News: FunkO’s Cereal Series 1 is Ready to Launch!

Funko cereals - Freddy, Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, Lord of the Rings, Cuphead, Mega Man

Move over, Snap & Crackle, because there’s a new Pop in the breakfast aisle.

Well, kind of: Funko—the maker of those swollen-skulled pop culture figurines you’ve probably seen on your geeky friend’s mantel or on a purgatorial Toys ‘R Us shelf—is finally releasing its first line of collectors cereals, but only in special stores.

So unfortunately, we won’t be seeing a plastic-fortified Freddy vs. Jason vs. Tony the Tiger sequel in any major grocery stores. But tigers do have to sleep eventually…

Back on topic, the first run of FunkO’s cereals has changed drastically since the sneak peek we saw over three months ago now. Elvira has yet to make her bloody elegant debut, and Cuphead and Mugman are fronting the run & gun game’s cereal instead of The Devil. But as Funko is quick to point out, more cereals will be rolling out before year’s end to join the aforementioned beverage receptacles, Freddy Funko, Gollum, Mega Man, Freddy, & Jason:

“A second wave of FunkO’s hits limited stores in August. Pennywise will be available at Hot Topic, Huckleberry Hound at Funko, Batman and Batgirl at Entertainment Earth, Beetlejuice at Box Lunch, and Cthulhu at BAM!” (Source: Polygon)

With potential as big as Funko’s ∞-ly long product catalogue, here’s hoping we get cereals for every Pokémon, Sailor Scout, & Power Ranger, so we at least have a full cereal army before Thanos inevitably gets his own box. Maybe then we can get a 50% off sale?”

Speaking of which, at $7.99 according to the first news, the cereals don’t come cheap—not just because they each turn your milk a different color (mmm, high-calcium blood!), but because they have miniature Funko Pops inside—and some of the first series of FunkO’s are store exclusive. As the official release states:

“In July, Mega Man FunkO’s will be available at GameStop, Cuphead & Mugman FunkO’s will be available at Hot Topic, Freddy FunkO’s will be available through Funko, Nightmare On Elm Street’s Freddy Krueger FunkO’s and Friday the 13th’s Jason FunkO’s will be available at FYE, and The Lord of the Rings FunkO’s featuring Gollum will be available at BoxLunch. Additional cereals will continue to be added throughout the year for your snacking pleasure.”

Since there’s no word on the flavor varying from cereal to cereal, I’ll probably only pick up a couple—those big-nosed coffee boys are calling my name. Who are you most interested in?

Review: 7-Eleven Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries Slurpee

7-Eleven Cap'n Crunch's Crunch Berries Slurpee Review

There are certain events in the cereal world that take on a great historic significance. Events that I end up referencing constantly in future reviews, party conversations, and poorly thought out wedding toasts.

In recent memory, a few spring to mind: the one-year resurrection of Frute Brute & Yummy Mummy monster cereals, the permanent revival of ’90s classics French Toast Crunch & Oreo O’s, and the documentary-worthy fall/rise of Tiny Toast & Honeycomb.

These events will no-doubt earn diagrams, if not call-out boxes in any future cereal history book. And after trying 7-Eleven’s infinitely hype-able Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries Slurpee, I’m convinced it deserves its own chapter, one worth driving all the way out to the only 7-Eleven in West Michigan to be a part of. Continue reading

Review: Vanilla Latte Frosted Mini-Wheats

Vanilla Latte Frosted Mini-Wheats Review Box

I don’t know which age gap is bigger here: the one between the elderly countenance of fibrous shredded wheat and the inherent hip and/or intellectual youthfulness of a vanilla latte, or the quantum leap between that same vanilla latte and the disturbingly clownish/juvenile bootleg SpongeBob face of Frosted Mini-Wheats’ new(ish) mascot design.

Most know by now, but I have negative fondness for him. I believe his parents were a normal Frosted Mini-Wheat and a blob of radioactive sewage.

All Geiger counters in my Amazon cart aside, I’m excited to try the non-buffoonishly anthropomorphized Vanilla Latte Frosted Mini-Wheats that lie inside, perhaps in a steam of powdered sugar.

Because Kellogg’s is one for one on Vanilla Latte sweets, meaning if they knock this out of the park, Chocolate Mocha Mini-Wheats can’t be far behind.

Let’s hasten history!

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Cereal News Round Up!

7-11 Cap'n Crunch Berries Slurpee

It’s been a crazy couple of days for cereal—or at least, products that aren’t primarily cereal.

The chaos broke in appropriately outlandish form, with a photo of 7-11’s new Cap’n Crunch Berry Slurpee hitting Instagram thanks to @junkfoodduo. Now while my first reaction is an only-human revulsion, I remembered that if Cheetos can release a cinnamon sugar corn puff iced beverage I enjoyed, then perhaps the Cap’n can too.

I imagine it has something to do with churned cream corn?

Cocoa Puffs Frozen Yogurt

Now before I roadtrip to the nearest 7-11 like a grog-deprived pirate, there are more chilled cereal crossovers to see.

Like a new Cocoa Puff bedazzled frozen yogurt from 16Handles, news courtesy of @markie_devo. I have no idea how wide this chain serves, but I just like the sight of a Cocoa Puff-bearded froyo that manages to come closer than any before to stealing my name.

Finally, @candyhunting discovered Toaster Strudel’s plan to release toastable little rectangles diorama’d with Cinnamon Toast Crunch or Trix.

Trix Toaster Strudel

I’m really surprised the first cereal x toaster pastry hybrid didn’t come from the typically-more-experimental family of Pop-Tarts. But I’m even more surprised that this suggests Cinnamon Toast Crunch may be on an unstoppable chain of delicious guest roles, with a Mickey Mouse-esque aura that may permeate even weirder pumpkin spice-esque areas some day.

Cinnamon Toast Crunch Toaster Strudel

Could we see Cinnamon Toast Crunch cat litter?

All in all, this is a terrific chain of events that we can expect to enjoy soon—though with the rate that new cereal products are being released this year, I may be doggy paddling to my fridge through crunchy rings by September.

Review: Cheerios Cinnamon Oat Crunch Cereal

General Mills Cheerios Cinnamon Oat Crunch Cereal Review Box

Which cereals go to the gym?

It’s becoming easier to tell. Previously, it was clear that the burly likes of Raisin Bran and Grape Nuts totally work out—and that Wheat on the bench press? Totally Shredded—while Tony the Tiger’s protein-deprived Frosted Flakes definitely skip leg day.

But other classic cereals? Unclear. But with the release of Cheerios’ new Cinnamon Oat Crunch cereal, we know original Cheerios must be wimpy as a honey-soaked pool noodle, because these oat-specked rings are true cereal alpha grains.

Evoking the appearance of both Cheerios Protein and Honey (née Graham) Oh’s, Cinnamon Oat Crunch Cheerios trade muscly protein for stomach-rumbling fiber, with some remaining from the scaly layer of oat shard coating each like wholesome armor.

I’ve heard good things leading up to this review, so I’m ready to go toe-to-toe in the ring (my bowl) with this no pain, no grain gym rat.

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Review: Chocolatey Salted Caramel Pop-Tarts (Walmart Exclusive Flavor!)

Kellogg's Chocolatey Salted Caramel Pop-Tarts Review Box

Just as sure as there will be fads in fashion, from Crocs & bedazzled jeans to high-water pants and bedazzled Crocs, there will be fads in food that was and wane with the years and seasons.

But while most taste trends wear themselves out—pumpkin spice, sriracha, maple bacon, and the ’70s’ aspic-encapsulated everything spring to mind—salted caramel is one of few (hi, avocado) recent buzz-powered foodstuffs that actually stands the taste of time.

Which is why I’m glad Walmart and Kellogg’s decided to not release jellied Aspic Pop-Tarts and instead gave us Chocolatey Salted Caramel, a sodium-supplemented upgrade to plain ol’ Chocolatey Caramel, who now appears in my memory like a fragile Squirtle to this NaC(arame)l Blastoise.

So while I’m encouraged by the premise, there’s only one way to know how good these are. And friends, it doesn’t involve a peppermill.  Continue reading

Review: Dippin’ Dots Cookies ‘n Cream Cereal

Post Cookies ‘n’ Creme Dippin’ Dots Cereal Review

The world of bootleg sandwich cookies is well documented, even here on this blog, as I mocked Creme Betweens for being the kind of Oreo wannabe whose name you couldn’t even say aloud in middle school without getting a crowd of giggles and a detention.

But just as expansive is the world of cookies ‘n’ cream-flavored snacks that never secured the Oreo license, so they must instead annoy me not one but twofold as I return to the pantry to check whether the box spells it Cookies and/&/’n’/’n Cream/Creme/Crème.

Just as annoying is how rarely these Oreish snacks get the flavor right. With the exception of Pop-Tarts, most miss the mark on replicating Nabisco’s (literally) well-oiled sandwich cookie machine.

I first had high hopes for General Mills and Dippin’ Dots’ cerealized attempt at the flavor, but after the strangely balanced misstep of Banana Split Dippin’ Dots Cereal, I’m ready to enter this review with a dose of apprehension deeper than my Oreo milk glass.

It’s dunk or die, folks. Continue reading

Review: Golden Oreo O’s Cereal

Golden Oreo O's Cereal Review Box

Everyone’s got that one friend. The one who, regardless of whether it’s a Chuck E. Cheese, a fancy Italian restaurant, or a WNBA game, will always order chicken tenders with fries, choosing a safe palate bet at the expense of every other higher risk, higher reward option.

Now Oreo O’s is being that friend.

No, not because they’re making a chicken nugget-flavored cereal, but because they chose the most milquetoast and (literally) vanilla Oreo flavor to cereal-ify out of a nearly bottomless bestiary of zany sandwich cookie flavors.

We could’ve had Mississippi Mud Pie Oreo O’s! The first cereal unspellable without a 3rd-grade geography education!

But I suppose this doesn’t mean Golden Oreo O’s will be bad—as an Oreo O’s diehard since childhood, I’m still excited my fav has been revived and now revitalized within a year. I may just have to sub in some real Oreo O’s if the taste has me saying “Uh Oh!”

Anyway, let’s untwist and lick this bag full of evolved wistfulness.

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