— Cerealously 🥛🥣 (@cerealouslynet) May 4, 2018
This is less of a post and more of a “hey you should look at this and freak out with me” update, so…
You should look at this and freak out with me.
I’ve been wanting Golden Oreo O’s and a Nilla Wafer Cereal for years, but this banana pudding element is a surge of adrenaline straight to my Dunk-a-roo icing-encrusted heart. Post: bless you. The rest of you: let’s run really fast in one direction to accelerate Earth’s rotation and make June happen sooner.
Malt-O-Meal definitely lives in an alternate universe—an alternate timeline, if you will. In this version of breakfast reality, Cookie Crisp was less corny, Count Chocula never changed after the ’90s, and Post didn’t release Oreo O’s first—that’s like America losing the Space Race!
Oh, and French Toast Crunch’s squared form survived Y2K.
What do I mean? Well if you recall, French Toast Crunch—the clear ancestor of Malt-O-Meal’s French Toasters—started as bread shapes, changed to curved, Cinnamon Toast Crunch-like swirled squares, then disappeared (or at least disappeared to the Canadian tundras, where they remained available through 2012) until their 2015 rebirth. Yet now, here’s French Toast Crunch bizarro cousin, keeping tradition alive.
It took me too long to find this cereal (it came out a year ago—but my stores haven’t carried it until now. I blame the second coming of bread-shaped cereals), so I’m looking forward to some closure on my search for: it’s time to see if F. T. Crunch’s dark reflection (and I mean that in the best way) can keep its flavor modern.
It mayonly be May, but where I live, the groundhog-empowered, seemingly never-ending winter has so quickly given way to a summery heatwave that spring is but a…wait, what’s spring again? Some sort of stacked potato chip, right?
Sorry if the heat has jumbled my neural circuitry a bit—everyone knows that doing something as simple as calling for a cable appointment in A/C-less heat is frustrating enough to leave Dante quivering. I’m trying to self-medicate with fans at turbine speed and frozen vegetables to the cranium, but thanks to Blue Bunny, I can take my medicine by mouth.
The ice cream brand’s newest Mini Swirls—fancy name for cones the size (and shape) of a witch’s bird-flipping finger—is exciting enough to bring frozen scooped desserts back to this blog. They rarely appear due to my mild lactose intolerance, but I’ll make exceptions for things like corn-flaked Oreos.
Aptly titled “Cinnamon Cereal” these waffle cones—which are small enough to comfortably clasp (like a pencil) and eat (not like a pencil)—are topped with ice cream, a vanilla coating, and knock-off Cinnamon Toast Crunch. We’ll call it Cinnamon Broast Munch.
I love cutting out the middle man—or in the case of this Cinnamon Toast Crunch-inspired chocolate bar, cartoon baker.
See, when I eat a healthy(ish) cereal like Trader Joe’s Crunchy Cinnamon Squares, I like to reward myself for making good decisions. I don’t go overboard, and I always aim for balance: I’ll top my hot dogs with pizza (a vegetable), put extra syrup (made from trees!) on my pancakes, or I’ll eat a dozen fun-sized candy bars.
(As they’re objectively the least fun candy bar size, I’m doing the world a favor.)
But now thanks to Trader Joe, I don’t have to waste time between snack(ish) and treat, time that I’d just waste breathing, walking, or *shudder* exercising. By merging their pretty-good Crunchy Cinnamon Squared into an appropriately squared milk chocolate bar, TJ’s has radically optimized my calories-per-minute stats.
No more Homemade Double Decker Mayonnaise Oreos for this happy fella! Continue reading →
As you can obviously tell by these obviously real and totally classic flavor combos, pairing chickpeas with sweet flavor is a totally normal and not eyebrow-raising thing to do. I mean, why else would Trader Joe’s make a chickpea, corn, and rice flour cereal flavored with maple syrup? People have definitely probably maybe been roasting garbanzo beans in whipped cream for centuries!
In all seriousness, once you get over the novelty of this psyllium-rich, gluten-free cereal’s ingredients, the more baffling question is: why ladders? Trader Joe’s site poses this explanation:
“Does every morning feel like an uphill climb? Is breakfast a bore, a chore, or—worse—a battle? We hear you. In fact, we’ve been there. So, to help make that sluggish, uphill climb feel more like a victorious ascent, we’ve created another great breakfast cereal.”
But that seems like a stretch to me. If they wanted to make a cereal shaped like something morning-friendly, they could have make crunchy coffee cups, chewy snooze alarms, or crispy traffic-free commutes. But no, instead we have these ladders, which look like modernized Graham Crackos that migrated to Canada.* As a certified maple fanatic who is seriously considering a French Toast Crunch tattoo, I’m ready to see if these ladders can climb up to my lofty standards. Continue reading →
If you need a minute to process the title you just read, feel free to step outside, have a deep breath/smoke/Tums, or maybe just scream “It’s my money, and I need to spend it on cereal now!”
Yes, it’s not often we get an unexpected cereal bomb like the one Kellogg’s just dropped. Rumors about Wild Berry Froot Loops, Banana Raisin Bran, and Vanilla Latte Mini-Wheats have been swirling around the internet recently, but now that we have photo confirmation from markie_devo on Instagram, we’re free to let our country divide itself into a three-party system about which flavor will be best. Continue reading →
Toucan Sam himself always told kids to “follow your nose!” And I’m glad he did, because I’ve got a good nose for B.S. (Bumbling Shenanigans).
What do I mean by this? Oh, just the last 5/11 of Steak ‘n Shake’s name. For a place that prides itself on its arctic milk products, presumably made by milking polar bears, a lot of Steak ‘n Shake’s milkshakes seem a little lazy—almost as lazy as putting only one apostrophe on a truncated conjunction that deserves two.
But that’s none of my fast food business, I say while sipping a milkshake like it’s hot tea.
The shakes, on the other hand, are my bloggerly business, and time and time again, I’ve been disappointed by S&S shakes that don’t make the most of their ingredients, instead seemingly dusting chunks of M&M’s, Kit Kats, Cocoa Krispies, or otherwise, when the more logical thing to use would be a flavored ice cream base.
This is why I’m remaining tentatively skeptical of the chain’s new Froot Loops Shake: joining a quintet of other breakfast flavors, this dairy concoction is far from daring. Not only has it been done before, but this Froot Loops Shake has huge talons to fill, as last year’s Burger King Froot Loops Shake was a fantastic tropical elixir infused with magical cereal syrup.
I don’t expect Steak ‘n Shake to use fancy strawberry ice cream or anything, but are a few pumps of mysterious fruit goo too much to ask? Continue reading →
Look, I know weather is bad every where, but I think any of my fellow Midwesterners can agree that these past two months of “spring” have been a bigger tease than my school bullies after I admitted I liked Neopets.
So while Michigan’s climate has been clenching my seasonally affected spirits in its mittened clutches, I think we’re finally over the worst of it. While I happily sweated through my local Meijer, I appropriately saw a beacon of true Spring: like a prancing baby deer, chirping robin, or one of those awful stink trees—you know, the ones that smell like a damp Filet-O-Fish that got kicked under a rotten couch—a seasonal cereal like these new Spring colored Rice Krispies are harbingers of happy times, times when I don’t need to sleep inside a Tauntaun to feel comfortable.
While new to the States, these blue and green Rice Krispies have been released in Canada before. And while I’m not sure exactly what its colors are trying to connote—robin’s eggs in a tree? oceanic algae? the Blue Man Group on St. Patrick’s Day?—I do know one thing for sure: seeing newly animated Snap, Crackle, and Pop in bunny ears seems like a good prompt for a Silent Hill fan fiction.
Featuring my favorite OC of course: Food Pyramid Head.
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