My advertising headcanon:

The Trader Joe’s chief executive sits down to his moderately-priced (though sustainably sourced and crafted by local upper-class private school artisans) desk, attired in a three-piece Hawaiian print suit, and lays into his most recent scheme to take over weirdly specific niche markets. Sort of like J. Jonah Jameson, but with flip-flops.

“Darn it, Leonard!” His assistant’s name is Leonard, I’ve decided. “Bring me identical versions of classic sugary cereals, but without gluten! No more gluten! If it glutes, it goes!”

At this point, poor Leonard readjusts his glasses between harrowingly scribbled notes, too cowed to make eye contact with Mr. Joe. “Y-yes, T.J. Got it. And what should we do about the box art?”

A flash of wrath crosses Trader Joe’s face for an instant, before he reconsiders. “Class. That’s what the cereal aisle is missing. Come up with the most elegant possible image and slap it on both sides. Think minimal. We’ll save on advertising and appeal to kids at the same time.”

“Yes, T.J. But… how will tasteful stock photography draw in children?”

The ire returns. “Darn it, Leonard!” He reaches into his breast pocket and pulls out a small paperback book, slapping it on the desk as everyone in the building collectively winces. “This is what today’s youth want! Get me this author! She’s going to change everything!”

And that’s how Trader Joe’s recent box art came to be designed by Marie Kondo.

In another recent salvo toward more gluten-freedom, the company has paired its prior spheroid offering with a sister release—this one a bit more along traditional cereal lines. In both shape and constitution, Trader Joe’s Gluten Free Cocoa Crunch Cereal is unmistakably meant for comparison with Cocoa Puffs. It’s a puzzling move, then, to adorn the box with a deftly arranged photo of someone’s zakka-inspired place setting with the audacious phrase “serving suggestion.” But you know what? Fine. If that’s how we’re going to play it, then this review needs to go all-in.

Time to one-up this understated high-brow aesthetic.

Classic literature? Check.
A fine bottle of Willamette pinot? Check.
Chopsticks for the hipster vibe? Double check.
OK, so I don’t own cloth napkins, but apparently we also need a wiping implement placed uselessly beneath the serving vessel. And done

So does the substance fit the (awkwardly incongruous) style? They certainly look like Cocoa Puffs. There’s a definite size disparity, and TJ’s GFCCC doesn’t have the same sugary sheen as Sonny’s orb-session. Still, it’s impressive how close the shape and texture come to the original. Unlike TJ’s Neapolitan cereal, too, Cocoa Crunch isn’t pock-marked like the subject of some pixie-sized mining concern.

Dry, Cocoa Crunch is very high on the snackability scale. Trader Joe’s mysterious Australian allergen-friendly cereal producer (just try to convince me it’s not Freedom Foods) seems to have finally hit on the ideal rice/bean/sorghum/corn ratio to approximate the same munch factor as Cocoa Puffs. There’s enough cocoa present for a hint of chocolatey taste, but with a very toned-down level of sweetness in comparison with more mainstream counterparts. There just isn’t enough cocoa here for my liking, despite the excellent texture.

Where its Neapolitan cousin fails, Cocoa Crunch fairs admirably. With a structure that holds up this well in liquid, it won’t be long before purposely gluten-free cereals produce a top contender. What Cocoa Crunch is missing, unfortunately, is the nearly indescribable between-state of Cocoa Puffs that have been soaking for a few minutes, with a still solid core but billowy exosphere. Granted, very few cereals achieve that unique state. Instead, TJ’s version takes an intentional amount of soaking to become soggy, which is commendable. The endmilk, like its source material, is just a little shy of the ideal cocoa level. It’s somewhat akin to using only the last scrapings of Nesquik powder and hoping for the best. Worth a drink, but hardly a showstopper.

His bidding done, Trader Joe settles back into his beachfront office’s folding chair to watch a few episodes of a Japanese tidiness guru plying her trade. He has eliminated gluten from a respectable product, but is the final result worth keeping around? He asks himself, does this spark joy?

That depends on you, Joe. But just remember: never finish a bowl without saying thank you or goodbye.

The Bowl: Trader Joe’s Gluten Free Cocoa Crunch Cereal

The Breakdown: This is a (gluten-free!) return to the classic one-note flavor and texture that defined generations of cereals past. Despite a respectable showing, the discriminating Puffs purist may find cause for conceit.

The Bottom Line: 7.5 wabi-soggies out of 10