Author Archives: dan g.

07

Sep. ’15

Special: Cereal Time with Gabe Fonseca — Alpha-Bits Cereal

Even though many students have Labor Day off of school, it’s time for a spelling lesson.

Or maybe just another cereal lesson. That’s right, cereal knowledge bomb-dropper Gabe Fonseca returns once more with the latest in his Cereal Time YouTube series, which seeks to teach the masses about what really matters in life.

Who needs accounting and mechanical engineering when you have cereal? After all, history’s many popular cereal brands can be seen as oat-based, sugar-coated symbols of the world’s evolving cultural zeitgeist. Or you can just see them as delicious.

And this week’s focus certainly has evolved. Alpha-Bits cereal has seen many mascots over the years, from a postman, to a dog, all the way to the Jackson 5. Although, as many have pointed out, the normalization of Alpha-Bits over the years into a bland, personality-less cereal could be seen as more of a devolution.

Oh well, maybe you can still use the grainy oats to teach your horse how to read. Mister Ed 2015, anyone?

And you know the drill: for more cereal action, check out Gabe’s other Cereal Time videos, and check out his quality Tweets, as well. Where else can you find badass Star Wars sneaker glamour shots?

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05

Sep. ’15

Review: Cracklin’ Oat Bran Cereal

IMG_3811How did I get here?

All I did was innocently pour myself a bowl of Cracklin’ Oat Bran. Sure, my friends told me that it was a “slippery slope,” and that “once you crackle, there’s no going backle.” But I didn’t listen. No cereal could be that good, let alone that addicting.

Yet here I am: curled up in the fetal position on a milk-stained mattress in the basement of some “Cracklin’ house.” As I pull myself to my feet, the air is dusty with cinnamon and graham. I stagger to the door, past the scores of bran junkies, savagely filling their spoons and stuffing their faces with little brown rectangles in a futile attempt to recapture the thrill of that first bowl. I leave, and blinded by the daylight (how long have I been here?), I wonder how I hit this new low.

Cracklin’ Oat Bran: not even once. Continue reading →

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03

Sep. ’15

Review: Crispix Cereal

IMG_3804The year is 20IXIX.

The city is in ruins. Gangs have taken over the streets: burning down kids’ lemonade stands, filling mailboxes with wasps, and helping old ladies cross the street…BY THROWING THEM.

And it’s all because of the diabolical Crispix Corporation.

Are you a bad enough dude to stop them?

Let me amend that post-apocalyptic premise by saying that I have absolutely nothing against Crispix cereal. It just sounds exactly like the name of a generic, evil business conglomerate from an ’80s cyberpunk techno-dystopia movie. Continue reading →

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01

Sep. ’15

Special: Cereal Time with Gabe Fonseca — Addams Family Cereal

Have you been Cousin It-ching to relive another classic cereal?

Well the latest in cereal-ology scholar Gabe Fonseca’s Cereal Time YouTube series is ready to scratch that nostalgic itch. As regular readers (or viewers) know, Gabe’s series of videos evoke the spirit of childhood through quick cuts, bright colors, and even cartoon clips. And unlike most cereals today which have done away with the concept, this Cereal Time video has a prize inside!

This installment covers Addam’s Family cereal, which creeped onto store shelves in 1991 and lasted until 1993, as Gabe details in the video. Gabe pours an actual box of the maroon and pale cereal pieces, but doesn’t eat any. Like many Addams Family characters, this cereal looks a little too…undead. At least Ralston didn’t try to recreate the texture of Cousin It with the oat pieces.

Be sure to check the link in the video for a chance to win an actual Cousin It flashlight premium that paired with the cereal back in the spooky, scary ’90s (*cue ghost voices saying “oooooohhhhh!”*). Also check out Gabe’s Twitter and watch all of his other Cereal Time videos.

They really are a scream, I promise!

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31

Aug. ’15

Special: Spooned & Spotted — Froot Loops Bloopers Cereal

image1Welcome to the first installment of “Spooned & Spotted,” a new feature that spotlights submissions from Cerealously readers regarding what tasty or noteworthy cereals they’ve eaten or seen in stores. We almost called it “Spoon-ted,” but that sounds like the kind of euphemism that you’d look up on Urban Dictionary and immediately regret afterwards.

Today’s cereal was spotted by reader Marc P. (thanks, Marc!). It’s Froot Loops Bloopers, and it puts the familiar tropical explosion flavor of the Froot loops you know and love into a much more Crunchberry-esque shape.

Are these meant to be the factory rejects that got caught in the loopification machine, and now Kellogg’s just wants to profit off the runts of the litter?

Is this merely a nefarious conspiracy to make more cereals in shapes that will scrape the roofs of our mouths?

Only Toucan Sam can know for sure. And as he cradles his technicolor Dragon Balls on the front of the box (which have apparently given him the messiah-like ability to walk on a tsunami of milk), we can only assume that he won’t be spilling the beans on that particular secret.

While Froot Loops Bloopers have actually been around since late last year, Marc stumbled upon them for the first time at his local Target while hunting down the new Pumpkin Puffins cereal. It just goes to show you that sometimes the most interesting cereals are hiding right underneath your nose. Keep hunting, cereal seekers, and as Toucan Sam himself always says…

If you’d like to see your picture or thoughts featured on a “Spooned & Spotted” post, click yourself right on over to our submissions page, or just email us at cerealously.net@gmail.com.

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29

Aug. ’15

News: Kellogg’s Unearths Limited Edition Krave, Froot Loops, and Apple Jacks Cereals for Halloween

KelloggsFrootLoopsHalloweenSkeleton_3799505

(Images via Kellogg’s Family Rewards)

(EDIT 10/3: My review of Halloween Krave is live! Click here to read it! My review of Halloween Apple Jacks and Froot Loops can be read by clicking here!) 

It’s all treats and no tricks from Kellogg’s this Halloween season. While General Mills has let their Monster Cereals out of the sarcophagus yet again, and Cap’n Crunch himself is spooking the cereal aisle with Halloween Crunch, the good people at Kellogg’s are firing on all cylinders with three fresh scares of their own.

First up is a jack-o-lantern colored Krave cereal. Unfortunately, the regular cereal shell is merely dyed orange, and there’s no unique pumpkin spice, candy corn, or even sweet potato flavor (okay, maybe that last one was a bit of a stretch). Just the same, milk-guzzling biscuit with that ol’ delicious milk chocolate filling.

I also secretly hoped for yellow dyed filling to mimic the healthy glow of a carved lantern, but this radiant orange is still enough to turn my Hallo-hype meter from “fun-sized” to “king-sized.”

Alongside Krave are new varieties of Froot Loops and Apple Jacks. Both fruity cereals will get marshmallows shaped like the different anatomical sections of a skeleton. This way, you can either build your own full skeleton or simply revel in the cannibalistic joy of chewing on pelvis-shaped sugar bits.

All three cereals come in delightful boxes that paint their respective mascots in dramatized, horror movie-esque styles. The Krave Chocovore is Coming to get you, Barbara, Toucan Sam has spent too long in the Overlook Hotel, and Apple & Cinnamon just stumbled on a house they can easily steal from, since the only person home is Macauley Caulkin. Wait, wrong holiday.

Look for these limited edition boxes in a store near you soon. But don’t wait too long: missing a bowl of these will surely make you howl in disappointment.

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27

Aug. ’15

Review: Barbara’s Limited Edition Pumpkin Puffins Cereal

IMG_3766Pump-ffins? Puff-kins?

Okay, I’m really glad Barbara’s didn’t try to incorporate cheeky wordplay into the name of their new Pumpkin Puffins cereal, because it’s the kind of pun that looks like it could work, but should probably be outlawed by the U.N.’s International Tribune on Wordplay Sanctions.

Or should I call them the P.U.N.?

But I digress. Sneaking in just ahead of the Autumn harvest is a new pumpkin-flavored cereal from Barbara’s. Like their other Puffins flavors, Barbara’s Pump-ffins take the form of wee little adorable pillows that look like rounded cubes with ridges and bowed-in edges. It’s the kind of complex shape that would make a geometrician sweat just thinking about calculating the surface area to volume ratio.

But luckily we don’t have to calculate any derivatives of pi to cram these hollowed-out cuboids into our hungry pi holes. Continue reading →

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26

Aug. ’15

Special: Cereal Time with Gabe Fonseca — Golden Grahams

♬ Oh those Golden Graha—

We interrupt this catchy jingle for a special Cerealously report! The breaking news has just rolled in that cereal visionary Gabe Fonseca has released the latest in his informative Cereal Time YouTube series, which brings fun facts and history about a different cereal each week directly to to your doorstep. Err…computer screen, I mean.

Throw away those expensive textbooks, kids: this is the last educational reference you’ll ever need.

This week’s bowl is the delightfully flavored and textured Golden Grahams. As Gabe accurately states, Golden Grahams have been underrated for too long, so it’s nice to see them finally get the spotlight. For whatever reason, GG always plays second fiddle to its swirly brother, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, which gets all the flavor spin-offs (Peanut Butter Toast Crunch, French Toast Crunch, etc.). Golden Grahams, meanwhile, gets nothing. You lose, Golden Grahams: good day sir!

I, personally, would love to see a s’mores variant of Golden Grahams, or perhaps a seasonal pumpkin spice. But it’s as the saying goes, I guess: always the bridesmaid, Golden Grahams, never the cinnamon-swirled bride.

(Though I will argue that delightfully lick-able ridges trump swirls and powder every time)

As before, enjoy Gabe’s video (how else will you learn about what is perhaps the cutest and most obscure cereal mascot of all time?), and be sure to check out the rest of the Cereal Time series, as well as Gabe’s Twitter profile.

We now return to your previously scheduled jingle.

—ms. Graham cracker tastin’ cereal! ♪

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