Category Archives: Reviews

Review: Three Wishes Cocoa Cereal

Three Wishes Cocoa Cereal Review Box

There are a lot of tough jobs in this world: oil rig worker, skyscraper window washer, lumberjack. But if we’re talking about a real David vs. Goliath battle of wits and resources, being an indie cereal maker is a profession where you have to overcome a lot of lopsided odds. Trying to market a new breakfast product against multi-billion dollar corporate behemoths like General Mills or Kellogg’s means accepting that your product will have to cost more and work harder without decades of brand recognition and cheap, bulk ingredients.

This is naturally why many independent cereal companies target their own niche of cereal consumers. Since the world’s cereal giants usually lack truly wholesome releases for those eating low carb, high protein, gluten-free or organic diets, we’ve seen any number of specialty or boutique breakfast startups offering cereals that are theoretically more healthy than any Special K or Kashi product.

From Magic Spoon and Cereal School to OffLimits and Three Wishes, there’s a lot of growing competition in the specialty cereal game. So how do you tell them apart? Well, for me it all comes down to the base grain*, which I’ve asterisked because several of these use grain alternatives like tapioca flour or chicory root fiber. If you read my first review of Three Wishes Cereal, where I covered their three introductory flavors, I noted how they perform a lot better in the base grain camp.

Does their newest release measure up? Let’s find out in three (wishes), two (wishes), one (wish)… Continue reading

Review: Minecraft Creeper Crunch Cereal

Minecraft Creeper Crunch Cereal Review - Box

If you came to this page in hopes of finding the Minecraft Creeper Crunch Cereal review with the fewest cheeky nods to the game, you’re in luck! Minecraft Creeper Crunch Cereal (surprisingly) deserves more respect than that. So I won’t be telling you how its “goodness creeps up on you,” how you “really should fill up a bucket of it,” nor how much I’d love to “swim in a swampy biome of it.”

Nope, just straight facts from here on out, promise: Minecraft Creeper Crunch is the latest in a long line of Kellogg’s licensed cereals following a similar squares-‘n’-marbits formula. From Frozen Cereal to Finding Dory Cereal, this is as inoffensive and forgettable as licensed cereals get, which may not sound great, but the bar for movie tie-in releases is set lower than bed—I can’t. Don’t make me say it.

Bedroc—

No. Enough is enough. The point is that, since Kellogg’s cereals of this breed actually use oat flour in their little squared circles, they’re just barely within spitting distance of Lucky Charms in terms of how good an oats with marshmallows cereal can be. All they were missing was an it factor. A flavor nebula unexplored by man or leprechaun. And yes, Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms happened, but the cheap vanilla only cut the cinnamon’s potency. No, Minecraft Creeper Crunch is a pure cinnamon and marshmallows cereal, baby. 

Minecraft Creeper Crunch Cereal Review

Now before you go correcting me on the uniqueness of a cinnamon-marshmallow cereal, I’ll clarify: corn-based Marshmallow Apple Jacks cannot hang, But you are right, in that there is an old cereal worth comparing with Minecraft Cereal.

Can you guess it?

Continue reading

Review: Funfetti Cereal

New Funfetti Cereal Review Box

I Turned [REDACTED] And All I Got For My Birthday Was This Lousy Cake Cereal

Well of course, this isn’t entirely true—I also got a heck of a champagne headache and a long arm scratch from a cat who wasn’t as playful as I was. But nevertheless, the highest peaks of yesterday’s celebrations had nothing to do with the trough-full of sugary spheres that happened to make an incidental appearance.

Maybe I’m spoiling this review by leaking my distaste for Funfetti Cereal, but hey: it’s my post-party and I can post what I want to. Plus, I have yet to be impressed by a cereal marketed as vanilla or birthday cake, so my only scant hope for Funfetti Cereal was that—since no one really knows who’s manufacturing the cereal—it could crumb out of left field with, oh, I don’t know, actual freeze-dried frosting piped into every puff or something. As I mentioned in my news post on this cereal, the Funfetti and Pillsbury branding is a bit confusing. You’d expect General Mills to be behind this, but they only own the rights to Pillsbury cookies, biscuits, cinnamon rolls, etc., not Funfetti or other dry baking mixes.

So who’s actually behind this confetti-caked crunch fest? And is it even worth finding out? Continue reading

Review: Pillsbury S’Mores Golden Grahams Toaster Strudel

New Pillsbury S'Mores Golden Grahams Toaster Strudel Review - Box

P. is for pouches, they’re foiled & grand!
O. is for OH YES!, my response to the brand.
P. is for pouches, c’mon can’t you read?
– is the hyphenated joy of a fast feed.
T. is for toasted, as all Tarts should be.
A. is for awesome, this crust fills me with glee!
R. is for Raspberry, the worst compared to Strawberry.
T. is for the filling: is it good? My answer: very.
S. is for sweet icing, a true sort of edible art.

And those, my friends, are the reasons I love Pop-Tarts.

Okay phew, I’ve put the Kellogg’s execs reading this to sleep: now let’s talk about how good these Toaster Strudels are.

Sure, I’ll be the first to admit that I have very little Toaster Strudel experience. I grew up on P-T (which is, in a sense, the opposite of P.T. the game), and with that kind of lifelong conditioning, anything more than tearing open a crumb-spewing pouch with the elegance of a resident campsite raccoon feels like too much work to get a toaster pastry in my stomach.

But if there’s one flavor I’d move mountains for—assuming there’s a rich vein of graham’d ore to suckle beneath them—it’s Golden Grahams. Though I have no proof of this, Golden Grahams seems to be the most popular cereal that never gets flavor variants, despite how obvious the possibilities are. Perhaps this is just a testament to Golden Graham’s chaste and pure breakfast beauty, but with a bunch of other s’mores cereals out there using Golden Grahams-esque pieces, it’s kind of strange that the General Mills brand has only given Golden Grahams the S’Mores treatment in cereal bars and now flaky strudels—maybe when GM’s legendary S’Mores Crunch was discontinued way back, the S’Morecerer casted an unbreakable “do nut resuscitate” spell in retaliation.

Unblazed cereal frontiers aside, I’m excited to get my large rectangular graham on, a little thicker than usual. Continue reading

Quick Review: Tropical Froot Loops (2020)

2020 Tropical Froot Loops Box Cereal Review

There are many harsh truths in this world: nothing is fair, some people genetically can’t enjoy cilantro, and they’re just going to keep putting tags on shirts even though a flappy piece of rough fabric slapping your tender neck seems like an antithetical idea when considering the purpose of clothing.

Oh, and one more: there can only be one Froot Loops. The rest must be considered “Worse Loops.”

I’ve reviewed Tropical Froot Loops once already, so I will keep this quick. As my Empty Bowl cohost Justin accurately states, these deserve the title of “Froot Loops,” while the O.G. stuff can crawl back under whatever lab-synthesized schnozzberry bush they came from. But did the full cornucopia of goodness found in the once Mexico-exclusive Tropical Froot Loops survive their flight north for the summer?

Well seem to think so. Justin disagreed in our latest episode, but if my discerning taste buds weren’t able to detect a difference in Kellogg’s localized Loops, I doubt most people will have a problem. Mostly because, if you never tried (i.e. spent $20–$30 to import) Mexican Tropical Froot Loops when they came out, you’ll be too enchanted by this island time experience to get granularly critical. Continue reading

Review: Dunkin’ Donuts Cereal – Caramel Macchiato & Mocha Latte

New Dunkin' Cereal Review

Not since the egg predated the chicken has such a causality dilemma been posed: “but first, cereal” or “but first, coffee”? I’m sure you’ve seen the latter phrase emblazoned on countless Etsy shirts and flea market embroideries—right next to the Live, Laugh, Love pillows and fat chicken kitchen décor—but with cereal serving as a perfect toothsome preface to just about any activity, sometimes one can face cognitive gridlock when forced to choose between a warm mugful and a cold-milked bowlful.

But worry no longer, crunchy koan ponderers, because Post & Dunkin’ have teamed up to reanimate the Donut-slinging brand’s cereal division, which has laid dormant since Ralston stopped making their chocolate and glazed goodies in the late ’80s. Granted, these two new cereals are based on coffee drinks rather than doughnuts, but that simply gives you an excuse to dunk a real cruller in your caffeinated cereal endmilk.

Yes, it is this last point that makes Dunkin’ cereals so significant—there have been mainstream coffee-flavored cereals before, but none that dared bring real bouncy bean juice into a supermarket aisle already known for sugar-rushing young kids: the last demographic that needs more energy. Sure, Dunkin’ cereals only contain 1/10th the caffeine of a cup of coffee per serving, but if my own childhood cereal consumption velocity is any indication, those perky percentiles will add up fast—the length of a single SpongeBob episode kind of fast.

But enough pep talk, let’s simultaneously eat and drink our breakfast. Continue reading

Review: South Korean Green Onion Chex Cereal

South Korean Green Onion Chex Cereal Review Box

DON’T READ THIS.

Remember all those chain letters from the internet’s gullible youth that would start in largely the same way, threatening that if you don’t, say, send this cereal review to 10 other people, Chaka the ogreish Chex piece will sneak into your room at 3a.m. tonight and belch directly into your mouth?

That’s exactly how cursed Kellogg’s of South Korea’s Green Onion Chex Cereal feels. If you aren’t familiar with why this cereal exists, trust me: there’s no way its taste could be more interesting than its origin story, so I suggest you read my first post on the topic before continuing. But even though it’s a great tale, I’m no longer convinced it’s more than a government coverup. Kellogg’s SK may claim that their 2004 mock election between double-chocolate Cheky and green onion Chaka—the latter of whom won the popular vote in a landslide thanks to online agitators—was rigged so kids could enjoy the chocolatey cereal they’d already planned, I think the truth could be more sinister. Perhaps, after Chaka won and Kellogg’s decided to craft a Green Onion Chex, the end result was a substance so foreboding and oppressive that they had to seal it away like an unspeakable eldritch horror.

And now, after 16 years, they aren’t charitably making up for an earlier snub. No, they’re doing damage control: the dormant Chaka’s slumber has been disturbed by 2020’s various…2020isms…and now much like Rita Repulsa, he’s finally free to conquer Earth with his many layers of cross-hatched crunchy creepiness.

Is that to say Green Onion Chex tastes bad? Well, the answer isn’t cut and dry. More like, “cut and watch your eyes water right into the bowl.” Continue reading

Review: H-E-B Cerealology (x9!)

H-E-B Cerealology Review - Boxes

If you thought the name “Cerealously” was a real mouthful—which should really be the site’s official slogan—well there’s a new toothsome, tongue-twisting portmanteau in town. That is, if your town falls anywhere in the Lone Star State.

While they may not be entirely new, H-E-B’s distinct and diverse line of “Cerealology” chef-inspired cereals/granolas are certainly new to me. With huge thanks to Empty Bowl listener Douglas, who not only sent me all of the above cereals but a box of Lactaid for my lactose-hating stomach as well, I can now try H-E-B’s whole crunch-ography for myself. And with a whole bunch of exciting names, with innovative mix-ins never before seen in cereal history, this geologically vast study of Cerealology is sure to turn up at least a few lovingly pressurized gems.

Since I’ve got enough cereal here to feed a lecture hall of hangry biology students, I’m going to try to be succinct when reviewing each Cerealology flavor. So grab your milk-colored lab coats and a microscopic spoon, because we’re about to be munching and mulling at a molecular level. Continue reading