As I get older, I keep up with Disney news less and less: I’ve always preferred Chuck E. Cheese to Mickey when it comes to anthropomorphized rodents, anyway. That’s why before this review, I still had no idea what the upcoming Moana is going to be about. But thanks to a close friend of mine named Wick E. Pedia, I know the film’s about a Polynesian warrior princess who embarks on a nautical journey with the demigod Maui—played by none other than Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.
Well, I guess that explains the boulder-sized, tattooed dude on the back of Kellogg’s new Moana Cereal box:
Let’s look inside!
Kellogg’s is notorious for recycling the same shapes ad nauseum for their movie tie-in cereals: from Frozen Cereal to Captain America Cereal and Finding Dory Cereal, those same rounded squares—themselves repurposed from JIF Cereal—keep coming ’round again and again.
But thankfully, Kellogg’s has debuted a new spiral shape for this cinematic breakfast. By “new,” I of course mean “newly stolen,” because every crunchy coil looks like a Cinnabon Cereal piece whose sweetly spiced powder coating was hit with an industrial flavor vacuum. I can’t say that I’ve ever actively wondered what a naked cereal piece looks like, but at least now I’ll have one heck of an anecdote to debut at the water cooler tomorrow.
Every sandy whirlpool has an impressively dense crunch and a pleasant, vanilla wafer-esque base flavor. Amongst other types of flour, this solid, biscuity base is made primarily from “degerminated yellow corn meal,” which, aside from triggering my spellcheck, sounds like the subtitle of Schwarzenegger’s next Terminator flick.
These blended flour swirls are glazed with buttered sugar goodness. This syrupy smack is neat and nostalgic at first, but its sweet kiss soon turns into an uncomfortably lingering hug, as it first glazes then plasters the back of my throat with cloying soybean oil. Eaten dry, Moana Cereal is very much like movie theater popcorn: fun to mindlessly munch, but if you’re not careful, a bit too buttery.
Of course, the multigrain snail shells are only half the fun. Moana Cereal has three types of mini marbits, too: palm trees, suns, and blue stars. The suns and stars are uncreative color globs straight out of an amateur abstract art exhibit, but the gorgeous palm trees look like the mutant children of a pineapple and an eggplant.
I want to tattoo one on each of my knuckles and make Maui proud.
The ‘mallows don’t taste exceptional when eaten dry, but when you add an ocean of milk to this already oceanic cereal, they suck the stuff up like delicious sugar sponges. Even Mr. SquarePants would be jealous of their porousness, and he’d probably want to live inside the eggplant–pineapple hybrid, too.
In fact, milk makes everything about Moana Cereal better. It dilutes the sticky glaze into a delightfully golden endmilk, and the combo of mushy marshmallows and dairy-soaked spirals tastes bizarrely like Christmas sugar cookies: indulgently granulated, creamily buttered, and twinkling with a vanilla gloss. Moana Cereal isn’t exactly revolutionary or terribly memorable, but it’s still Kellogg’s best movie cereal in years.
Now, please join me in laughing at Maui’s comically zoomed in face.
The Bowl: Moana Cereal
The Breakdown: Like beached marine wildlife, Moana Cereal can’t truly thrive without milk. This won’t make anyone’s Top 10 Favorite Cereals list, but Moana Cereal’s summer aesthetic and holiday flavor make for a nice transition into winter.
The Bottom Line: 7 immediately cancelled episodes of “SpongeBob EggPlants” out of 10
(Quick Nutrition Facts: 120 calories, 1 gram of fiber, 10 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein per 1 cup serving)