Author Archives: jared m.

Review: Trader Joe’s Caramel Apple Flavored Granola

2018 has been weird. Here at the C.R.U.N.C.H. Tactical Headquarters (Cerealously Research Unified Network for Communications and Hijinks), there’s an eerie calm this Halloween season. As the big Monster Cereals anniversary coincides with Kellogg’s spoony decision to again throw down the gauntlet-shaped marbit, I at least expected to see some excitement. And yet most major news has centered on either the Festivus season or Pop-Tarts’ yeasty second rise to prominence.

So without much in the way of fresh Halloween bowls to plunder, my autumn-obsessed gaze turns to secondary flavors. Just like how Charlie Brown’s Christmas and Great Pumpkin escapades eclipse the rest of his oeuvre (I’ll always remember you, It’s Dental Flossophy, Charlie Brown), certain taste profiles are overshadowed by pumpkin spice’s ubiquity. But what’s a hayride at the pumpkin patch without cider and caramel apples? A new challenger approaches, and it has seriously rosy cheeks.

Trader Joe’s Caramel Apple Flavored Granola makes a bold promise. Cinnamon apple is one thing, but caramel? Joe may have gotten himself into a sticky situation. Reviews like this can result in quite a pun-undrum.

Yep, that just happened. Continue reading →

Posted by jared m.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, apple, caramel, granola, trader joe's. 1 Comment

Oct. ’18

Review: Trader Joe’s Hot Cocoa Frosted Toaster Pastries

If bizarre sci-fi television series from the ’90s have taught me anything, it’s that there are parallel versions of this world couched in other universes. Some have minor differences, like a perplexing land in which Thanksgiving is celebrated in October. In others, though, we might see some truly uncanny results of the Butterfly Effect. It seems Trader Joe’s mad scientist cousin (unlike Trader José, Dr. Trader Cornelius lacked the name chops for his family’s grocery biz) has been messing with enriched choclanium again, because my preferred cozy beverage has merged with another snackish reality, just like that time Captain America met Batman.

Trader Joe’s Organic Hot Cocoa Frosted Toaster Pastries arrived as something of a dark horse (see, it works as a reference to both comic books and chocolate… I’m a lonely man, OK?). Without much heralding, these sly slats of sweet science turned up on shelves recently, if a bit out-of-season given their clear holiday vibe. The packaging is plain in that TJ’s way, so we get no hints on the flavor there. Best to dive in and see what’s on the other end of this iced nexus.

Continue reading →

Posted by jared m.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, holiday, hot cocoa, pop-tarts, trader joe's. 2 Comments

Sep. ’18

Guest Review: Hardee’s & Carls Jr. Froot Loops Mini Donuts

There’s a billboard just down the road from my local Carl’s Jr. that posits “Love is great, but food never broke my heart.”

Lies! You see, Hardee’s (who moonlights as Carl’s Jr. due to a grill experiment gone deliciously awry) was my tribe’s preferred burger joint back in the ’90s, when everything was better, from radio to the base grain of certain eagerly-anticipated monster-themed cereals. Family trips to Hardee’s were highlighted by curly fries. Sure, other chains had them (you’re a champ for sticking with it, Arby’s!), but the perfect blend of peppery orange curls came from the only chain bold enough to combine Apollo 13 with POGs. Sadly, much like that gravity-bending collab, curly fries were lost to fast food lore when Carl’s Jr. married into the clan.

So (artificially) color me surprised that you’re-not-my-real-dad’s counter-service conservatism was repealed for a moment to make way for Froot Loops…donuts?! That’s right, just as Kellogg’s cereals are striking back against the General Mills Halloween empire, those neon-hued rebels are also coming for your throne, Little Debbie. And if the Wars taught us anything, it’s that you shouldn’t underestimate the power of small, bright green packages. Continue reading →

Posted by jared m.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, froot loops, non cereal. 4 Comments