Category Archives: Reviews

Review: Hot Cocoa Cocoa Puffs Cereal

General Mills Limited Edition Hot Cocoa Cocoa Puffs Holiday Cereal Review Box

Some things just make sense together. Like peanut butter and chocolate. Or peanut butter and jelly. Or peanut butter and bananas. Or peanut butter and analogies about things that go well together.

Oh, and chocolate and marshmallows, I guess.

That’s why it makes no sense that it took ’til 2017 for General Mills to realize just how many cents they’d make by putting mini marshmallows in Cocoa Puffs. From the humble Mallo Cup to being 2/3 of the iconic s’more, chocolate and marshmallows have a long history of delightfully gumming up people’s teeth.

But hot cocoa/hot chocolate (I refuse to take a stance on which name is better. As I’ve said before, I’m staying as neutral as a packet of Swiss Miss) is perhaps the most memorably cozy pairing of the two. Therefore, the only explanation for why this took so long is that Sonny always flies south for the winter. I’m willing to forgive him for going AWOL for Cocoa Puffs, so long as his redundantly named Hot Cocoa Cocoa Puffs are good. Since my childhood self used to think hot cocoa was made by microwaving chocolate milk, the bar is pretty low.

I still have nightmares about tepid, radiated and pasteurized dairy products.

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Review: Mystery Oreo Cookies

Nabisco Mystery Oreo Cookies Review Cereal Package

I’m gonna cut right to the chase, because I don’t have a lot of time and the Oreo I’m dunking in milk with my left-hand while typing this with my right-hand like a clambering hen is quickly growing soggy:

The real mystery behind Mystery Oreo cookies is how Nabisco couldn’t come up with something more creative.

Yes, when it comes to the near-constant stream of new Oreo news—which flickers across my social media timeline reliably enough to warrant it its own stock exchange style ticker—I usually remain an enthusiastic spectator, rather than a loyal hunter and gatherer: after all, how am I supposed to afford 16 Hot-Choco-Doughnut-Bun-Shortcake Oreos with Crackling Candy Filling when I have 17 more boxes of Chocolate Peanut Butter Cheerios to buy, just to get me through the week?

The only time I take Oreo news seriously is when it involves a cereal flavor or the potential revival of Oreo Cakesters. And soon after Nabisco launched its Mystery Oreos, a nebulous flavor whose taste palate can be hypothesized for a chance to win $50,000, I heard from several little birdies that this flavor would “pique my personal interest,” *wink wink* *nudge nudge* *it’s a cereal flavor it’s a cereal flavor.*

So after donning a Holmes-ian hat, boning up on some Encylcopedia Brown, and assuring myself there’s no way Nabisco would release Oreo Cakester-flavored Oreo Cookies, I bought a package. Now, let’s solve a mystery the rest of the Internet solved three weeks ago!

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Holiday Review: Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms Cereal

General Mills Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms Holiday Cereal Review Christmas – Box

Halloween: over.
Jack-O-Lanterns: Decomp-O-sed.
Skeletons: stuffed back inside their human shells, where they belong.

Yes, now that October’s climactic ‘ween has waned, I’m slowly waxing into full Christmas mode (it’s easy to wax when you have so much 50% off candy corn left over). I know what you all you turkeys are thinking: but what about Thanksgiving? And I say to you two things. One, since Thanksgiving is objectively the chillest holiday, I don’t think it would give a rat’s mashed potato if we used it as a one-day, turkey-steeped nap in the middle of two months’ worth of Christmas mania.

And two: you show me a Thanksgiving cereal I can write about instead, and I’ll gladly dive headfirst into that bowl of Green Bean Casserole Toast Crunch.

So yes, I’m starting the holidays early with my review of Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms, one of two new wintery treats from General Mills. As for Thanksgiving, I’ll just leave out some stuffing and a glass of cranberry sauce for Tryptophanta Claus. Continue reading

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Review: Limited Edition Banana Nut Cheerios Cereal (2017)

General Mills Banana Nut Cheerios Cereal Review Limited Edition 2017 Box

The only thing I love more than bread is bread that lets me pretend I’m eating healthy.

That’s why banana bread and zucchini bread were the butten-laden cornerstones of my developmental years’ food pyramid. That’s why I’ve preserved my grandma’s mathematically perfected zucchini bread recipe into adulthood. And that’s probably why my gut is steadily taking the shape of a banana bread loaf, protruding through my shirt like T-1000 through a wall.

Even though a zucchini bread cereal is as likely as North Korea letting pigs into their no-fly zone, I’m ecstatic that we’ve seen a recent resurgence of banana bread cereals. First we got Canada’s Banana Bread Shreddies, and now fan-favorite Banana Nut Cheerios are back from whatever Davy Jones’ Pantry General Mills condemned them to for the past year or two.

And yes, I know it’s called Banana Nut Cheerios and not Banana Bread, but we all know that’s “banana nut” is a term invented by Big Bread to keep even the carb-conscious in the palm of their crust-caressing hands. But enough conspiracy: let’s slice, peel, and crack open a box! Continue reading

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Review: Boo Berry Monster Cereal (2017)

General Mills Boo Berry Monster Cereal 2017 Review Box

And the 2017 “Most Improved Monster” award goes to…Boo Berry!

Yes, it’s true, everyone’s favorite indigo apparition has stepped up his game this year—in my past two years of Boo Berry reviews, his dubiously ambiguous and ambiguously dubious “fruit flavor” has lived in Count Chocula and Franken Berry‘s shadows. Ironic, for someone who’s essentially an anthropomorphized blue shadow.

But before we give Boo his third annual taste test, I have an important announcement: Happy Halloween! May your night be full of macabre merriment and no fewer than 8 fun-sized Snickers—and by “fun-sized” I mean “king-sized” because that’s where the real fun is.

Closing out this monster cereal review trilogy feels like a fitting way to celebrate—that’s why I originally wrote this review by stupidly replacing every instance of the “oo” vowel sound with “boo,” but switched back because it was unreadable.

Okay fine, I didn’t actually do this—but self-deprecation is the key to successful blogging, and man I sure am dumb! Continue reading

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Review: Nature’s Path Organic Frosted Pumpkin Pie Toaster Pastries

Nature's Path Organic Frosted Pumpkin Pie Toaster Pastries Review Box

It’s like that old children’s book:

If you make a Pop-Tart organic, it’ll want a typewriter to tell people about it.
If you give that Pop-Tart a typewriter, it’ll need thick-rimmed glasses to see the keys.
When you give it thick-rimmed glasses, the Pop-Tart will need to know the proper pronunciation of “quinoa” for its upcoming poetry slam…

I jest, but Nature’s Path Organic’s toaster pastries are, in my mind’s eye, Hipster Pop-Tarts. And just like Trader John Misty—err, I mean, “Joe”—Nature’s Path has a sleek, pumpkin spiced pastry to compete with Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts: Kellogg’s big guns.

(And we all know Pop-Tart guns should be taken seriously.) Continue reading

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Review: Classic Trix Cereal (with 6 colors again!)

General Mills Classic Trix Cereal Review with 6 Colors Box

To paraphrase the illustrious Milhouse Van Houten: “Remember Trix? They’re back! …In Pog form 6 colors.

Okay, well Trix never actually left, but when General Mills removed the cereal’s artificial colors and flavors at the start of last year, it kind of desaturated the cereal in the public eye. And even I’ll admit that, while I appreciated the cereal’s newly authentic fruit flavor at first, its overly citrusy taste profile started to sour on me. Before long, I was out there on the front lines with my “Give Me Red Dye #40 Or Give Me An Even Swifter Death” picket sign.

And apparently General Mills heard the anguished cries of a bunny litter’s worth of distraught inner children, because now “Classic” Trix is back on shelves alongside its tri-colored companion. So whether you’re hankering for a carrot or a slice of carrot cake, Trix has something for you, your kids, and all your silly rabbits to gnaw on.

Let’s take a flavor roadtrip back to the ancient old days of early 2016, shall we? Don’t forget to bring your Sports Almanac! Continue reading

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Review: 7-11 Stuffed Waffle (Pillsbury)

Pillsbury 7-11 Stuffed Waffle Review Sign

Ha, I bet you thought my first ever waffle review was going to be some fancy pumpkin spiced Eggo, didn’t you? Or perhaps a frou-frou Kodiak Cake, or maybe a behind-the-scenes expose about my Grandma’s lovingly hand-griddled plaid cakes?

Wrong, wrong, and—bless her heart—wrong again.

No, my inaugural Belgian batter odyssey takes place in a questionably lit 7-11 parking lot, at approximately 7 minutes to 11. I’m sitting on the curb, next to the cicada buzz of a tired neon light, cradling an exclusive Stuffed Waffle, created as a partnership between the convenience store chain and Pillsbury.

It looks like a cafeteria grilled chicken tender, and I feel like a bucket of that cafeteria’s janitorial mop water. I’ve questioned my life choices many times, but before today, I never would imagined myself asking:

“Why didn’t I just buy the week-old rolling taquito?” Continue reading

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