Anyway, it seems like I’ve been sleeping on the Cereal Killer Cafe for a long time—not surprising, considering how they’re like, 5 timezones ahead of me. But I also knew them as the Brits with the most famous cereal cafe of all time. Cereal cafes aren’t all that rare in America, but since you can just buy all the same cereals at your local grocery store, the concept is much more of a novelty overseas, where American cereals are comparatively exotic and exuberantly sweet. Add in Cereal Killer Cafe’s immersive branding, and you had a hit on your spoon-gripping hands. Continue reading →
Happy Ho-Ho-Hovember! Not to be confused with Yo-Ho-Hovember (only celebrated in international waters), H-H-H-vember is my go-to name for the late-autumn parts of November that are cannibalized by the coming Christmas season (i.e., every day in November except for like, three).
I highly recommend you celebrate with either a) strict defiance and rigid adherence to Thanksgiving tradition with a “come and take ’em” on your mashed potatoes, b) the kind of dastardly combination of Thanksgiving and Christmas festivities that results in cranberry sauce leaking out of a stocking, or c) a new episode of The Empty Bowl, a meditative cereal podcast from myself and Justin McElroy.
I won’t lie: I do a very bad job about remembering to tell y’all when we have a new episode. In fact, it’s been an embarrassing 5 months since I’ve done so. But nevertheless, Episode Sixty is a darn good one, even if it gets a bit off topic into the rich realms of s’mores and doughnuts…and shoddy Halloween costumes.
We also discuss these new Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch Mini Treats, which thankfully aren’t exclusive to the Sam’s Club 53-count box after all—and instead can also be found in this 35-pack at Walmart stores, even though that’s still enough sweet little rectangular prisms to leave Santa too stuffed to slide out of your house the way he came in. Forgive him for tucking and rolling out the living room window…and taking the head clean off your front yard reindeer sculpture.
Anyway, if you want to hear all the Empty Bowl episodes I forgot to tell you about, you can find them at our Anchor hub. You can also follow along on Twitter, or send in a listener question. We can’t discuss or respond to every email, but each one is like a Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch Mini Treat injected directly into our veins.
Well there ya have it, folks: Halloween is is barely dead and buried, and Christmas is already doing a perverse little gumdrop dance on its grave.
Though to be honest, I doubt Halloween minds chilling six feet under with all the skeletons, worms, and cursed alien artifacts.
Regardless, I’m not ready to dive into the holiday spirit yet. Partly because I’m a wuss when it comes to snow and winter cold, and partly because I still need to stuff my face with a metric ton of, well, stuffing. Which is why it’s a bit sad we’re not getting any new Thanksgiving cereal products this year—no Pecan Pie Toast Crunch? C’mon!—and instead diving right into the sugar cookies and….”Merry Berries?”
You’d think that’s a euphemism for mistletoe, but no: it’s the name of a limited-edition Smartfood popcorn flavor starring Cap’n Crunch and his Crunch Berries. And if the idea of Crunch Berry popcorn rankles your stockings with recognition, you’d be right. Last summer, Smartfood and the Cap’n dropped a more straightforward-branded version of the same snack.
The disappointing news is that Merry Berries Cap’n Crunch popcorn seems to be the exact same product, just with red and green Crunch Berries only. The alright news is that this pretty much describes what Christmas Crunch already is. And finally, the good news is that Smartfood’s Crunch Berries popcorn was already extremely tasty, so I’m gonna recommend you seek out Merry Berries if you haven’t tried the mix yet. I’m not even a fan of sweet popcorn, usually, but the combo of saltiness, berry-dusted popcorn, and the Crunch Berries themselves is uniquely magical.
Not as magical as a Cranberry Sauce Crunch Berries popcorn might be, mind you, but I’ll take what I can get.
See, when Hot Cocoa Cocoa Puffs debuted way back in 2017, I made fun of the name for being redundant and clumsy to say. Now, the concept of wintery marshmallow’d Cocoa Puffs is back from its four-year embarrassment-induced hibernation, and with a less tongue-twisting name. Sure, “Hot Cocoa” is still the flavor descriptor—despite no one in their right mind actually eating hot Cocoa Puffs—but “Swiss Miss Cocoa Puffs” sounds a lot neater.
Sadly, the cereal itself will probably be more tongue-tiring than tempting. Looking back at my Hot Cocoa Cocoa Puffs review, it’s clear I need to get at least halfway through a box before giving it a full review, for while the charm of marbits and cocoa-powdered puffs was cozy at first, I remember getting really bored of the cereal’s one-note adequacy long before I finished it. Cocoa Puffs as a corn-based cereal has simply lost its luster in the face of other, better-base-grained chocolate cereals, plus the marbits are boring and Cocoa Puffs’ recent reformulation has left me distrustful of Sonny the Cuckoo and his bowl-gripping feathers…
…even if I happen to love his sweater, which makes the bird look like a Fat Albert side character.
Swiss Miss Cocoa Puffs have already been spotted at Sam’s Club.
Yes, Coffee Mate, the folks who already brought us Cinnamon Toast Crunch Coffee Creamer, are double dipping into the great big bowl of cereal inspiration for this shining supernova of liquid sweetener known as Golden Grahams Coffee Creamer.
It’s no secret that I’m a Golden Grahams fan—honestly, we need a term for that. Golden Grahamaniacs? In fact, I’m a big fan of all things graham’d, be they crackered or Teddy’d. I even find it quite silly that graham crackers were invented to curb prurient urges, because nothing gets me going like a coffee-dunked sheet of twinkling Honey-Maid goodness.
And now, with this GG (fitting acronym) Coffee Creamer, I can dunk my graham crackers in graham cracker flavored coffee creamer that I’ve poured in my coffee….which I’ve then poured into a bowl of actual Golden Grahams. I expect a Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure villain-tier ability to see through time to develop shortly after. Continue reading →
Picture this epicurean odyssey: it’s the day after Thanksgiving, and you’ve just finished a delightful franken-wich of fused leftovers—gravy-braised turkey suspended in cranberry sauce topped with a mashed potato schmear, all on a bun made from waffle-ironed stuffing.
And now it’s time for dessert, so you make Grandma’s classic: a fat slice of toasted bread thickly buttered with the puréed result of cramming an apple pie slice into your food processor.
At least, that’s what I picture when I think of “Apple Pie Toast,” the latest naming convention-transgressing foodstuff implied by the people who brought you “Frosted Toast” Crunch and “Sugar Cookie Toast” Crunch. I mean hey, I understand that it’s just the name of a cereal and therefore it doesn’t need to conform to reality, but c’mon, they did this flavor already with Apple Cinnamon Toast Crunch, a name I had no trouble accepting.
But whatever, I’m just grasping at semantic straws. If Apple Pie Toast Crunch is good, I’m willing to forgive its eponymous sin. Continue reading →
Well if it isn’t the no-brainer patrol, here with a new Pop-Tart flavor that should’ve been made years ago.
I mean c’mon, maple is such a good flavor. It’s probably in my top 5, with the legendary likes of PB&J and gingerbread. But there have only been two maple-flavored Pop-Tarts, and both came with drawbacks. 2012’s Mapley Brown Sugar Oatmeal Delights Pop-Tarts were incredible, but they were only around for a very limited time and I only ended up trying them in a dusty, nearly expired form after unearthing them a year later at some catacomb of a grocery outlet. Meanwhile, Maple Bacon Pop-Tarts were about as appetizing as a pig’s belch.
Finally, though, we’re getting an allegedly permanent and straightforward maple toaster pastry with Eggo Frosted Maple Pop-Tarts, debuting this December. Granted, it would’ve been cool if they actually gave the Tarts little indented squares, but hey, if I want syrup pockets, I can always squelch some Mrs. Butterworth into my jorts.
All that said…
…while my bloggerly duties would feel unfulfilled if I didn’t report on news like this, it’s also my due journalistic diligence to remind you that 1400 Kellogg’s factory workers are on strike right now, fighting for healthcare, retirement benefits, vacation pay, and for their jobs not to be outsourced altogether! Hopefully they can reach an agreement before December, so we can all enjoy Eggo Pop-Tarts, but ultimately, the livelihoods of the people working hard to make our breakfasts are far more important than some sweet ‘n’ sticky toaster slab.
I encourage you to join me in standing with these brave Kellogg’s workers by avoiding Kellogg’s purchases until an agreement is met.
Sorry Wendy’s, but this is neither penance nor atonement. Your sin is far too great to assuage with a sweet cereal.
I know I seem crass, but in my eyes (all full of glistening milky tears of spite), Wendy’s is at fault for popularizing the “kooky brand social media” trope that’s infected Twitter, Tumblr, and somehow my small intestine. Listen, it was funny the first umpteen times a big, million-follower account got snarky and all “sorry not sorry” for “throwing shade” at a competitor, but holy trash-talking guacamole, it’s gotta stop. I’m tired of brands pretending to be people.
I know nothing I say will stem the tide, though, so let me get to the point: Kellogg’s is teaming up with Wendy’s to drop the fast food chain’s first ever cereal, based on their iconic chocolate Frosty milkshake. According to Kellogg’s, “hitting shelves this December, the limited-edition cereal features chocolate-flavored marshmallow pieces that intermingle with crispy, cocoa-coated round cereal bites — each spoonful evokes the irresistible taste of a Wendy’s Frosty.”
Well, to me, each spoonful looks like it’ll evoke the tepid taste of an Elf on the Shelf Cereal (apologies, but I’m triggered by those molar-nesting capsule marbits). As with any new cereal, I’m willing to give it a chance to surprise me, but hey, either way, Wendy’s Frosty Cereal comes with a consolation prize: each cereal box includes a FREE small Frosty or Frosty-ccino with any Wendy’s app purchase.
Wait, I’m also still triggered by my childhood memory of throwing up a Wendy’s cheeseburger with a small Frosty I dunked my fries in.
Boy, I just can’t win today. Maybe I can assuage the pain by having @Wendys publicly dunk on me instead.
