I’m 3 packets deep into my box of Trader Joe’s Pecan Pumpkin Oatmeal, yet I can’t stop thinking about Kraft Macaroni & Cheese.
Maybe I’m crazy, or maybe this is actually some grand, Illuminati-level conspiracy between Trader Joe and Cheesasaurus Rex, but every bite of TJ’s soft, sopping, and starchy Pecan Pumpkin Oatmeal tastes like mashed-up mac noodles bathed in an autumnal, earthy pumpkin sauce.
Yep, I’m definitely crazy. But before you lock me up in the nuthouse, my pinwheeling legs kicking and my oatmeal-specked mouth screaming “But it ain’t easy being cheesy! It ain’t, I tell you!” as the bars clang shut, let me rewind this whole pumpkin oatmeal snafu. Because despite my nutty introduction, there’s a lot to love about this nutty breakfast. Continue reading →
“They’re called cereal bars, okay? It says it right on the box! I promise, I am not a monster!” I shout to the non-existent critics who haunt my nightmares and claim that my breakfast cereal blog has strayed too far from its flaky roots.
I’m not going to feel bad about reviewing Trader Joe’s conversationally named “this pumpkin walks into a bar…” pumpkin breakfast bars, because A) It’s the witching season so there are no rules and B) I already reviewed these bars’ little brother, Pumpkin Spice Nutri-Grain bars, so I want to compare the pair.
Note: I call Pumpkin Spice Nutri-Grain the little brother not just because TJ’s bars have existed longer, but also because of each bar’s respective aesthetic. Trader Joe’s pumpkin bars seem like the hippy college student who dropped out to join the Peace Corps, while Nutri-Grain bars feel like the 1st grader who’s still making fuzzy spiders out of pipe cleaner pieces.
While you digest that mental image, I’ll start digesting this “this pumpkin walks into a bar…” bar. Continue reading →
For some reason, you chose not to pluck the literal low-hanging fruit and call your new mango cereal “Mang-O’s.” And I just don’t know if I can trust a man who doesn’t exploit every bad pun possible. It’s simply punacceptable.
But I’ll play along anyway, mostly because Trader Joe’s Mango O’s is one of very few mango cereals to ever exist. Outside of Peace Cereal’s Mango Peach Passion and the unfortunately discontinued Mango Coconut Honey Bunches of Oats, mango lovers have long been forced to eat something other than cereal for breakfast.
Like some kind of, I don’t know, fresh fruit or something?
But despair no more, mango maniacs, because Mango O’s are here to provide a breath of fresh air. Well, more like a breath of mango air that’s been sealed for a while in a plastic bag, but you get the idea. Continue reading →
In the midst of this naming madness, we get TJ’s take on Pop-Tarts: “Organic Frosted Toaster Pastries.” Not content with just naming them extravagantly, Trader Joe’s also likes to extravagantify (shut up, spellcheck) their flavors from time to time.
That’s why I’m sitting here munching a Cherry Pomegranate Frosted Toaster Pastry. Sure, Kellogg’s may be happy to go hog-wild with Maple Bacon, but I can’t imagine them touching pomegranates with a 10-foot spoon. This flavor isn’t particularly new, but since I was impressed by the last TJ’s pastry I tried, I figured it was worth highlighting another.
That’s right, fellow cerealists, the greatest day of the year has come once more! March 7th is National Cereal Day, and it’s better than 25 Christmases stuffed into a Thanksgiving turkey that’s been strapped to a 4th of July firework and launched into a jack-o-lantern carved to look like the Easter bunny.
Today, cereal munchers everywhere are paying loving tribute to the fun, delicious, and ever-nostalgic breakfast classic that faithfully serves us 365 days a year (or 366, on years like this one).
Since Cerealously was only born in July of 2015, this is our first National Cereal Day as a blog. Despite this, I want to do a brief throwback to National Cereal Day 2015, when General Mills sent a few lucky cereal fans this rockin’ jigsaw puzzle that is way too cool not to share with the Internet.
I will say, though, that even though this jigsaw puzzle is cool, it was difficult enough to put together that Jigsaw from Saw must have been the one who designed it. If you can imagine a slightly sweaty grown man hunched over and swearing while trying to fit a Lucky Charms horseshoe piece into a Cheerio-shaped hole, you wouldn’t be far from the truth.
In reality, I was much sweatier.
This year, General Mills teamed up with the Food Network’s Justin Warner to develop a bunch of exclusive cereal recipes. I’d love to make one, like the above Trix Sunrise Chill Pie, but we all know that my “baking session” would end 10 minutes later with me passed out on the kitchen floor, face down in a puddle of milk with a half-eaten box of Trix spilled around me like fruity crime scene giblets. You can check out this and other recipes here.
Meanwhile, no National Cereal Day would be complete without a contribution from Gabe Fonseca, a friend of Cerealously and a binge watchable cereal YouTuber. Gabe made this awesome tribute video for his channel, which features a whole bunch of cool people sharing their favorite cereals. Look closely, and you might even catch yours truly in the video.
Just don’t blame me if my face makes you go blind.
But Gabe isn’t the only one who’s ever asked me what my favorite cereal is. In fact, I get asked it so often, that I wanted to properly celebrate National Cereal Day here on Cerealously by counting down not 1, not 5, and not even 8.125 of my favorite cereals. No, it’s time to rank my Top 10 Cereals of All Time!* Continue reading →
I’m still trying to treat my tongue gingerly after the unexpected burn from the ginger land mines it had the misfortune to provoke while eating Trader Joe’s Cranberry Gingerbread Granola earlier this week. But now the mysterious, faceless Trader Joe is serving up a steamy bowl of oats that contains not just single ginger or double ginger, but triple ginger!
That’s like, “you must be over 18 in order to eat this” levels of ginger. (Side note: I wouldn’t recommend searching for “triple ginger” with Google SafeSearch off. Things will get steamy for a whole different reason).
Regardless, it’s time to expose my tongue to all 3 degrees of ginger, even if that means exposing it to 3rd degree burns, too.
I love gingerbread. I’m saying it now. I’m saying it in short, staccato sentences. I love gingerbread men. I love gingerbread houses. I love the character of Gingy in the Shrek films. I insist people call me “Gingerbread Dan” around Christmastime. I’d give up an arm and a leg of my own if it meant getting the chance to bite the arms and legs off of a discontinued Kemps Gingerbread Man ice cream sandwich again.
I love their earthy color. I love the blend of spices. I love the molasses. But most of all, I love the sadistic joy of tearing a soft, pliable sugar man limb from tasty limb all in the name of holiday spirit. Please mention that last sentence in my eulogy.
To any cereal company reading this, I have only 3 words:
Gingerbread. Cereal. PLEASE.
I’ve campaigned for gingerbread flavored cereals before to no avail. So that’s why when I heard about Trader Joe’s new Cranberry Gingerbread Granola, my heart started pumping faster than the Gingerbread Man’s when he’s running away from those who chase him. But will this mix of “whole grain oats with dried cranberries, ginger, and wintry spices” be a winter win? Continue reading →
Raisin bran isn’t just a cereal. It’s a lifestyle. A lifestyle I have to defend.
From friends, to family, to Jerry Seinfeld, many people make fun of raisin bran as a boring, healthy cereal. The kind of cereal where fun goes to die. The kind of cereal only fit for cracking lazy jokes about “regularity.”
But I defend raisin bran. Because while these spiteful rai-sinners poke fun at raisin bran cereals’ supposed blandness, there’s actually a wealth of diversity and innovation within the many different kinds of raisin bran available to ravenous bran-imals like me.
And today it’s time to talk about one of the best: Trader Joe’s Organic Raisin Bran Clusters.
