Category Archives: Reviews

Review: General Mills Loaded Cereals (Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Trix, Cocoa Puffs)

General Mills New Loaded Cereals Review Boxes

Oh, filled cereals—is there any cereal subgenre with a legacy as troubled as yours?

Perhaps it all started with 1993’s Hidden Treasures, a high-concept cereal that paired hollow cereal pieces with a trio of fruit-filled ones for breakfasters to serendipitously spoon. Heck, there was even a codex for determining which pieces held which fruit: “Pieces with a seam very close to the edge had a grape filling, off-center seams had orange, and directly center seams had cherry.”

And while Hidden Treasures is remembered incredibly fondly by today’s nostalgic noshers, it only lasted on shelves for two years, either due to poor sales or the high cost of producing a breakfast cereal elaborate enough to require a field guide.

Thus began the curse of the filled cereal: if you’re a crisped biscuit with a lil somethin’ in the center, you were destined for either discontinuation (like Pop-Tarts Cereal) or divisiveness (like Krave, which, despite being a cereal aisle mainstay and one of my personal favorites, seems to be deeply hated by about 50% of those who try it).

That leads us to today: these three Loaded Cereals are, in fact, General Mills’ third attempt at a post-Hidden Treasures filled cereal revival. First we had the ill-fated Fillows, whose dense, dessert-like decadence didn’t land with those seeking morning meals that wouldn’t leave them anchored, bloated and drooling, to their breakfast tables. Then there were General Mills Filled Bites, which were basically just Fillows all over again, and, as such, they never made it out of test markets.

Which is a huge bummer, since I, as a shamelessly indulgent density devotee, loved both Fillows and the Filled Bites. But perhaps there’s room in my heart to try again. So give me your best shot, Loaded Cereals…before you end up disappearing and breaking that very same heart again. Continue reading

Review: Rhett & Link’s Mythical MishMash Cereals: Sweet Mac N’ Mello & Peanut Butter N’ Honey Sandwich

New Rhett & Link Mythical MishMash Cereals Review: Boxes

I know what you’re thinking: two affable online fellas with a whimsical talk show get their own cereal and it’s not me and Justin? Heresy. But hey, as much as I’d love to create an official Empty Bowl Cereal (it would be strawberry-flavored crunchy bowls with yogurt clusters, of course), our niche popularity pales like skim milk compared to the vast cultural capital of Rhett & Link, known for Good Mythical Morning and a whole bunch of other successful enterprises from their long history of entertaining the internet.

After all, it takes a lot of time, money, and resources to make your own cereal from scratch. Or at least, I assume it does…I’ve never really looked into it, because it takes a lot of time, money, and resources. Or at least, I assume it does.

That’s why Rhett & Link partnered with “an inventive and industry-leading production facility that specializes in cereal” to make this happen: MishMash Cereal, in two debut flavors. What’s MishMash all about? Here’s what it says on the side of every box:

“Since when did the cereal aisle get so…serious? Leave the seeds to the birds and the fiber to your broccoli. MishMash founders Rhett & Link grew up in the ’80s when your cereal was repped by a cool cartoon mascot, and the back of the box was kinda sweet, just like the cereal. It’s time to bring back the flavor and fun, so we’re MishMash-ing unique flavors, wacky shapes, and curious concepts into cereals that are meant to be played with. Take a morning trip down memory lane, get your daily dose of shenanigans at snack time, or indulge your midnight munchies with a cereal-y dessert. Whatever the reason, we promise something unexpected and deliciously fun.”

So there you have it: instead of trying to turn cereal healthy, MishMash doubles down on the artisanal nostalgia angle. But at $10 (plus shipping) a box, does banking on wackiness pay off? As your resident goldball with a heart of goof, I’m putting my money where Rhett & Link’s mouthes are to find out.

Err…their money where my mouth is? My monkey…their mouse…I don’t know, let’s just do this. Continue reading

Review: Gingerbread Toast Crunch

New Gingerbread Toast Crunch Review - Box

Just when I think I’m out…they pull me back in…like when a bad vaudeville actor gets pulled off stage with a cane…but in this case it’s like…a candy…cane…

Sorry, since I’ve been on a posting hiatus, I’ve forgotten how to smoothly start these things. Much-needed time off aside, I couldn’t just not break my break in order to review the cereal I’ve begged for the most over the course of this blog’s 8+ year existence. Seriously.

Simply put, I’ve been a gingerbread-loving lad since the day I first bit a man’s arm off (he was trying to steal my gingerbread cookies). That warm, molasses-soaked medley of spices…the fun of decorating and building elaborate edible architecture…the mythos of an uncatchable cookie cryptid…I just love it all to the point where you might as well call me The Gingerbread Dan.

And since I love cereal, too—especially the cookie-adjacent snickerdoodliciousness of the Toast Crunch family—combining gingerbread with Cinnamon Toast Crunch has always seemed like a no brainer. So while I’m surprised it took General Mills this long to pick the low-hanging gumdrop button, I’m just glad a box of Gingerbread Toast Crunch is finally nestled in my loving arms—just in time for Halloween to shamble back into its sarcophagus and the Thanks-mas-Year’s-Eve juggernaut to protect me from old man winter’s seasonally depressive ilk with festive cheer.

You are my talisman of power, Gingerbread Toast Crunch: now let’s find out if your taste is worth the wait. Continue reading

Review: Malt-O-Meal Summer Cereals (Orange Dreamsicle, Key Lime Pie, & Strawberry Shortcake)

New Summer Malt-O-Meal Cereals

Okay, okay: that article title is a lie. Or at least, like, 60% a lie.

Yes, I’m going to talk about all three of Malt-O-Meal’s fruity summer cereal releases, and yes, I know, I’m really late to the game on talking about them. But that’s because one of these three cereals is so much better than the others that I’ve been deeply, irretrievably absorbed in its ample folds of goodness—to the point of ignoring the other two, this blog, and my ties to this earthly plane, all at the same time.

Which one is it? Ha, wouldn’t you like to know.

What’s that? You would like to know? And it’s my job as a reviewer to tell you?

Well geez, I guess that logic checks out. Alright, I’ll tell you…but I’m gonna make you wade through my thoughts on the not-so-good ones, first.

Don’t worry, I’ll make it as ephemeral as these two cereals’ flavor. Continue reading

Review: Carmella Creeper + Monster Mash Remix Cereals

New Carmella Creeper Cereal Review - Box

Is Carmella Creeper good?

Yes!! Not only is it my undying delight to see a new Monster grace shelves—the first since 1987’s Fruity Yummy Mummy—but to see an actual female cereal mascot for once is refreshing, especially in the sausage fest that is the breakfast aisle.

(No, mentally unstable bovines and anthropomorphized marshmallows don’t really count as representation.)

Furthermore, Carmella is just cool. Billed as the long-lost cousin of Franken Berry (however the murky genealogy of lab-created lifeforms works), she’s a hip ‘n’ happenin’ DJ who would never be caught un-undead with the likes of someone lame enough to still use the phrase “hip ‘n’ happenin'”. Though that wouldn’t stop me from uncool-ly inviting her to get gas station sushi and play Kirby Air Ride (she’d decline, but politely).

Wait, you were asking whether Carmella Creeper the cereal is good?

Oh, heavens, no. Not at all. No no no no. Continue reading

Review: Maple Brown Sugar Chex

New Maple Brown Sugar Chex Review – Box

Dearest Corn,

Look, I know I’m probably the last person you want to receive a letter from. In fact, you probably called me a “mother-shucker” and popped a movie-theater-buttered blood vessel just seeing my name on the envelope. But I owe you an apology. Several, actually.

I’m sorry for blaming the death of the already undead Monster Cereals on you. I’m sorry for calling you “a starchy scourge that’s turned the cereal industry into a (literal) husk of what it once was.” And I’m sorry I double-dipped that tortilla chip in the guac when no one was looking.

Because the truth is, while, yes, 99% of modern cereals that use your milled flour as a base turn out to be terrible—as the flavors basted on top struggle to contend with your maize-y twang—there’s also another kernel of truth that says there are good corn cereals. In fact, there are corn cereals as outstanding in their field as the scarecrows that guard them. These mostly include those cereals that wear their corniness on their weathered flannel sleeves: the Corn Flakes, Corn Pops, and dearly departed Corn Bran Crunches of this world.

And yes, Corn Chex, too.

You see, I’ve noticed something: amongst all the endlessly reproducing Chex varieties, whose choices of base grain always seem arbitrary, the corn ones always trump the rice ones. Honey Nut Chex? Peanut Butter Chex? The likes of Blueberry and Apple Cinnamon are glass cannons of flavor-blasted blandness in comparison to you, corn, and your comparative golden-toasted heartland heartiness.

Now, Maple Brown Sugar Chex belongs amongst that elite Chexian Corps., too.

So here’s to you, corn. You’re a hull of a guy, after all. Continue reading

Review: ICEE Cereal

ICEE Cereal Review - Box

// Partial Transcript of Oral Research Report 526-23, Regarding Specimen [REDACTED], Recovered from the Desk of Arctic Cereal Researcher Dan. G. — Current Whereabouts Unknown //

I know not what I’ve stumbled upon—only that it is insidious. Unnatural. Decidedly not of this earth.

Discovered in a remote crater, the particulate creature calls itself “ICEE Cereal,” and it appears to be a crude extraterrestrial attempt to mimic one of mankind’s favorite frozen beverages, though it has chosen a far less familiar form. Rather than a liquid, it’s composed of solid spheres. While it seems like the organism tried to make these small round bits solely red and blue, there exist also countless hybrid offspring in manifold hues of purple.

The thing’s ostensibly cardboard shell claims that the spheres are flavored like “Cherry & Blue Raspberry.” Every fiber of my survival instinct tells me it would be unwise to consume such a suspicious “foodstuff.” And yet, as soon as my eyes fell upon the rapturously radical (and dare I say, totally tubular), shade & sweatered anthropomorphic Polar Bear on this ICEE Cereal, I was powerless to resist its allure. Perhaps this is some new form of visual memetic virus? If so, I can only pray this ICEE Cereal kills me before such a maliciously compelling mascot can be allowed to reach civilization.

So to my ancestors and descendants alike I say: please, forgive me for what I am about to crunch and/or munch. Continue reading

Review: Sweet Dreams Cereals

New Sweet Dreams Cereal Review - Boxes

Aw jeez, gotta write quick: I feel like I’m reviewing on a timer here, like an Evangelion unit disconnected from its power supply. If I trail off mid-sentence, you’ll know that Sweet Dreams Cereal worked and I fell asle

Just kidding, I’m still here and (debatably) lucid. Though my eyes are feeling heavy—but is that because Sweet Dreams, the first cereal designed to be eaten at night to promote restful sleep (with its natural melatonin production-supporting vitamins & minerals), actually works, or because it simply bores me to sleep? Well, turn on your device’s blue-light filter, slip into your finest Sleepytime Tea Bear nightgown/sleeping cap combo, and we’ll all find out together. Continue reading