Category Archives: Reviews

Review: Kellogg’s Frosted Maple Bacon Pop-Tarts

You might be wondering why it has taken me so long to post a review of these new Maple Bacon Pop-Tarts. As someone who collects Pop-Tarts like they’re sugary pastry trading cards (picture me sliding a Frosted Strawberry into a Yu-Gi-Oh duel disk), I agree that I should have had this review up eons ago.

But I’ve been staring at this box of Pop-Tarts for a solid month now, because I just can’t decide whether I like them.

“Oh, these are terrible!” I’ll mumble to myself, as I slide another Tart in my mouth, chasing it with a glass of milk to form a flowing Maple Bacon Log Flume down through my esophagus.

To quote Kylo Ren: “I’m being torn apart!” I wonder if it was a Maple Bacon Pop-Tart that turned him to the Dark Side. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 5 rating, kelloggs, maple, non cereal, pop-tarts. 2 Comments

Jan. ’16

Review: Kellogg’s ToGo Breakfast Mix: Cinnamon Roasted Candied Pecan and Salted Caramel & Praline Almond

Unlike the product it’s reviewing, this review of Kellogg’s new ToGo Breakfast Mixes should not be enjoyed while driving.

This review will not fit in your cupholder.

And licking this review will not produce a savory cinnamon pecan flavor.

So how are they similar? Well, both the breakfast mixes and this review probably shouldn’t be submerged in milk. That’s right: according to the packages themselves, Kellogg’s latest attempt to capture those “on the move” consumers—who have been slowing cereal sales—is meant to be enjoyed as dry finger food, preferably while stuck in rush hour traffic or while leaning away from the smelly guy on the bus.

Heck, you could even scarf ’em down in the brief interval between paying at the 1st window and picking up your McNuggets from the 2nd window at a McDonald’s drive through.

So these resealable, single serving pouches are obviously convenient, but are they tasty? I double-fisted both flavors while flying down the Interstate in order to find out (okay, not really). Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, 9 rating, kelloggs. 3 Comments

Jan. ’16

Review: LOVE GROWN FOODS Chocolate Comet Crispies, Fruity Sea Stars, and Blueberry Vanilla Polar Puffs Cereals

Who needs Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, or The Dark Knight when you can have edible cereal trilogies? After all, the “One Ring to rule them all” has nothing on the sugary loops of Frosted Cheerios. Forget “ruling:” I’d rather be drooling.

And speaking of cereal trilogies, coming soon to a pantry near you is LOVE GROWN FOODS’ new trio of kid-focused, bean-based cereals. I previewed them last week, but now it’s time to ditch the “p” and get right down to the crunchy business of reviewing.

So grab the leftover holiday casserole, buy a few cans of Busch’s, grind up some coffee, and put on a Rowan Atkinson DVD, because today is all about beans!

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 5 rating, 6 rating, 8 rating, love grown foods. 4 Comments

Jan. ’16

Review: Kashi Cacao Nib, Almond, & Coconut Overnight Muesli

My soft food diet is over, and while I’m already planning my “welcome back” house party—which will feature bowls of chips, volleyball-sized lumps of Laffy Taffy, and an edible piñata—I figured I’d have one last mushy hurrah by reviewing a cereal(ish) product quite unlike any I’ve tried before.

It’s one of three mueslis (I bet “Mueslis” will be one of the names given to an obscure background alien from Star War Episode VII) from Kashi that is designed to be filled with milk at night, refrigerated, and enjoyed the next morning.

I chose this flavor not just because “Cacao Nib” sounds like he could be the Ewok copilot of Mueslis in their Extended Universe novel, but because the other two flavors, Sunflower Pepita and Cherry Cinnamon & Cardamom gave me unpleasant mental images of eating fibrous stalks and spice cabinets.

Let’s have a “nib”ble, shall we?

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 4 rating, kashi, muesli, non cereal. 3 Comments

Jan. ’16

Review: Kellogg’s Cranberry Mini-Wheats Harvest Delights Cereal

Something about unfrosted Mini-Wheats make me uncomfortable. It’s probably the thought of stuffing small hay bales down my throat that makes me irrationally itchy all over.

I mean, Mini-Wheats always resemble tiny bales of hay, but at least when they put on their sugary clown makeup I can ignore my silly phobia and blissfully suck strawberry powder from their faces.

Speaking of which, 5 minutes of frantic Google searching have revealed that, even though there are phobias for fear of the pope (papaphobia) and fear of getting peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth (arachibutyrophobia), there is no named phobia for “fear of eating hay bales.” Looks like the perfect time for “Danophobia” to become a thing.

But at least Kellogg’s new line of Mini-Wheats Harvest Delights have a lacy yogurt ~~lingerie~~ drizzle to cover their naked, grainy bodies. But will this compliment their fruity flavors well? I bought the Cranberry flavor (I couldn’t find the Blueberry Vanilla…yet) to find out. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 4 rating, kelloggs, mini-wheats. 4 Comments

Jan. ’16

Review: ThinkThin Honey Peanut Butter Oatmeal

Being on a soft food diet sucks.

But being a cereal review blogger on a soft food diet sucks harder than Starkiller Base on the energy of a sun.

While I was able to stockpile several cereal reviews before undergoing this wretched tooth surgery, at the moment my palate has been forced to gum down meal after meal of oatmeal. Don’t get me wrong, I love oatmeal, but after packet #6 it starts to feel like a beige, mushy nightmare.

However, I figured it was only fair to toss out a review of one of the oatmeal varieties I’ve tried for the first time. It’s ThinkThin Honey Peanut Butter Oatmeal. I don’t know how new it is, but I don’t actually care enough to wade through the silly string of Google searches necessary to find out.

I’d also like to add that one of my New Year’s Resolutions was to start writing some shorter reviews, so those that don’t want to wade through labyrinthian walls of parentheses and references to decades-old fruit snacks will still enjoy this site. My other New Year’s Resolution was to line up an entire package of Keebler E.L. Fudge Cookies and topple them like dominoes, but that’s beside the point.

On to the review! Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 9 rating, non cereal, oatmeal, peanut butter. 1 Comment

Jan. ’16

Review: Nature Valley Chocolate Oat Clusters Cereal

We miss you, Honey Bunches of Oats with Real Chocolate Clusters. We miss you and wish you would come home.

I’ve lost count of how many years have passed since Post took my favorite HBO variety from me (6 or 7, I think, though that’s like a lifetime in cereal years). That cereal and I were meant to grow old together, Post! We were meant to retire in the countryside and call each other “honey” and “sugar” and chuckle happily.

But instead, you took it to “a farm upstate” and tried the Poochie approach of “upgrading” it into the inferior Honey Bunches of Oats Morning Energy Chocolatey Almond Crunch (note: Honey Bunches of Oats Morning Energy Chocolatey Almond Crunch died on the way back to its home planet).

Why am I telling you this story? Because after seeing Chocolate Oat Clusters, one of three new Nature Valley Cereals, I’ve been forced to relive these traumatic memories. But can this cereal overcome the shadow of its spiritual predecessor (even though they come from different companies)?

Time to wipe away my tears (which have been falling like chocolate rain) and find out.

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, general mills, nature valley. 7 Comments

Jan. ’16

Review: Kellogg’s Special K Nourish Apple Raspberry Almond Cereal

(EDIT: For those curious, I reviewed the other flavor of Special K Nourish here!)

New hobby: going into Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods and counting the number of ways I hear “quinoa” mispronounced. It’s amazing how many different Frankenstein’s word monsters can be created with just three syllables.

But I won’t judge. After all, I’m the same guy who simply refuses to pronounce “gyro,” “ricotta,” or “gnocchi” properly out of some bizarre sense of pride.

Anyway, that was my attempt to make an interesting introduction to a cereal that sounds boring, but actually has a lot more going on than any eavesdropped Whole Foods conversation. I know what you’re thinking: “Another Special K cereal with a name that takes longer to say than it does to eat? I’ll pass.” But just hear me out. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 5 rating, kelloggs, special k. 9 Comments