Category Archives: Reviews

Review: Jolly Rancher Cereal

Poll 100 full panels of 100 Family Feud survey respondents, and I sincerely doubt, with every last drop of mouthwater I have ready to dribble, that anyone would choose Jolly Rancher as the candy most deserving of a breakfast cereal.

I mean, first of all, Jolly Ranchers are popular for having several distinct, atomically potent candy flavors—each a strong personality that threatens to react with combustive volatility if kept too close to another. Second of all, they’re just not that great. Sure, I have a soft spot for the Blue Raspberry Jolly Ranchers I used to melt raw spots in my tender palate, but put these glossy little cylinders next to just about any chocolate candy and I’d feed every Jolly Rancher on Earth to a cabal of feral hogs if it meant getting a Three Musketeers Cereal with freeze-dried nougat.

But I get it: General Mills is clearly trying to get the most money possible out of their Hershey brand partnership. And even though competitor Kellogg’s is probably chuckling with knowing condescension at General Mills for picking up a brand that produced one of the worst Pop-Tarts crossovers, here I sit with a box of Jolly Rancher Cereal regardless.

Clearly trying to ride the tattered coattails of one Sour Patch Kids Cereal—who left in its Warhead-impacted wake a sense of sour delirium surrounding tarter cereals. But does Jolly Rancher Cereal deserve the same sort of hype-worthy hysteria? I’ve got mistletoe on hand, so it’s time to pucker up. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: apple, general mills. 11 Comments

Dec. ’19

Review: Malt-O-Meal Blueberry Muffin Toasters

Lucky Charms? Frosted Flakes? Honey Bunches of Oats?

Sure, they’re classic cereals, but are they legends? You can’t have a myth without the mythology, nor a hero without an origin story. And I’m not talking about internally manufactured lore—no matter how good the Cap’n Crunch Extended Universe is. No, the cereals whose legacies will endure the eventual expiration of every earthly trademark will be the ones who moved people. The cereals that collided with culture without significant marketing spin.

I’m talkin’ Oreo O’s, which endured an enigmatic purgatory of legalese by seeking refuge in South Korea.

I’m talkin’ Honeycomb, whose formula change revealed that not only do people not want all-natural flavoring in classic cereals, but they don’t want it so hard that they’ll rally with the vitriol of a bloodlusted Crazy Craving.

And I’m talkin’ Blueberry Muffin Tops, a cereal that launched an outlandish, fan-driven convention spectacle. At that time, Blueberry Muffin Tops was at the cult-favorite cusp between its 2004 introduction and 2016ish disappearance. Back then, before it was bought out by Post, Malt-O-Meal had a much harsher (thought largely unfounded) reputation for selling cheap cereal bootlegs in bulk without a granule of originality. But Blueberry Muffin Tops was a breath of freshly Ziploc’d air. We’re spoiled for choice now, but years ago a craving for blueberry breakfast cereals forced a choice between Blueberry Mini-Wheats (boring), waiting ’til October for Boo Berry (boo-ring), and Post’s Blueberry Morning—which, to be fair, is pretty great, but without word-of-mouth recommendation it just looks like another boring ‘healthy’ cereal.

Blueberry Muffin Tops solved that crisis with its unrestrained, shameless sugary goodness. And while it was discontinued due to a lack of consumer demand, BMT’s everlasting appeal has resurged to the point that Malt-O-Meal, no doubt buoyed by Post’s greater capacity for potential failure, is rebirthing them as Blueberry Muffin Toasters, most likely to make them gel with their larger line of Toast Crunch taste-alikes, but also hopefully because M-O-M doesn’t want to give anyone the wrong idea about bringing back low-rise jeans.

May they be lowered to the deepest drop-crotch of hell. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: blueberry, malt-o-meal. 8 Comments

Dec. ’19

“Review:” Honey Nut Cheerios with Happy Heart Shapes

Would it be wrong to automatically give this cereal a 1 or 2 out of 10 without trying it? I mean, it’s the edible definition of <3.

And yet, this review need not include much critical thought at all, as it’s more of a news post with photographic evidence. To illustrate Honey Nut Cheerios’ heart-healthy commitment, General Mills is releasing these Happy Heart Shape boxes starting next month. You’d think this would be a Valentine’s Day promo to give to your sweetheart, but Buzz the Bee would prefer if you used chunks of ivory to grind it to an acidic pulp and pump the spoils into your beatin’ heart. Romantic, right?

Of course, these Honeypie Cheerios don’t taste any different than the regular rings. In fact, only like 30-50% of the pieces are even heart shaped, making them look more like, um, naturally endowed thiccheerios. Worth a kiss on the cheek, right?

If you already love Honey Nut Cheerios, this charming novelty is probably worth it for the cuteness factor. Otherwise, there’s nothing HNC can do that Honey ‘N Oats Cheerios Oat Crunch can’t do better. Buzz the Bee may have my heart, but those granola shards have my soul.

The Bottom Line: 8 gloateous maximuses out of 10

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: cheerios, general mills, honey. 3 Comments

Dec. ’19

Review: Honey ‘N Oats Cheerios Oat Crunch

Okay, if we assume the “many universes” theory is true, where do you think ours falls on the continuum of greatness? Like I get that having a hospitable planet and intelligent life in itself would probably land us in the top quartile, and since there are any trillions of universes where humans just said nahhh to agriculture, we’re pretty darn lucky to even have cereal instead of Mutton Munchies by the hunted and gathered bowlful.

But is it wrong to long for a vacation to one of those slightly rosier neighboring timelines? You know, one where I don’t have the “cilantro tastes like soap” gene? Or the one where I actually am the omnipotent cereal deity old people in the comments section tend to think I am (NO I STILL CAN’T FIX ALPHA-BITS)?

Heck, I’d even settle for a very small ask: A world where Honey ‘N Oats Cheerios Oat Crunch is Honey Nut Cheerios. Like, the latter never existed. That’s how good this Oat Crunch is. At that point I wouldn’t need cilantro or soap!

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: cheerios, cinnamon, general mills. 4 Comments

Dec. ’19

Review: Three Wishes Cereal (Three Flavors!)

More wishes. Boom, that was easy. And for the other two, bring back Waffle Crisp and the phrase “how’s tricks?” but don’t let the Trix Rabbit trademark it. Thanks.

Oh, wait, you weren’t asking, were you?

I wish you would’ve told me. But while my dreams of a colloquial world seen through amber-tinted glasses may have to wait, I’ll instead get the three wishes I’d never ask for out loud, but which will still appear under my Christmas tree between the socks and the Seinfeld box set (you can never have too many): a healthy cereal, that’s made by a small family, without the primary benefit being fiber content so high it’d give my small intestine a 1000mb/s connection.

Three Wishes is a newcomer in a specialty cereal niche that seeks to challenge the highs and lows of the low-sugar/low-everthing category. Created by the Wishingrad family, Three Wishes Cereal offers enough healthy specifics that it’s easier to quote them than type ’em out myself: “Grain free, plant based, vegan cereals made from chickpeas and pea protein,” with “More protein, less sugar, zero grains,” plus “No peanuts, no corn, no wheat, no rice, no dairy, no oats, and no soy. Our cereals are Kosher, Non-GMO and gluten-free certified.”

But hey, I’m just the taste test jockey, so I’ll be giving the three-flavor variety pack they kindly sent me a layman’s perspective. Please note that I am not on any restricted diets, so while I will be honest when clarifying my thoughts compared to sugary mainstream cereals, those looking for a nutritionist’s opinion can take mine with a grain of anything but actual grain. Let’s go! Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: cinnamon, honey. Leave a comment

Dec. ’19

Review: Cereal Time Cereals – Season 2!

Following the heralding Thanks of this past week, the season of giving can truly commence. I see no better way to start than by giving Gabe Fonseca’s latest generously and genuinely cereal-smithed quartet of Cereal Time breakfast OCs.

If you haven’t already subscribed to Cereal Time on YouTube, I recommend it. Not only is it a great retrospective counterpart to the modern crunchy journalism done here, but Gabe is dedicated enough to the cereal craft to have helped me out innumerable times with cereal knowledge and memorabilia.

And then after that, he has the nerve to still be nice enough to create fully realized cereal properties and send them as gifts! In comparison, I’m the kind of Grinch that would give burnt Grape-Nuts hunks for Christmas. Nor is it the first time: Gabe’s first wave of creations spanned everything from Gracelandic nutter ‘nanners to unfiltered gingerbread ore.

But can Gabe’s second take on bespoke breakfasts live up to his own standards, or will I sophomore slump face-first into my Piña ColadO’s? Allow me to pop, Ziploc and drop the facts on you. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: cereal time, cheerios, rice krispies. 1 Comment

Nov. ’19

Review: Eggo Cereal (Homestyle Maple & Blueberry!)

Shhh! Here: take these black robes and put them on. Just don’t make a sound.

Tiptoe around the maple-scented candles and gather round the Ouija Griddle.

Tonight, we’re going to try and summon Waffle Crisp from the grave.

…

Zounds! Foiled by Beelzegrub himself again! No matter how many boxes of Chicken & Waffles Cereal I sacrifice, the necromancers who dwell in the cursed ruins of Postopia never hear my cries. But all is not lost: my prayers have reached the GRRR-oaning orifices of the Kellogg’s Leviathan, who have rewarded my syrupy blood magics with two boxes of Eggo Cereal. All it took was 10,000 people to discard their souls and retweet the demands of their branded overlords.

But nevertheless, Eggo Cereal is back after 7 years spent in eggs-in-purgatory—in both Maple and Blueberry, at that. But is it a worthy successor to our dearly departed dark amber lord? Allow me to retrieve my devilish pitch-spork and find out. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: blueberry, kellogg's, maple. 6 Comments

Nov. ’19

Review: Hostess Twinkies Cereal

There is a new cereal dichotomy blooming before our very tongues. If it comes to civil war, whose side will you be on?

The monolithic masses of the Kellogg’s Krusaders, their defenses made impenetrable and especially unpalatable by pounds of cushiony, bland corn ‘n’ sugar rings?

Or the silent-but-growing cabal of crunchily dusted Powdered Paladins, whose cereals are equally sweet, but, you know, actually good?

Yeah, the choice is pretty obvious: with the Economically Chintzy Empire, we get Baby Sharks and celebratory man-birds. Neither is fit for battle—unless Kellogg’s brings in a Caticorn that’s actually equine in stature—against the trustiest, dustiest and most delectable division led by Powdered Donettes Cereal, with Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch and Chocolate Peanut Butter Cheerios as its right- and left-hand confidants. Honestly: if you did a cross-comparison between Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch and Kellogg’s Elf on the Shelf Sugar Cookie Cereal, you’d find a certain starry sugar-corn Rehash in the Trash, where it so boldly and brashly deserves to be.

I also know that overly flavor-powdered cereals can be divisive, as revealed by the internet’s violently split opinion on Frosted G.O.A.T.nettes—err, I mean Donettes, of course. So will this camp be pleased or feel sucker-punched by Twinkies Cereal, the latest dusted cake-crop in Hostess’ Cereal line? The answer is only a bowlful of crème larvae away: Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, Hostess, post. 1 Comment