a rainstorm.

And yes, I’ve seen a muffin in a rainstorm before. It ain’t pretty.

But not Peanut Butter Chip Mates. No, Peanut Butter Chip Mates doesn’t need your pity, nor will it ask for it.

Peanut Butter Chip Mates is here to slap those preconceived notions about store brand cereals right out of you.

Peanut Butter Chip Mates is here to slap you so full of doughy peanut butter cookie flavor that you’ll be on your knees in front of a box of Marshmallow Mateys, begging for forgiveness. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 9 rating, generic cereal, kroger, peanut butter. 4 Comments

Feb. ’16

Review: Peace Cereal Maple Pecan Clusters & Flakes

Maplemania: a disease that has afflicted many, myself included. It’s native to Canada and and regions of Vermont, and symptoms of this affliction include relentless addiction to syrup-drenched pancakes, habitual licking of maple trees, and compulsive urges to bathe in tubs full of milk-soaked Waffle Crisp.

Recommended treatment is a continual IV drip of Grade A Dark Amber. Or, you know, maybe just a bowl of Peace Cereal’s Maple Pecan Clusters & Flakes cereal. The cereal claims to be flavored with real maple syrup, but will it properly sedate a maplemaniac like me?

For Mrs. Butterworth’s sake, we’d better hope so.

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 9 rating, attune foods, maple, peace cereal. 2 Comments

Jan. ’16

Review: Kellogg’s ToGo Breakfast Mix: Cinnamon Roasted Candied Pecan and Salted Caramel & Praline Almond

Unlike the product it’s reviewing, this review of Kellogg’s new ToGo Breakfast Mixes should not be enjoyed while driving.

This review will not fit in your cupholder.

And licking this review will not produce a savory cinnamon pecan flavor.

So how are they similar? Well, both the breakfast mixes and this review probably shouldn’t be submerged in milk. That’s right: according to the packages themselves, Kellogg’s latest attempt to capture those “on the move” consumers—who have been slowing cereal sales—is meant to be enjoyed as dry finger food, preferably while stuck in rush hour traffic or while leaning away from the smelly guy on the bus.

Heck, you could even scarf ’em down in the brief interval between paying at the 1st window and picking up your McNuggets from the 2nd window at a McDonald’s drive through.

So these resealable, single serving pouches are obviously convenient, but are they tasty? I double-fisted both flavors while flying down the Interstate in order to find out (okay, not really). Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, 9 rating, kelloggs. 3 Comments

Jan. ’16

Review: ThinkThin Honey Peanut Butter Oatmeal

Being on a soft food diet sucks.

But being a cereal review blogger on a soft food diet sucks harder than Starkiller Base on the energy of a sun.

While I was able to stockpile several cereal reviews before undergoing this wretched tooth surgery, at the moment my palate has been forced to gum down meal after meal of oatmeal. Don’t get me wrong, I love oatmeal, but after packet #6 it starts to feel like a beige, mushy nightmare.

However, I figured it was only fair to toss out a review of one of the oatmeal varieties I’ve tried for the first time. It’s ThinkThin Honey Peanut Butter Oatmeal. I don’t know how new it is, but I don’t actually care enough to wade through the silly string of Google searches necessary to find out.

I’d also like to add that one of my New Year’s Resolutions was to start writing some shorter reviews, so those that don’t want to wade through labyrinthian walls of parentheses and references to decades-old fruit snacks will still enjoy this site. My other New Year’s Resolution was to line up an entire package of Keebler E.L. Fudge Cookies and topple them like dominoes, but that’s beside the point.

On to the review! Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 9 rating, non cereal, oatmeal, peanut butter. 1 Comment