“Let them eat cake.” — Cap’n Horatio Magellan Crunch

Well, probably. The origin of that quote is disputed by historians, biographers, and cereal box scribes, so it may very well have been everyone’s favorite breakfast boatman. After all, the never-aging Cap’n appears to be forever sailing in some timeless sea or milky non-place, so an 1843 quotation would feel like yesterday to such a mustachioed morning mainstay.

I’ve been analyzing Crunchian flavor trends already, but Cap’n “Deliciousness of the Endless” Crunch seems to have a growing fixation on cakes. After all, doughnuts are pretty much fried cakes—as are pancakes—so his latest variety may suggest more crunchy cakes in the future.

It’s called Strawberry Shortcake Crunch, and whatever mild conceptual surprise it brings is compounded by its genuinely interesting choice to pair Crunch Berry pieces with loops instead of classic Cap’n chests. Was this done to simply mimic a round, puffed pastry? To make it easier to squelch whipped cream into every piece? Or perhaps to nefariously lure Sonic the Hedgehog into his watery grave?

Because I don’t know about you, but I can’t rule out that Cap’n Crunch is just Dr. Eggman in disguise.

Okay, I know we don’t do driving tests for the elderly, but I think Cap’n Crunch may be due for at least a taste bud realignment. In my review of his Chocolatey Berry Crunch—a cereal some have already spotted on clearance ahead of its intended Valentine’s Day deadline, perhaps poetically—I couldn’t get over how (boring chocolate chests aside), the cereal’s Crunch Berries didn’t taste anything like strawberries, as the box may be imply.

The Crunch Berries in Strawberry Shortcake Crunch are exactly the same, but the crime is more heinous this time for two reasons. One, because after blaming Chocolatey Berry Crunch for not making the most of its “strawberry juice concentrate” ingredient, I noticed that even original Crunch Berries have that concentrate! I’ll admit I should’ve known that as a cereal blogger, but the fact remains that (two,) a cereal specifically with Strawberry in its name should probably tweak the original recipe more than none.

I mean, at least simmer the stuff in a nice Smuckers marinade.

That’s all to say that S.S. Crunch’s Berries are a disappointing ball pit that get in the way of the cereal’s better half by bringing nothing new nor terribly exciting to the table. If the the shortcake rings weren’t Berried beneath in excessive 50:50 mixture, they’d really shine.

What’s so good about the donut cakes? Their flavor is tough to isolate, but it’s somewhere between spongily oiled Twinkie skin and a de-nectared Honey Oh. There are subtle brown sugar and vanilla biscuit undertones, with a buttery, Nilla-inspired sheen that makes each shortcake life preserver worth hunting through an End of Evangelion sea for.

And milk doesn’t exactly make things much better. The milky runoff favors the scarlet Crunch Berry flavor, so while it has a strawberry finish, the whole thing still primarily smacks of other tropical fruits, as well. The ever-elusive short-rounds, once submerged, lose a lot of fresh-baked nuance and simply become the inter-relational byproduct of a normal Cap’n Crunch piece and a shortbread cookie.

For a bag this big, I wish I had more to say about Cap’n Crunch’s Strawberry Shortcake Crunch. But despite having enough servings per container to knock out a community breakfast plan in one swinging plastic cudgel, its cumulative flavor profile is “lightly perfumed Cap’n Crunch Berries left to cool in the light of Grandma’s favorite baking candle.” My advice to the cereal’s famous frontman is simple: forget the strawberries, Crunch. They aren’t doing you any good unless you amp up the juicy juice, so you’re better off focusing on other, more exciting cake flavors.

I mean, coffee cake? Pineapple upside-down cake? Pretty much anything would be worth a shot.

Well, maybe not Urinal Cake Crunch.

The Bowl: Cap’n Crunch’s Strawberry Shortcake Crunch

The Breakdown: With not enough strawberry juice and way too many bloody Berries, the would-be superstar shortcake pieces are left to play second fiddle. Maybe an Oops! All Shortcake wouldn’t be so bad, after all.

The Bottom Line: 6.5 cereal Sandmen out of 10