So Cap’n Crunch and I are pretty tight.
I mean, we follow each other and regularly converse on Twitter, he’s sent me t-shirts and letters, and heck, I even quoted him in my senior yearbook.
I really, really wish I was kidding about that last one.
Since we’re total cereal bros (still not sure how the Cap’n hasn’t implemented “sea-real” puns yet), hearing the news of Taco Bell’s new Cap’n Crunch Delights made me more excited than Smedley the Elephant.
Taco Bell describes the Delights as “warm, light pastries, coated with fruity Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries™ cereal and filled with creamy, sweet milk icing.”
Whoa, somebody grab me a towel, because I got a little sweaty just reading that. The promo photos depict the luminescent orbs as containing a spectral cream that is whiter than the exploded goo of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, so I’m interested to see how the real things live up.
After leaving Taco Bell and cradling my packet of warm, doughy doubloons, I emptied them into my hands.
Holy Crunchatized detritus, Batman! Like reaching glue-covered hands into a bottle of glitter, just touching the overly oily spheres left countless rainbow-hued crumbs all over my hungry paws. The Delights were soft and squishy and smelled of golden browned sugar.
Sinking my teeth in, the immediate taste was oily: so oily that you’d think the good Cap’n took a wrong turn out of the Sea of Milk and accidentally steered the S.S. Guppy into a Russian oil depository. Hey, maybe that’s where he disappeared to back in 1985!
But it isn’t necessarily oily in a bad way. Just a sinfully excessive way. The buttery oil taste allows for the Crunch Berry bits to adhere to the Delights; unfortunately, though, the cereal pieces don’t impart enough of the sweet, tropical fruit flavor (which I’ve always thought had notes of candied cherry and blueberry) recognizable from Crunch Berries cereal to overcome the fried stickiness. Thankfully, there is a fun crackling crunch to be felt, which contrasts the dense dough.
Speaking of the dough, its spongy exterior gives way to fluffier innards. However, it all tastes of butter and oil, rather than the cake-y or yeasty undertones of most doughnuts.
The disappointment comes with the lack of filling. Maybe I just got a couple of duds, but the holy ectoplasm I was expecting turned out to be a semi-translucent ooze that barely filled half of the hollow center. It wasn’t too viscous and tasted strongly of powdered sugar and milk: imagine heavily diluted cake frosting. It imparts fleeting tastes of vanilla on the Delight, but mostly it just amps up the overall sweetness and moistness.
Altogether, the experience was like a doughnut hole on steroids. Or maybe just a doughnut hole that needs acne products: the oil factor here was heavy, and may deter any with weak stomachs. That’s why I, as a doughnut connoisseur, enjoyed the bites in small doses, but also wished the deep fryer had been turned down from “Maximum Overdrive.”
Similarly, those looking for a novel cereal experience may find their tear ducts getting soggy, as the crushed Crunch crumbs (say that 5 times fast) are more of a sugary, corny, and mildly fruity garnish, rather than the stars of the show.
But if you’re a fan of greasy, filled doughnuts, love fried county fair food (these Delights would fit right in next to some Deep Fried Pepsi), or if you want a more nostalgic, colorful, and milky alternative to Taco Bell’s Cinnabon Delights, it’s worth setting sail with the Cap’n.
Just don’t blame me when you’re still finding pesky Crunch Berry crumbs in your pockets, the cracks of your phone, and your belly button a week later.
The “Bowl:” Taco Bell Cap’n Crunch Delights
The Breakdown: Super, super, super rich and oily, to the point that many will be turned off by its cloying taste, modest cereal flavor, and sparse filling. Only steely stomachs and fried food fiends need apply.
The Bottom Line: 4 melted marshmallow men out of 10