The year is 2022: the last known record of humankind.

Following the success of their Magical Unicorn, Jazzy Yeti, and Iridescent Riddle-Telling Sphinx marshmallows, Lucky Charms has decided to keep the cryptozoological marbit trend rolling with a sugar nugget more mythical than ever before: a Technicolor Cthulhu marshmallow!

Predictably, this marshmallow becomes too ornately psychoactive—too destructively beautiful—instantly vaporizing any who see it with its multi-folded, granulated power. The end of civilization naturally follows.

Grim, I know, but that deadly premonition is years away. We should rejoice while we can, because Lucky Charms’ newest Magical Unicorn is a gorgeous harbinger of breakfast doom. It also marks a very strange shift in Lucky Charms’ ethos: just a year or two ago, General Mills was so committed to removing artificial colors that they turned the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles—veritable icons of neon ’80s excess—into pallid reptile droppings (that still tasted good, mind you).

There were even reports that Lucky Charms would lose its artificial colors too, by the end of 2017 or so, leading tinfoil-hat conspiracists like me to predict last year’s Mixed-Up Marshmallow Cereal were conditioning cereal lovers to accept color changes. But after the milk-splashing cannonball of a flop that was all natural Trix, GM seems to have abandoned this ideal, bringing back Trix and introducing this very very artificially colored unicorn marshmallow, finally acquiescing to the ravenous demands of inner children everywhere.

Because the best news is that the Magical Unicorn is a permanent addition to the Lucky Charms family, replacing the youngest of the brood: the hourglass. I’d like to see how the Unicorn explains the ‘glass’ absence to the rest of the sugary fam, but I’m sure it can just say he’s “having the time of his life at a farm upstate.”

I won’t lie: this “review” was mostly an excuse to take pretty marshmallow pictures and tell a dumb Cthulhu joke. There isn’t a ton to say about the cereal proper, because it tastes just like normal Lucky Charms—which is, of course, a great thing.

Tasting Lucky Charms again just goes to remind me why Lucky Charms Frosted Flakes  can never compare to the original. Because while the latter, Tony-taunting cereal has all the textural pleasure of peanuts and chewing gum, original Lucky Charms are an edible playground of crunchy oats and snappy marshmallows. And where LCFF is plagued by the specter of starchy corn flavor, Lucky Charms’ sweetened oats provide a neutral, pleasantly toasty springboard for the marshmallows to shine through and perform a backboard-shattering alley-oop somewhere near my uvula.

It’s a magically delicious classic for a reason, and the new unicorn marshmallow feels right at home. Though its blue and purple mane swirls make it easily the most technically complex, ahead of even the ever-impressive rainbow, it doesn’t detract from the wholesome bowl-some experience. Plus its massive mare surface area makes every spoonful ever-the-more magically sweet.

Oh, and if you look close, you’ll see Lucky Charms changed the shooting star marshmallow from white to orange, for no conceivable reason at all! Unless…we’re meant to believe the shooting star resorbed the similarly hued hourglass marshmallow into itself, a sinister turn of events that I’m accepting into my headcanon regardless of what Lucky says.

I could blither on about Lucky Charms tasting good in milk, but that’s been done. Instead I’ll briefly tell you about Lucky Charms in oatmeal. While Canada had its own Lucky Charms Oatmeal, which delightfully infused the oats with the magic glaze from the cereal, it still only had mini marshmallows.

If you scatter real Lucky Charms into hot oatmeal, not only will it steam up your camera, but the marshmallows will turn into gelatinous Eldritch horrors. and though this goo is ugly, it turns every oatmeal spoonful into a minesweeper game, where the goal is to hit every blissfully sweet sugar bomb.

Anyway, I’ve said enough about a cereal you’ve all eaten already. Lucky Charms is still great, and these fancy marshmallows make it greater. The only thing holding this cereal back fro ma 10 is the fact it isn’t chocolate. But Chocolate Lucky Charms with Unicorn Marshmallows does exist, so feel free to chase perfection if you want to.

I know I’ll be riding my Pegasus straight to Walmart.

The Bowl: Lucky Charms with Magical Unicorn Marshmallows

The Breakdown: Same ol’ Lucky Charms oaty-mallow goodness, now with prettier and larger unicorns. What’s not to love?

The Bottom Line: 9 Loch Ness Marbits out of 10