Author Archives: dan g.

Quick Review: Wild Kratts PB&J Power Discs Cereal

Entering this review, PB&J and cereal have a flawless track record.

After 2016’s fantastic JIF PB&J Cereal and the ’80s’ mythical PB&J Cereal—which was apparently so transcendentally mind-blowing that no one knows how it tasted—Wild Kratts (whose cartoon series I won’t pretend to know anything about: I thought it was a bootleg Thundercats) has a 100% perfect legacy to stack up to with its appropriately stackable PB&J Power Discs.

I just hope I can finish this review before a rogue box of PB&J Cereal falls into my lap and wipes my memory. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 3 rating, pb&j, peanut butter. 3 Comments

May. ’18

Review: Pop-Tarts Strawberry Cheesecake Splitz

Leave it to Kellogg’s to know what we want, before we even want it.

If the arcane flavor wizards behind Pop-Tarts came to me like genies in the night, asking what my ideal combo of an old and new toaster pastry would be, it wouldn’t include Strawberry and Cheesecake—only because I’m not creative enough. I’d probably say something dumb, like Maple Brown Sugar + Honey, Raspberry + Doughnut, or Chocolate Fudge + Cookie Butter.

Wait, wait: those are good ideas. Who told you I wasn’t creative, Kellogg’s? Get your best poppin’ people on these! But seriously, Strawberry Cheesecake Pop-Tarts are genius, too. So genius, that I’d love to see a whole factory, just making cheesecake Pop-Tarts!

I’d call it…The Mascarpone Mill.

While the idea is good, the last Pop-Tarts Splitz I had left me a little apprehensive—its two strong flavor personalities argued more than they played nice—so the only solution is to dive in to one of these suckers like a kid into a pool full of cheesecake.

(If I say “pool full of cheesecake” enough times, I’m hoping Sara Lee will make it a reality) Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 9 rating, kelloggs, pop-tarts. 2 Comments

May. ’18

Spooned & Spotted: Carl’s Jr. Froot Loops Donuts

https://www.instagram.com/p/BiX6EL7FzN8/

(Check out our full review of Hardee’s & Carls Jr.’s Froot Loops Donuts!)

Praise the sun god (by which I mean the Raisin Bran mascot)! Cereal and doughnuts are a match made in personal heaven.

See, I secretly adore doughnuts (which I spell the correct way. Yeesh/yeast, Carl, get it right). From Twin Peaks to The Simpsons, the nutrional desert of a morning dessert that is the doughnuts rivals even cereal in terms of breakfasts with cultural significance. That’s why I’ve (mentally) preached that the two should just merge into a single vessel of breakfast singularity

We’ve gotten plenty of great doughnut cereals recently, and now Carl’s Jr. is helping usher in the second crumbing with new Froot Loops Donuts, which look like SpongeBob’s Pretty Patties and probably taste just as good.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BjK8_sfnQc6/
A few users now have posted proof of their existence, despite radio silence on all CJ’s official channels—he’s probably busy making out with Hardee’s—but I still don’t know much about the flavor makeup. What I do know is that big bad Carlton didn’t stop there. (Slight profanity warning ahead: tell the kids to go watch the washing machine spin around)

https://www.instagram.com/p/BjJm1yUAQ8V/

Yes, Carl’s Jr. is putting even Burger King’s Froot Loops Shake to shame with their Froot Loops Donut Shake, a product name that sounds like a demerit-worthy run-on sentence.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get to try either due to my geographic isolation from any of Carl’s star-studded houses of sinful decadence, so for now, I’ll just plan to live vicariously through you lucky dogs’ arteries.

(Now I’m remembering why this isn’t a doughnut review blog)

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Uncategorized. 2 Comments

May. ’18

Review: Honeycomb Cereal (It’s Back! Original Flavor)

You know the end of the movie, when the big bad has been defeated and the main, side, tertiary, and no-name characters (who will definitely get fan fiction lore) are all celebrating a fight/romance/exorcism well done?

That’s where we are—in the third act of Honeycomb’s story.

Here’s the IMDB-worthy synopsis for those who eat their breakfasts under the comfort of a shady rock:

Honeycomb cereal, good for years.
Lots of people, eat Honeycomb for years.
Post Foods, makes Honeycomb all natural.
Post Foods, thinks they know what people want.
Post Foods, is wrong.
Hundreds of people, mad about Honeycomb.
Hundreds of people, blame me, divine meddling, spam the word GARBAGE.
Post Foods, brings back Honeycomb
Cool, hip blogger, reviews Honeycomb again

Long story short, BIG REAL HONEY FLAVOR is back, baby, and Andre the Giant is fist-pumping in his grave. Now let’s see if all that buzz holds up. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 9 rating, honey, honeycomb, post. 33 Comments

May. ’18

Spooned & Spotted: Buffalo Wild Wings Crunch Berries Blender

Seeing Cap’n Crunch, the modern patron saint of the inner child within us all, at a Buffalo Wild Wings may seem jarring, but in reality, it’s a pretty good bit of breakfast lore continuity.

You see (you see how I started this sentence with “you” so I wouldn’t have two with “see” in a row?), the Cap’n has been picking up athletics again over the past couple years, returning to his position as the MVP of sugary-sporty cereals with Home Run Crunch, Touch Down Crunch, and Soccer Crunch. So it only makes sense that eventually, he would sprain one or many parts of nautical old anatomy, and he’d instead retire from real sports and settle for a career in the game of kings:

Sitting at a Buffalo Wild Wings yelling at the TV with hot sauce on his pointing fingers.

But the Cap’n isn’t content with just watching: he’s milking this deal out with a new milkshake. It’s called the Crunch Berries Blender, and it’s a non-alcoholic mix of whipped & ice creams + Crunch Berries cereal. Spotted by my own dear sister on Snapchat (hence the obfuscatory punctuation), this merry mix should be out at Buffalo Wild Wings locations already. Here’s the full recipe:

Guess I’ll have to bust out my dusty old “feigned interest in sports” from the basement to try it. I bet it still fits, too!

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: cap'n crunch, milkshake. 1 Comment

May. ’18

Review: Kellogg’s Wild Berry Froot Loops Cereal

This is a big step for Toucan Sam.

After decades of keeping his proprietary Froot formula under lock and key, he’s finally delving into the world of known flora for flavoring his ambiguously fruity products. Granted, it’s a baby step: the only “Wild Berry” specifically referenced on the box is a raspberry (and even that could be a convincing Swedish Gummy Berry). But that still brings us one step closer to convincing old Toucan Samuel just what exotic, deserted island fruit he uses to make normal Froot Loops.

Because once he opens his beak, the rests of us can cultivate Froot plants at home, and bake Froot Pies, which we all know is what the All-American Apple Pie™ was destined to evolve into.

But before we extend the 4th of July to a two-day holiday to celebrate, let’s humor Toucan Sam by trying his Wild Berry Froot Loops. Will they be an interestingly exotic cousin of the original Loops, or some sort of bizarro evil twin who I’ll have to send back to the wild wild shadow realm with the blunt end of a shovel?

Let’s find out!

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Uncategorized. 2 Comments

May. ’18

Review: Pop-Tarts Sugar Cookie & Brownie Batter Splitz

You can’t just slap two things together and expect it to be delicious. As a midnight pantry plunderer since a young age, I’ve learned this the hard way. Because it’s a slippery slope. First there’s peanut butter and honey sandwiches, then there’s peanut butter and pickles.

Before long, you’ve branched out into condiments and there’s ketchup on your Cheetos and popcorn. Shame not the boy I was: admire the man it hardened me into.

The first of Pop-Tarts’ two* new** Splitz varieties is far less risky—sugar cookies and brownies are long-time alumni of Grandma’s Dessert Table University—but it doesn’t necessarily mean the two are better together.

I mean, one was voted Most Creative (because of the icing) and the other was voted Biggest Stoner.

Of course, the only way to test these two’s flavor chemistry is to hunker down on the couch with a box and hope my pants down split three pastries later. A paramedic with a sewing machine is on hand.

*The other is Strawberry Cheesecake.

*Not entirely new: P-T Splitz were born and killed a decade ago in more boring flavors.

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews, Uncategorized. Tags: 7 rating, chocolate, kelloggs, pop-tarts. 1 Comment

May. ’18

Coming Soon: Reese’s Puffs Peanut Butter Bats!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BipypoanM5Y/

It’s the Reese’s. They’re…they’re learning.

Elon Musk may fear humanity’s demise at the hand’s of a hostile AI, but I think we should be more afraid of Reese’s. More and more, their chocolate peanut butter legion is beginning to spread like a delicious zombie virus.

See, we started with the humble Reese’s Cup—that’s fine. Heck, it’s darn fine. But before long, strange mutations happened. Reese’s Eggs. Reese’s Trees. Reese’s Footballs. Odd offshoots of the original’s malleable shell and oiled peanut butter that produced shapes far stronger in flavor than their predecessors.

And then things went Nutrageous, with Reese’s Pieces stuffed in mini cups, crunchy cookies, and even a cereal. But now Reese’s Puffs is undergoing shape mutations of its own: first we saw Reese’s Puffs Bunnies, and now the CDC (Center for Deliciousness Control) has confirmed via @markie_devo that Bats are on the way for Halloweentime, too.

How long before they start stuffing Reese’s Pieces in our breakfast, too?

All peanut buttered apocalypses aside, I’m excited to see if these redistribute the cereal’s powdered flavor like the Bunnies did. And now that I think about it, I should stockpile some of those crunchy rabbits now, so I can genetically splice them with the Bats come October.

If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em!

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: general mills, reese's puffs. 3 Comments