Category Archives: Reviews

Review: Kroger Peanut Butter Chip Mates Cereal

Seriously guys, we have to talk about Peanut Butter Chip Mates.

Generic brand cereals are often seen as the crunchy butts of every breakfast table joke (I just wanted to type the phrase “crunchy butts”). Even though they are the breakfast of champions on a budget, these obvious rip-offs have goofy names like “Honey-Nut Scooters” and “Crispy Hexagons,” as well as sub-par flavors that melt away faster than a muffin in a rainstorm.

And yes, I’ve seen a muffin in a rainstorm before. It ain’t pretty.

But not Peanut Butter Chip Mates. No, Peanut Butter Chip Mates doesn’t need your pity, nor will it ask for it.

Peanut Butter Chip Mates is here to slap those preconceived notions about store brand cereals right out of you.

Peanut Butter Chip Mates is here to slap you so full of doughy peanut butter cookie flavor that you’ll be on your knees in front of a box of Marshmallow Mateys, begging for forgiveness. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 9 rating, generic cereal, kroger, peanut butter. 4 Comments

Mar. ’16

Review: Kellogg’s Finding Dory Cereal

Just keep staring. Just keep staring. Just keep staring.

…aaaand, I’m blind.

Photos don’t do it justice, but this box of Finding Dory cereal is bright. I think the shiny holographic box design could even bring down planes if angled correctly in the sunlight.

Your move, TSA.

In fact, the distracting solar flare of this cereal box is the only reason I’m reviewing it at all; I was attracted to it in the grocery store like a moth to a flame. Or perhaps like a guppy to an angler fish. Or maybe even like a kid to one of those oil puddles that reflects neat rainbows.

I usually just sit back and make fun of generic oats and marshmallows movie tie-in cereals, but truth be told, I haven’t actually tried one in awhile. Maybe my laughter is unwarranted. Maybe there’s a tasty reason Kellogg’s has rehashed this formula time and time again.

So here’s your shot, Kellogg’s. Dazzle me with that Pixar magic. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 6 rating, kelloggs, movie cereals. 3 Comments

Feb. ’16

Review: Kashi GoLean Dark Chocolate Cashew Chia Plant-Powered Bar

I find the concept of breakfast bars to be fascinating. All the magic of cereal distilled and molded like sugary Play-Doh into portable, rectangular chunks? They’re the next best thing to carrying around a heart-shaped locket with Toucan Sam’s face inside.

At the same time, I yearn for a simpler era of breakfast bars. I yearn for the days when our only option was bits of actual cereal haphazardly Elmer’s glued together by a sweet, gelatinous white goo that could somehow legally be called “milk.”

But now we live in an era of protein and quinoa and whatever the hell “activated almonds” are. So I’ll happily review one more Kashi Plant-Powered Bar, but I’ll do it with a nostalgic yearning for a simpler time—a time when I accepted a dare to eat just the milk layer of a cereal bar and spent the rest of the dazed afternoon unsure what century it was. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, cereal bars, kashi, non cereal. Leave a comment

Feb. ’16

Review: Kellogg’s Cinnabon Cereal

Just look at those swirls. Imagine them hypnotically spinning: spinning, twirling, and careening down into your cereal bowl.

You’re getting very, very hungry.

It’s been a relatively slow month for new cereal, so while I continue eagerly hunting for Post’s new Marshmallow Pebbles, I think it’s time I gave a cinnamon-seasoned cereal veteran a proper vetting.

And since the tempting spirals in this box of Kellogg’s Cinnabon cereal have been beckoning me like crunchy sirens for awhile now, they seem like good review candidates.

Maybe now I won’t have to eat bowls full of Taco Bell Cinnabon Delights and milk. I hear that’s how they finally killed Rasputin. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, cinnamon, kelloggs. 10 Comments

Feb. ’16

Review: Peace Cereal Maple Pecan Clusters & Flakes

Maplemania: a disease that has afflicted many, myself included. It’s native to Canada and and regions of Vermont, and symptoms of this affliction include relentless addiction to syrup-drenched pancakes, habitual licking of maple trees, and compulsive urges to bathe in tubs full of milk-soaked Waffle Crisp.

Recommended treatment is a continual IV drip of Grade A Dark Amber. Or, you know, maybe just a bowl of Peace Cereal’s Maple Pecan Clusters & Flakes cereal. The cereal claims to be flavored with real maple syrup, but will it properly sedate a maplemaniac like me?

For Mrs. Butterworth’s sake, we’d better hope so.

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 9 rating, attune foods, maple, peace cereal. 2 Comments

Feb. ’16

Review: Kashi GoLean Peanut Hemp Crunch Plant-Powered Bar

Imagine this “Choose Your Own Adventure:”

Your eyes jolt open. You feel more rested than usual, and as you look at the clock and experience a mild heart attack, you realize why—you slept through your alarm!

After dancing your way through a frantic shower (no one’ll notice the shampoo still dripping from your ears, right?) and flailing into dress clothes, you’re about ready to leave before you conclude that if you don’t grab some breakfast, your growling stomach might roar you off the side of the road.

Bursting into your pantry, you have three choices:

A) A bowl of Raisin Bran with milk (eaten with one hand on the steering wheel)

B) A slab of bacon (cooked on a portable skillet plugged into your cigarette lighter)

C) A Kashi GoLean Peanut Hemp Crunch Plant-Powered Bar

If you chose A or B, prepare for a tragic “THE END” to your milk-soaked adventure. But if you chose C like me, turn to the next page and we’ll see if our breakfast choice was any more satisfying than a roadside bacon grease third degree burn. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 5 rating, cereal bar, gluten free, kashi, non cereal. 2 Comments

Feb. ’16

Review: Nature Valley Honey Oat Clusters Cereal

Nature Valley is on a hot streak. With the delicious Chocolate Oat Clusters and Baked Oat Bites already under their granola-crumb encrusted belt, will Nature Valley be able to bowl a turkey, score a hat trick, and direct a fitting end to their trilogy of new 2016 cereals?

This box of Honey Oat Clusters holds the answer to that question. When I saw all three new Nature Valley Cereals, this one looked like the boring runt of the litter.

“It’s just a bootleg Honey Bunches of Oats,” said the youthful and ignorant Dan of two months ago. But after eating my first crunchy spoonful of this cereal, one thing has been made abundantly clear:

This ain’t your grandma’s Honey Bunches of Oats!
Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, general mills, nature valley. Leave a comment

Feb. ’16

Review: Sweet Home Farm Maple Pecan Granola

The year is 2066.

The Great Nut Pronunciation Civil War is in its darkest hour. The armies of “pih-cahn” are closing in on the forces of “pee-can.” There was once a small tribe of heretics who insisted it was “pee-khan,” but they were quickly laughed off the battlefield.

Both sides have been assaulted, both have been “a salted,” and the wise delegate Mr. Peanut refuses to mediate. But there is one things both camps can agree on.

Maple syrup glazed pecans taste really, really freaking good.

That being said, would Sweet House Farm’s Maple Pecan Granola be tasty enough to make peace between these fighters? To save our future world from being split in two like peanuts from their shell, I decided to find out. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, attune foods, granola, maple. 2 Comments