Author Archives: dan g.

Review: Burger King Lucky Charms Shake

Which Lucky Charms marshmallow is your favorite? Is it the mashed-up blue chunk? The pureéd orange bit? Ooh, or is it the pulverized pink smithereen? I love that one.

Well no matter which iconic Lucky Charms marbit you fancy, you’ll totally be able to recognize it in Burger King’s brand new Lucky Charms Shake. This cereal milkshake is an iridescent cylinder of rainbow-specked vanilla soft serve that’s blended with real Lucky Charms shrapnel and a secretive marshmallowy cereal syrup so rich with Lucky Charms flavor that whichever cow the ice cream came from is now shouting “It’s moo-gically delicious!” via an unseen telepathic stimulus.

Or at least, that’s my poetic interpretation of how Burger King describes its Lucky Charms Shake. It’ll take a serious taste test to see if the shake lives up to its namesake cereal’s legacy, and as someone who sucks at just about everything, I feel qualified to suck this breakfast–dessert hybrid down in the name of journalism. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, general mills, lucky charms, marshmallow, non cereal. 1 Comment

Jun. ’17

Review: Cascadian Farm Organic Vanilla Chia Crunch Cereal

Apparently Cascadian Farm is a real farm, but I refuse to learn anything about it. Instead, I want to preserve my fantastical mental image of Cascadian Farm as a quaint rural community where busier General Mills cereals like Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Golden Grahams go to escape the city’s sugar-addled hustle and bustle, settle down, and become tamer versions of themselves, with no-nonsense names like Cinnamon Crunch and Graham Crunch.

Yes, the Cascadian Farm of my imagination is pretty much a breakfast parody of Harvest Moon, and I’d like to keep it that way.

Now the newest citizen in Cascadian Farm’s Wholesome Good-Time Barnyard Bayou (my mental name, not theirs) isn’t a direct derivation of another General Mills product. But it does remind me of Kashi’s recent Plant Power Vanilla Pepita Clusters, which is why I took note and lovingly planted Vanilla Chia Crunch into my grocery store cart like a transplanted chia plant. I just wrote the word plant in that sentence more times than I have cumulatively since 2008.

Kashi’s take on vanilla ‘n’ seeds tasted like cupcake-frosted popcorn. Let’s see if the Animal Crossing of cereal brands can be just as memorable. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 3 rating, cascadian farm, general mills, vanilla. 5 Comments

Jun. ’17

Review: Oreo O’s Cereal (2017)

Oreo O’s are back in America. This is true.

So naturally, this review is going to be unnecessarily long and rambling—but spoiler alert: not in a good way. Before we get to that, though, I figure a crash course in Oreo O’s 1O1 is appropriate. I’ve already exhaustively covered the cereal’s history in last year’s review of imported Oreo O’s, so head there for all the textbook-worthy details, but here’s an IMDB-worthy synopsis:

In 1997, Oreo O’s blessed us with its authentic Oreo cookie flavor in creme-sprinkled chocolate cereal ring form. Then in 2007, when the world needed it most, Oreo O’s (which had marshmallows by this point) vanished…everywhere but South Korea, where you could buy it until 2014 and then again in 2016. It’s finally back in America, 10 years after hibernating, and you probably heard about it 10 times from BuzzFeed in the past 2 hours alone.

And while I can’t prove that I am the world’s biggest Oreo O’s fan, that hasn’t stopped me from calling Guinness about it. So since this is my favorite cereal, and since I’ve spent enough on the South Korean stuff to rent an Aruban timeshare, you’d think I’d be beyond geeked to see Oreo O’s back in their home turf. But I’m not geeked. Nor am I freaked, piqued, or as the kids probably no longer say, “on-fleeked.”

Why not? Because like a Scooby-Doo villain, these Oreo O’s are not what they seem. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Uncategorized. Tags: 8 rating, chocolate, oreo o's, post. 12 Comments

Jun. ’17

Review: Honey Maid S’mores Cereal

Okay, I love all things s’more, and I support the junk food craze of s’morifying just about everything. But if society’s going to continue its wonderful quest to inject graham-chocolate-marshmallow flavor into every cake, cookie, and cake-stuffed cookie crumble Frappuccino, we have to amke one thing clear: are we supposed to capitalize the “M” or not?

For so long, I treated the term “S’More” as an inflexible proper noun. Like any number of deities, to misprint its name as “s’more” was blasphemy worthy of campfires and brimstone. But now we do it all the time, as evidenced by Post’s new Honey Maid S’mores Cereal. Are we just supposed to accept this normalization of “s’more?” Is an artificially flavored s’more not subject to the same capitalized deification of the one true, fire-toasted S’More? Should I just stuff my mouth with this cereal so you don’t have to hear me babble about s’more theology?

I know at least one of those answers is a yes. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 5 rating, post, s'mores. 16 Comments

Jun. ’17

Spooned & Spotted: Burger King Lucky Charms Shake

In the war of cereals, The Burger King turns a blind eye.

The Burger King does not take sides.

The Burger King’s only sworn loyalty is to deliciousness.

See, after the meaty monarch released a delightful Froot Loops Shake just 2 months ago, I would have expected him to launch a whole line of Kellogg’s milkshakes and desserts, from fried Apple Jacks Pies to Frosted Mini-Whoppers. But no, the flame-grilled sovereign who blessed us with Mac & Cheetos has now welcomed General Mills into his fold of creamy, soft-serve folds.

The Lucky Charms Shake, spotted, bravely taste tested, and kindly submitted by reader John R., combines the King’s standard creamy ice cream and whipped cream topping with marshmallowy cereal syrup and a dusting of Lucky Charms. I don’t know what “marshmallowy cereal syrup” is, but I can only assume it was pumped straight from the Fountain of Youth.

I’ll toast my first Lucky Charms Shake to you, Ponce de León.

Here's a Lucky Charms shake @cerealouslynet I saw how they made it. It's gross. It has an odd smokey flavor to simulate oats? pic.twitter.com/Fd3hW3uIa5

— JohnRiggs (@johnblueriggs) June 16, 2017

Despite how good this Shake sounds, John’s initial review is far from charmed. I know I’ll have to try it for myself to be sure, but I’ll be sure to have a box of Lucky Charms on hand in case I need emergency marshmallow reinforcements.

https://twitter.com/cerealouslynet/status/875138985655492614

Good thing this happened 😏.

Thanks again to John R. for the photos. If you have some cool cereal news of your own to share, send it over to our Submissions page. I’ll have plenty of time to answer it while waiting in my Burger King parking lot tent.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: general mills, lucky charms, spooned & spotted. Leave a comment

Jun. ’17

Review: Canadian Maple Cheerios Cereal

“Put maple in everything. Do it.”

Picture me saying that in my best Sheev Palpatine voice, because I really am serious about syrup. Maple is tied with gingerbread and second only to PB&J on my list of favorite sweet flavors, so while the news about General Mills’s new Maple Cheerios, released in Canada to celebrate the country’s 150th birthday, excited me, the syrup-sucking greedy child in me wanted more.

Maple Cookie Crisp. Waffles & Syrup Oreo O’s. Pancake-flavored Waffle Crisp—I don’t care how redundant that sounds, just prop my mouth open with a french toast stick and keep piling it in.

But I’m getting ahead of myself—and sweating what I believe to be a mix of perspiration and whipped butter just thinking about it. I should enjoy Maple Cheerios while I can, because you know what they say: you only turn 150 once! Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 4 rating, canada, cheerios, general mills, maple. 5 Comments

Jun. ’17

Review: Canadian Birthday Cake Froot Loops

Oh, hey there Canada. No, no, I totally didn’t forget your 150th birthday. See, I made you this cake!

What’s that? There’s a price tag on the container? Okay, you got me, I just bought a plain grocery store cake and frosted the words “HAPPY BIRTHDAY CANADA” on it myself.

Hmm? You say the cake says “HAVE A BROADWAY CAN OF DUFF”? Dang it, I can’t trust those old ladies at the bakery to hear anything right.

Well at least I didn’t do what Kellogg’s did. They just cobbled together a hodge-podge of Canada-colored flavors into a new Limited Edition Froot Loops flavor and called it “Birthday Cake.” What do I mean by that? Well allow me to tell you more, Canada—all 35.85 million of you. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, canada, froot loops, kelloggs. 5 Comments

Jun. ’17

Spooned & Spotted: Post Mixed Berry, Cinnamon Roll, & S’Mores Bites Shredded Wheat

Frosted Mini-Wheats, prepare to Frosted Mini-Meet your maker.

Post Shredded Wheat has been around for a while, but until now, Shredded Wheat hasn’t exactly been the more exciting brand of thatched wheat biscuits. Somehow, kids prefer Frosted Mini-Wheats’ caked-on frosting and oceans of saccharine detritus in their cereal boxes over sugar-free bran and glisteningly sticky roasted nut flavor.

But now all that is about to change. In the wake of what is perhaps Frosted Mini-Wheats’ greatest cereal sin, changing their classy biscuit mascot to some sort of SpongeBobian abomination, Post has debuted three new bite-sized Shredded Wheat varieties. Mixed Berry, Cinnamon Roll, and S’Mores Bites are already excitingly unique flavors on their own, but each new biscuity breed is also filled with flavored chips to (hopefully) make their dry wheat exteriors explode with bursts of berry, vanilla, and chocolate flavor, respectively.

Not since Hidden Treasures Cereal have I been so geeked to get backhanded in the taste buds.

Shoutout to reader Austin K. for sending me this photo from Walmart. I look forward to collecting all three boxes like they’re semisweet-stuffed Pokémon cards, mixing all three into a single bowl, and playing a dangerous game of berry bushel/bakery/bonfire roulette.

If you’ve got a cereal photo of your own to share, snap, crackle, and pop right on over to our submissions page!

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: cinnamon, post, s'mores, shredded wheat. 4 Comments