Christmas is less than a week behind us. Even though snow is still falling, tacky wreaths are still hanging, and leftover stuffing is still being refrigerated, Kellogg’s just released what might be their summeriest Pop-Tart yet (wait, “summeriest” is really a word? Saying it out loud makes me feel like a kindergartener who got vocabulary lessons from a slurring, drunken pirate).
They’re Frosted Watermelon Pop-Tarts, and even though this flavor existed way back in the ancient 1990s (doesn’t that picture look like something out of a bootleg Zoombinis game?), the nearly two decades between its appearances has nevertheless made this flavor pop up in the headlines of clickbait articles everywhere: “4 INSANE New Pop-Tart Flavors You’d be CLINICALLY INSANE to Try!”
But is it true? Will this flavor have me starring in One Chewed Over the Cuckoo’s Nest? Or will it be no zanier than Wild Grape Pop-Tarts? It’s time to stuff my toaster, stuff my face, and tell you all about this stuff.
Unwrapping my foil-covered fruity dough rectangle (can’t believe Kellogg’s decided to call them Pop-Tarts instead of “fruity dough rectangles”), there’s an actual, genuine watermelon aroma wafting out at me. I’m reminded of picnics and 4th of July barbecues even as the freezing rain falls above my head.
But my optimism was not destined to last. The soft, golden crust of these neon pink and green Frosted Watermelon Pop-Tarts doesn’t have the buttery golden flavor I was hoping for. Instead, there’s a vaguely medicinal and floral fruit taste diluted by an intense sugar sweetness.
The middle isn’t much better. The gel-like pink stuffing sandwiched inside has the exact same artificial watermelon flavor of a pink Jolly Rancher, but without any of the fun, tongue-puckering notes. Instead, the grainy goo texture and cloying frosting combine to make a dizzyingly sweet pastry with a blindingly fake flavor. It brings to mind that nasty candied, flavored toothpaste that that they sell to encourage young kids to brush more.
And it lingers! Like an accidentally swallowed watermelon scratch ‘n’ sniff sticker, my mouth reeked of chemically fruit syrup for far longer than I would have liked.
And it did! By giving that pale dough some healthy color through the miracle of toaster science, the formerly bland crust now had a rich browned flavor which well balanced the still overly sweet but now jelly-like insides.
The overall sensation is like a warm and toasty fruit pie; it almost makes me think Kellogg’s swiped the idea for a Watermelon Fruit Pie from Hostess (they must have kidnapped Fruit Pie the Magician, too!).
As regular Cerealously readers know, my favorite way to eat Pop-Tarts is to freeze ’em first. And while freezing these Watermelon Pop-Tarts isn’t as good as toasting them, it’s still fairly pleasant. Like one of those homemade watermelon yogurt popsicles that your healthy aunt is always making from a Pinterest recipe (bonus points if she actually pronounces it “Pint-err-ist”), they have a denser, creamier chew that would make for a passable summer treat…if you’re willing to squirrel these away for 6 months, that is.
But at the end of the day, unless you’re a real watermel-oholic or a diehard Hostess Fruit Pie fanatic (I’m serious: bring back Fruit Pie the Magician!), these Pop-Tarts are probably best left for the buzzards and the Buzzfeeds to pick at.
Now bring on the Hot Dog Pop-Tarts! 4th of July isn’t that far away!
The “Bowl:” Frosted Watermelon Pop-Tarts
The Breakdown: If you don’t have a case of melon mania, these will likely leave you melon-cholic. But if you do take the plunge, absolutely toast them to make your Pop-Tarts experience toasty and Hostess-esque.
The Bottom Line: 5 Pop-Tart Jack Nicholson movies out of 10
(Our friends over at Junk Banter have a review, too! Click here to read what they thought!)