Review: Chocolate Peanut Butter Cheerios Cereal from General Mills

General Mills Limited Edition Chocolate Peanut Butter Cheerios Cereal Review Box

I’ve long had a theory that every cereal a person could ever need can be formed through a triangulation of three “primary flavors.” The three corners of this Cerealluminati Pyramid (working title) are formed by chocolate, peanut butter, and strawberry. Think about it, sheeple people: while those three flavors are near-universally delightful by themselves, by pairing them you can make a choco-pb cereal, a PB&J cereal, or a chocolate fondued strawberry cereal.

And if you happen to find some hipster niche of cereal lovers that isn’t pleased by any of those, you can just combine all three and tear a rift in space-time through sheer flavor alchemy.

New Chocolate Peanut Butter Cheerios are proof that my philosophy of breakfast geometry isn’t so obtuse after all—in fact, it’s pretty acute. See, even though General Mills has a near-monopoly on chocolate peanut butter breakfast cereals with Reese’s Puffs, they still decided to release another cocoa-nutty product. That’s because, as a key bastion of my Cerealluminati Pyramid, the mouth-watering power of chocolate and peanut butter together really is that persuasively strong.

Unless, of course, my deeper conspiracy is true, in which case the prophecy of threes has yet to be fulfilled:

But allow me to trade in my tinfoil hat for an equally shiny spoonand dig in—if I’m gonna be a nutcase, I’d rather be a peanutcase. Continue reading

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Review: Quaker Gingerbread Spice Life Cereal

Quaker Gingerbread Spice Life Cereal Review – Box

October 14th, 2017: the day Dan finally shut up about wanting a gingerbread cereal.

Yes, this is a landmark day—literally: the spot where I excitedly stamped my feet upon tasting Gingerbread Spice Life Cereal is now craterous enough to be deemed a geologic point of interest. I’ve begged for a gingerbread cereal (Gingerbread Toast Crunch, to be more specific, but gingerbeggars can’t be choosers) since the first year I had enough teeth to eat both a gingerbread man and Cinnamon Toast Crunch. And after decades of disappointment, that stoically grinning Quaker Oats guy must have finally felt my annoying laments reverberate through his 2-dimensional cardboard plane, because we now have Gingerbread Spice Life Cereal: America’s first ever gingerbread breakfast cereal.

I told myself I’d wait ’til winter months to review this stuff, since i have so many autumn treats to write about, but pumpkin spice and caramel apple be damned: if I don’t give my inner child this one, he’s going to beat my internal organs with a whiffle ball bat and a pair of Sock’em Boppers. Continue reading

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News: Rugrats Reptar Cereal Lands at FYE (with Rick & Morty Cereal!)

Rugrats Reptar Cereal

Whether you’re stuck in the playpen, off vacationing in Paris, or making pudding at 4am because you’ve lost control of your life, you’ve got to love Reptar—after all, he’s a lizard with a heart of gold.

And now you can eat breakfast with him, as FYE is debuting an exclusive, Rugrats-branded Reptar Cereal, alongside those famous tongue-tinting Reptar Bars.

Of course, this Froot Loops lookalike isn’t the first Rugrats cereal, or even the second, but it’s a much-needed bowlful of edible ’90s nostalgia that I think we all need in this climate. So if you want to sit back, wear something with a Memphis print, and pop in a VHS of Rugrats Go Wild (featuring The Wild Thornberries, of course), head on over to FYE.

And if modern cartoons are more your speed, FYE is also carrying Strawberry Smiggles, as seen in Rick & Morty. I know very little about the show, but from what I do know about its loyal fans, you’ll want to get to FYE before the crowds come back from disappointed, empty-handed and ready to star another Szechuan Sauce CriSauce.

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Review: Burger King Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shake

Burger King Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shake Cereal Milkshake Review

Lucky number seven, everyone.

That’s right: Burger King’s Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shake is the seventh cereal milkshake I’ve reviewed in the year 2017. In fact, it’s the seventh cereal milkshake I’ve reviewed ever.

Cinnamon Toast Crunch is a top candidate for Most-Beloved Cereal Ever. Alongside, Honey Nut Cheerios, Frosted Flakes, and Cap’n Crunch, it’s a cult classic—and for good reason: it’s got cinnamon sugar swirls in every bite. It’s the taste you can see!

Well now it’s the taste you can suck, too, thanks to Burger King. I don’t know how it took so long for the Meat-Puck Maestro to adapt this fan favorite, but I’m glad he did. The cylindrical ivory tower standing before me, adorned with an ethereal whipped cream peak and filled with modest beige freckles, is certainly an unassuming beast, but I’m ready to take down its pasteurized soft-serve Walls of Jericho with my plastic reverse-trumpet.

Or as some call it, “a straw.” Continue reading

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News: Holiday Cereals – Hot Cocoa Cocoa Puffs & Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms

Hot Cocoa Cocoa Puffs Cereal Holiday

(Image via General Mills)liday

Merry October, everyone!

I love seeing all my favorite holiday decorations out on lawns already: the jack-o-lanterns people put on top of their trees, Rudolph the Red-Eyed Werewolf, and Santa’s iconic wife: Mrs. Freddy Krueger.

To celebrate the Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Krampus Day/general merriment season that is totally already here, General Mills is already shipping out two new holiday cereals to Target and other stores.

First is Hot Cocoa Cocoa Puffs. Consider this one filed away in my “How The Heck Did This Not Happen 10 Years Ago” drawer: marshmallows and Cocoa Puffs seems like a no-brainer, especially after the deliciousness of Count Chocula and Chocolate Lucky Charms. Cocoa Puffs Treats cereal bars have blended Sonny’s choco-corn orbs (chocorbs, for short) with fluffy sugar before to great success, so I’m glad to finally see it come full circle.

Err, full snowball marshmallow, I mean.

No word on whether the Puffs here will be flavored different to match the smoky richness of real hot cocoa, but considering how my childhood self used to stupidly think hot cocoa was made by microwaving chocolate milk, Hot Cocoa Cocoa Puffs have to at least be better than that. Though I may try microwaving them. Continue reading

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Review: Steak ‘n Shake Breakfast Cereal Shakes (Cocoa Krispies & Frosted Flakes)

Steak 'n Shake Milkshake Sign

As I patiently wait for my local Burger King to stock their new Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shake—hurry up, Mr. Beef Royalty: it’s cold waiting out in this tent made of Whopper wrappers—I figured I’d finish my review series of Steak ‘n Shake’s menagerie of breakfast cereal-infused arctic beverages.

When we last left our humble, shake-sucking heroes, they had polished off Cinnamon Crunch and Honey Smacks Shakes at an ungodly hour under the gaze of Sauron-tinted neon lights and nearby angst-tinged teenagers. I recommend you read Part 1, if you haven’t already, because I don’t want to re-tread too much old ground in this post—after all, my stomach still hurts from the whole “mildly lactose intolerant” thing.

The things I do for breakfast journalism.

In short, though, the shakes were good, but BK’s shakes were superior in every way, on account of them actually mixing in syrupy cereal magic syrup instead of just plopping cereal pieces on top. This could’ve put the kibosh on my pasteurized odyssey, but the Steak ‘n Shake waiter said Cocoa Krispies and Frosted Flakes were by far the most popular flavors. Tempted by this forbidden fruit (“Frosted” is a fruit, right?), I set off with my shake-craving sidekick once more to put that waiter’s money where my dairy-sensitive gastrointestinal system is.

Continue reading

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News: Cap’n Crunch’s Freedom Crunch is Coming Soon, for Some Reason

Cap'n Crunch's Freedom Crunch Cereal Box

(Image via Quaker)

(Important Update: Cap’n Crunch himself has alerted me that this is not a real cereal hitting shelves. It was a scrapped concept never meant to be seen online. I’ll leave this post up for history’s sake, but know that you won’t be crunching into a bowl of AmeriCrunch any time soon.)

I’m not here to extrapolate on Cap’n Crunch’s political views—after he saved the Earth’s supply of Crunchium in the Volcanica at the Earth’s molten core, I know he’s a humanitarian, and that’s enough for me.

So here’s my completely non-partisan take on Freedom Crunch, the newest Cap’n Crunch variety, coming soon: it’s red, white, and blue Crunchberries, and that sounds delicious. I would like to eat it, because I believe that it would taste good. For breakfast. With milk.

That is all. Thanks for reading!

In all seriousness, I don’t know why Cap’n Crunch is debuting such a patriotic cereal in a non-major election year, so far from 4th of July. But hey: I guess Quaker had to use the Crunchberry colors they already have, and ‘Merica-themed made more sense than Swirly Toothpaste or Barbershop Pole Crunch.

No word yet on when this cereal is hitting shelves—maybe we won’t see it ’til Independence Day—but until then, I can admire the gorgeously drawn, saluting eagle, and see if I can buy a flagpole small enough to hoist a cardboard box above my kitchen table.

It’s just too bad they didn’t release this two years ago—could have called them “Crunch Barries.”

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News: Kellogg’s Donut Shop Chocolate Donut Cereal is Coming Soon!

Kellogg's Donut Shop Chocolate Donut Cereal Box

(Image via Kellogg’s)

Somewhere out there, in whatever crunchy, cosmic Valhalla awaits discontinued cereals, Cap’n Crunch’s Choco Donuts weeps.

See, Kellogg’s is debuting a new Donut Shop Chocolate Donut Cereal, and it reminds me of the Cap’n’s long-discontinued and much-beloved chocolate pastry cereal from the early 2000s (its full name: Oops! Choco Donuts, as if that was anything but the happiest accident).

Sure, Kellogg’s version, which has a gorgeously Pepto-Bismol pink, family-sized box, may lack the Cap’n’s sprinkles, and sure, the Cap’n still has Sprinkled Donut Crunch to rival or mix with this, but it still does feel like a low blow to the Cap’n’s dearly departed doughnuts (that’s the correct way to spell it, ugh), whom I’m sure he misses like a edible, frosted children that went to study abroad in Rome and never came back.

At least, I like to tell myself that there’s still a box of Choco Donuts hidden somewhere beneath the Colosseum.

No word yet on when Kellogg’s Chocolate Donut Cereal will hit shelves—or whether it’ll just taste like Cocoa Puffs or cream-less Oreo O’s—but I like to remain hyper-optimistic: if “Chocolate Donut” is just one variety of a wider “Donut Shop” brand, maybe we’ll finally get the world’s first Sour Cream Donut Cereal.

Too ridiculous? Fine, I’ll settle for Boston Cream.

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