Well there ya have it, folks: Halloween is is barely dead and buried, and Christmas is already doing a perverse little gumdrop dance on its grave.

Though to be honest, I doubt Halloween minds chilling six feet under with all the skeletons, worms, and cursed alien artifacts.

Regardless, I’m not ready to dive into the holiday spirit yet. Partly because I’m a wuss when it comes to snow and winter cold, and partly because I still need to stuff my face with a metric ton of, well, stuffing. Which is why it’s a bit sad we’re not getting any new Thanksgiving cereal products this year—no Pecan Pie Toast Crunch? C’mon!—and instead diving right into the sugar cookies and….”Merry Berries?”

You’d think that’s a euphemism for mistletoe, but no: it’s the name of a limited-edition Smartfood popcorn flavor starring Cap’n Crunch and his Crunch Berries. And if the idea of Crunch Berry popcorn rankles your stockings with recognition, you’d be right. Last summer, Smartfood and the Cap’n dropped a more straightforward-branded version of the same snack.

The disappointing news is that Merry Berries Cap’n Crunch popcorn seems to be the exact same product, just with red and green Crunch Berries only. The alright news is that this pretty much describes what Christmas Crunch already is. And finally, the good news is that Smartfood’s Crunch Berries popcorn was already extremely tasty, so I’m gonna recommend you seek out Merry Berries if you haven’t tried the mix yet. I’m not even a fan of sweet popcorn, usually, but the combo of saltiness, berry-dusted popcorn, and the Crunch Berries themselves is uniquely magical.

Not as magical as a Cranberry Sauce Crunch Berries popcorn might be, mind you, but I’ll take what I can get.

What a year for nautical cereal nonsense! First in April, Lil Yachty collabs with Reeses’s Puffs to drop an RC boat with a built-in “milkcuzzi“—all of which were shamefully snapped up by scalpers, assuming it wasn’t an inside buoy-bob job to begin with. But a dinky toy schooner would never suffice for everyone’s favorite seafaring cereal mascot, so that’s why Cap’n Crunch just announced the nuttiest and downright gnarliest cereal contest I’ve ever heard of:

Sometimes to be the Cap'n, you gotta live like the Cap’n. Learn how to enter for a chance to win a stay aboard my Cap'n's Quarters. https://t.co/ds4Khxe5CH pic.twitter.com/rohgaVQrT8

— Cap'n Crunch (@RealCapnCrunch) July 28, 2021

That’s right: Cap’n Crunch has his own decked-out (literally) houseboat, and one lucky winner will stay two nights on the thing with up to three guests. While the idea of a floating Crunch Berry mecca is insanely cool, I’m getting slight Fyre Fest vibes from this. For one thing, to enter you must be over twenty-five and upload a photo that proves you’re the world’s biggest Cap’n Crunch super fan  at capnsquarters.com. Problem is, you’ve only got four days to enter, as the contest closes 8/1. I have a feeling it took the Cap’n’s PR team longer than anticipated to prep the contest, yet they had to push it out so that winners could still stay on the boat while it’s warm out.

Those winners will be able to pick two nights between 8/9 and 8/17 for their stay, and while transportation to the houseboat in Boston isn’t included, winners will receive a $2000 bank card.

Call me crazy, but this sounds like the plot of a cereal themed spinoff called Project X Marks the Spot. A borrowed boat stocked with only sugary cereal, plus $2000 in a state with legal weed? I wouldn’t be surprised if this real-life S.S. Guppy’s maiden voyage ends with Crunch Berry-filled chests dumped into the harbor. To anyone who enters: good luck and godspeed—wait, does Cap’n Crunch believe in God? I always pictured him as more of a Cthulhu man.