If you, like me, set a New Year’s Resolution to get fit, but have been set back by leftover pie, half-empty frosting cans, new cereals, and every other sweet treat whose scent lifts me off the ground like a euphoric Looney Tunes character, then I have a solution for you.
Just buy this cereal and tell people you’ve been getting Shredded at the gym every day.
But don’t tell them that you really mean you’ve been eating Peanut Butter Chocolate Blasted Shreds straight from the box in the little nook by the broken cardio machines, snarling at any post-jazzercise grandma unfortunate enough to cross your crumb-strewn path.
Not-so-secret gluttony aside, I’m stoked to review the first of General Mills’ two new Blasted Shreds cereals (the other being Cinnamon Toast Crunch). I’ve heard many good things about Peanut Butter Chocolate, with some ranking it as a last-minute dark horse in their Best Cereals of 2017 list, and others just in awe that the whole bicep-curl-friendly box weighs over a pound.
So whether you’re bench pressing the box or just doing some spoon-to-mouth deadlifts, let’s all get absolutely Shredded together.
Never thought I’d use this term without a court-ordered cease-and-desist, but wow, these Shreds are a real mouth playground.
Seriously: the texture of this cereal is worth the cost of admission alone. While Kellogg’s Frosted Mini-Wheats are fat but airily thatched, Shreds are slim and super dense, with their wheaty infrastructure weaving a tight, crispy cobweb. Interestingly, the squares also melt in your mouth more than they do aggressively crunch.
Coupled with the thick pillowy flavor powder, this makes each square a taste bud-caressing novelty. An esophageal fidget spinner, if you will.
On second thought, please don’t.
The flavor of Peanut Butter Chocolate Blasted Shreds is also a whirlwind of emotion. Or more like a desert sandstorm. It’s super dry—the powder dried out my mouth like Mr. Peanut doing the cinnamon challenge. But it’s also aggressively nutty and slightly salted—just not terribly buttery. If Reese’s Puffs run the PB cereal game like a well-peanut oiled machine, PB&C Blasted Shreds stay true to their namesake legume and its dry, golden roasted savory–sweetness.
I don’t have much to say about the chocolate taste, because there isn’t a lot of it. There are undertones of semisweet cocoa powder that persist through the aftertaste, but this is PB’s world, and chocolate’s just beanin’ in it.
Milk and Peanut Butter Chocolate Blasted Shredded have a complicated relationship even Zuckerberg couldn’t classify. On one hand, milk washes away the dry-roasted nuances that make this a finger-food-friendly cereal. But at the same time, it eliminates the dry mouth problem and it leaves behind a chocolatey endmilk that is, to quote a famous cartoon principal and ham steamer: “Delightfully devilish.”
Peanut Butter Chocolate Blasted Shreds has its fair share of minor problems—in addition to those listed, it gets soggy super quickly, and the unadulterated shredded wheat base can often be intrusively bland, a shortcoming that keeps it from topping Chocolate Mini-Wheats Little Bites as my favorite shredded wheat cereal. But ultimately, its unique take on peanut butter flavor (and textural innovation in general) is well worth a try, especially if the hyper-sweet butteriness of other PB cereals drives you nutty.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be hitting the scale.
By which I mean actually using it as a punching bag so I don’t have to see the effects of an all-Shred diet.
The Bowl: Peanut Butter Chocolate Blasted Shreds Cereal
The Breakdown: Needs more chocolate, butter, and moisture for my now-Saharan trachea, but this authentically peanut-blasted cereal is still charming enough to rival Xplosive Pizza Goldfish for the Flavor-Blasted title belt.
The Bottom Line: 7.5 steamed hams out of 10