Review: Quaker Breakfast Flats Golden Raisin Cinnamon Breakfast Bars

“Gimme a fat stack of phat Breakfast Flats, STAT!”

Now that Quaker’s new-for-2016 Breakfast Flats—which come in Cranberry Almond, Banana Honey Nut, and Golden Raisin Cinnamon—are on shelves, you probably hear that phrase around all the time.

Or more likely, you’ve probably never heard it, since I just made it up. Plus, no one has used the word “phat” since the Taft administration. He was the raddest, coolest president, after all.

All William Howards aside, a fat stack of 3 plastic-wrapped Golden Raisin Cinnamon breakfast bars sits in front of me. Full disclosure: the main reason I’m reviewing these is because my loving grandmother gave them to me as a thoughtful gift, knowing how much I love Raisin Bran.

So this one’s for you, Grandma. Time to make you proud by photographing sticky glazed raisin rectangles. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, breakfast bars, cinnamon, non cereal, quaker, raisin. Leave a comment

Sep. ’16

Super Cereal Time with Gabe Fonseca!

Player 1, please press start. Because we’ve got a heck of a cereal adventure ahead of us.

But I’m not talking about Chex Quest—though I always wish that I am. No, I just want to share the latest videos from cereal high scorer Gabe Fonseca’s Cereal Time YouTube series. On every episode of Cereal Time, Gabe dives into his personal breakfast archives to share the history and continued legacy of cereals both famous and obscure.

And this time, he’s pulling an arcade cabinet classic out of his cereal cabinet.

The first video we’re sharing is about Pac-Man Cereal! There’s something so magical about video game cereals (it’s actually a topic I had the chance to write about recently!). Whether it’s the way they infuse neon-tinged nostalgia into every piece or the way their sugary taste pairs perfectly with secret late night gaming sessions—don’t crunch too loud, or Mom will hear—video game cereals are like distilled geometric bits of pure childhood. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: cereal time, cheerios, general mills. Leave a comment

Sep. ’16

Review: Kellogg’s Limited Edition Chocolate Frosted Flakes with Skeleton Marshmallows

The world would be a much happier place if there were skeleton-shaped things in every food.

Spaghetti with skeleton meatballs. Pistachios with skull-shaped nuts inside every shell. Or here’s a really crazy one: chicken wings with actual bones in the middle!

Wait: one of those things is not quite like the others. But it doesn’t matter, because the point is that Kellogg’s newest Halloween cereal is Chocolate Frosted Flakes with Skeleton Marshmallows. It’s the logical next step up from this summer’s Frosted Flakes with Marshmallows, because when you’ve already paired a sugar-coated cereal with concentrated bits of sugar, the only way to make it sweeter for the sweetest season of the year is to add another glaze of corn syrupy malted cocoa.

At this rate, Kellogg’s will be selling Frosted Flakes with complimentary maple syrup bottles and sugar beet seeds in every box by the time Christmas comes around. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 6 rating, frosted flakes, halloween, kelloggs, marshmallows. 3 Comments

Sep. ’16

Review: Peace Cereal Maple Pecan Granola

Pumpkin dominates fall. Gingerbread and peppermint have a stranglehold on winter, while sugar cookie and eggnog watch on with buttered jealousy. Carrot cake has carved out a weird spring niche. Strawberry, s’mores, and good ol’ American apple pie vie for summer dominance.

So many flavors have seasonal attachments. But where does maple belong? Maple has long been a jack of all seasons, a flavor that we take for granted since it’s always available in glass bottles, plastic grandmother figures, and those charming metal carafes they supply at Denny’s.

But I think maple deserves its own season. You know what, “deserves” isn’t strong enough: maple has worked hard for our waffles and taste buds, so it demands a time of the year to call its own. Early September is a good time to start, because it’s just too early for most people to go off the pumpkin deep end, and it’s slightly too late to use those overripe strawberries in a shortcake. Some might argue that March is a better time, since that’s maple syrup harvesting season, but this review needed a creative introduction, so give me a break.

Here’s to you, maple. Let’s celebrate with Peace Cereal’s Maple Pecan Granola, which contains none other than real maple syrup. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, attune foods, granola, maple, peace cereal, pecan. 4 Comments

Sep. ’16

Election Fever: General Mills’ 2016 Monster Cereals!

Big things are coming soon.
Big. Spooky. Things. pic.twitter.com/Ms7inUgxUz

— Cerealously 🥛🥣 (@cerealouslynet) September 5, 2016

(Update: My annual review of Count Chocula for 2016 is here!)

It’s September, which means I can finally start using the term “Halloweeny” in public without sounding like I’m talking about a cheddar hot dog that tragically came without any cheese filling. Though trust me: I will be making a lot of those crescent roll mummy Halloweiners.

So what better way to kick off the boo-na fide Halloween season than with everyone’s favorite spooky trilogy? No, I don’t mean a marathon session of all three I Know What You Did Last Summer movies: I’m talking about Count Chocula, Franken Berry, and Boo Berry cereals!

While these monster cereals have already been spotted in stores like Target, Big Lots, and Walgreens, I want to thank General Mills for generously sending me the spooker care package you see above, which contained the cereals themselves and so, so much more. I know what you’re thinking, and I agree. Couldn’t they have thought of more creative sequel names than I Still Know What You Did Last Summer and I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer?

But enough about murderous fishermen. Let’s start researching for an I Know What You Ate Last Autumn screenplay instead. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: boo berry, count chocula, franken berry, general mills, halloween, monster cereals. 13 Comments

Sep. ’16

Review: Quaker Banana Bonanza Oatmeal and Blueberry Bash Oatmeal

Quick: pretend you’re in 4th grade and it’s lunch time. You sit down at an uncomfortable wooden table, and tear open your hyper-crinkly brown bag while you wait for your friends to come back from the hot lunch line with their spicy chicken sandwiches and Bosco breadsticks.

You’re more than a little jealous of them, but you know Mom had to have packed you something good. So what’s the main course? Ham and cheese on rye? Leftover chow mein from China Kingdom down the road?

Both guesses are wrong. In an attempt to get you eating healthy, Mom packed Quaker’s newest instant oatmeal cup flavors: Banana Bonanza and Blueberry Bash.

But are these oatmeal cones worth trudging over to the school’s vintage, pizza sauce-stained microwave for? Or should you trade them like edible Pokémon cards and try to game Billy out of his Ziploc full of Oreos?

Those are the existential questions I hope to answer.

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 6 rating, 7 rating, banana, blueberry, non cereal, oatmeal, quaker. Leave a comment

Aug. ’16

Review: Kellogg’s Limited Edition Pumpkin Spice Nutri-Grain Bars

I’ve never once eaten a Nutri-Grain bar for breakfast. So why is my breakfast blog reviewing these new Pumpkin Spice Nutri-Grain bars?

Well first, the box does call them “breakfast bars.” And second, they’re listed as “Limited Batch,” which is a much cuter, more exclusive, and more alluring term than “Limited Edition.” But most of all, Nutri-Grain bars hold a special, nostalgic place in my heart.

Seriously: whenever I have one of these miniature, flaky fruit burritos, I’m transported back to elementary school snack time. Even if I just smell a Nutri-Grain bar, my brain instinctively imagines the subtle odor of Crayola crayons in the background.

(Kindergarten me didn’t mess around with RoseArt.)

So because of my wistful relationship with Nutri-Grain “breakfast” bars, I’ve long wanted to review them on this site. And what better way to start than with Kellogg’s Pumpkin Spice Nutri-Grain bars, which are brand new for 2016?

I hope somebody brought the orange crayons. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: breakfast bars, kelloggs, non cereal, nutri-grain, pumpkin. 3 Comments

Aug. ’16

Review: Nature Valley Granola Crunch – Cinnamon & Maple Brown Sugar

Chunks of rock are underrated. Whether you’re gazing at geodes in a museum, winning a piece of the Aggro Crag on Nickelodeon GUTS, or simply throwing things in the quarry with Creed from The Office, chunks of rock are versatile and fun.

And edible chunks of rock are delicious, too. Fruity Pebbles, rock candy, chocolate-covered rocks, and Rocky Road ice cream? All of the above, please! The latest snack to join this honorable lineage of gravel is Nature Valley’s Granola Crunch. These green satchels come in Cinnamon and Maple Brown Sugar, and they promise to contain 21 Nature Valley Granola Bars-worth of flavor-packed ~~oat rectangles that fell apart on the granola bar assembly line~~ lovingly crafted oat bites.

I’ve recently had a personal granola rebirth, so I’m excited to bathe in the warm-baked glory of these craggy crumbs. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 6 rating, 9 rating, cinnamon, general mills, granola, maple, nature valley. 3 Comments