Snack to the future!

Unless you’ve been living under a Fraggle Rock, you’ve probably noticed that food and beverage companies are capitalizing on America’s recent wave of nostalgia—a yearning for the ’80s, ’90s, and in the case of Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts, even the early 2000s—brought on by the cruel world we live in now that’s so nonsensical it would nominate Boss Baby for an Oscar.

Yes, from Crystal Pepsi and Oreo O’s to Ecto-Cooler and Chicken Fries, Big Foodstuff has been throwbacking so hard the chiropractic industry has been thriving. The only thing missing now is Planters PB Crisps, the last two pieces of which have been spotted dangling from the back of Mr. Peanut’s Silverado.

And while all those wacky retro fonts and radical blurbs of pandering marketing copy are starting to get old, I support this snack-studded nostalgia trip if it means I keep getting to taste revived old Pop-Tarts like Vanilla Milkshake. Originally released in 2008, Vanilla Milkshake recently re-debuted alongside Strawberry Milkshake, and thanks to my region’s award-winningly slow-to-stock-new-things Walmarts (where Vanilla Milkshake is an exclusive flavor), I only finally found them this week.

So while a budding lactose intolerance keeps me from enjoying real vanilla milkshakes (almond milk, ftw), now I can live vicariously through these frosted ravioli. And yes, that’s the last time I’ll ever make a “Pop-Tarts are ravioli” joke.

After one bite, I immediately suspect Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts are actually Sugar Cookie Pop-Tarts that went to clown college. Far from a bad thing, I continued to cram mass amounts of vanilla pastry into my clown car-sized maw. With a classic, pleasantly golden flour crust, Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts build their namesake flavor on a properly inoffensive base. Unobtrusive yet also airily vapid, the crust also brings to mind the vacuous base of an angel food cupcake.

But of course, this isn’t Crusty the Clown’s floury review hour: you want to know about the filling. Colored like a sheet ghost’s ectoplasm, this stuff is thick, and cleaving a Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tart in twain leaves behind a putty-like icing trail that brings to mind a Twix bar’s caramel or a foodie Instagram’s mozzarella stick cheese pull. This toothpasty goodness tastes has equally strong notes of buttery dairy and syrupy sweet vanilla, a decadent cocktail of flavors that makes me think of soft serve from a cozy hometown ice cream shoppe—if it were served in a shortbread cone.

This is nostalgic in itself, yet overall plain Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts taste more neutral than potent. Far from as memorable as Strawberry Milkshake’s sharply fruity twist, there’s a reason nobody was clamoring for Vanilla Milkshake’s revival as much as Strawberry’s: the vanilla’s just plain pleasant, nothing more.

Toasting helps a lot to bring out a more mouthwateringly custardy flavor, which pairs nicely with the browned crust’s now waffle cone-esque warmth. Bonus points for the delectably gooey melted filling, which now takes on the appearance and character of Dunkaroo icing—another sadly lost American snack I wish some nostalgic necromancer would bring back to life—and my life.

Freezing, usually a great choice with any Pop-Tart, is especially great for Vanilla Milkshake. When frozen, the icing becomes the texture of edible sticky tack, and the taste becomes that of a Nilla Wafer ice cream sandwich: highly recommended.

So overall, Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts taste a little too similar to Sugar Cookie and a little too “safe” to linger endearingly in my memory for long. Unless you have a fanatic love for vanilla or a strange distaste for fruit, you’re probably better off going with Strawberry Milkshake Pop-Tarts, every time. Yet, toasting or freezing these puppies gives Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts uniquely nostalgic nuances that may make them a cult favorite in your household—I’d definitely take a package on a field trip to the science museum.

Thanks for the throwback, Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts. If I see you again in 10 years, be sure to bring Milk Chocolate Graham back with you.

The “Bowl:” Frosted Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts

The Breakdown: A pretty homogenous mixture of butter and vanilla, Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts nevertheless become ice creamy and Dunkaroo-y when temperature treated. worth a novelty buy, but like our best memories, some things are better treasured from a distance.

The Bottom Line: 6.5 hopeful Superman Ice Cream Pop-Tarts out of 10