Review: Elf Cereal

Ahh, okay. The extended Elven cereal mythos is starting to make sense.

So seventeen years after the events depicted in the 2003 Will Ferrell holiday family comedy Elf, an unfleshed-out character tribe known as the South Pole Elves resurfaced in reality, when known Chaotic Neutral trickster archetype “Elf on the Shelf” escaped from an Antarctic prison, as described in my recent post on the Shelved Elf’s upcoming second cereal.

We can then assume that, since Buddy the Elf & the North Pole’s noble proletariat are the Nice List antithesis of Elf on the Shelf’s menacing malice, General Mills’ new Elf Cereal must be on a divine Clausian crusade to restore wholesome holiday energy to the breakfast table. I mean, why else would an Elf Cereal take nearly two decades to happen? And no, we don’t count the false prophet.

Personally, though I think Elf is a well-written Christmas movie, I’ve seen it enough times that my fanaticism for its fa-la-la follies tapered off after the first decade or so of annual airings. Nevertheless, I’ll be reviewing Elf Cereal, all maple-puffed and pine-mallowed, with the unbiased palate of a…

Line?

Yeah, from Elf, or at least Buddy’s Musical Christmas.

Uh.

The unbiased palate of a narwhal. Let’s move on. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: general mills, holiday, maple, movie cereals. 3 Comments

Oct. ’20

News: Elf on the Shelf Vanilla Candy Cane Cookie Cereal

Shhh!! Do not move. Do not say a word. Quietly read the words I’m about to present you: he’s in the room with you, right now. But he can’t see you if you remain still and silent, like Christmas Eve’s unstirred mouse.

The Elf on the Shelf feeds on fear. An animistic Yuletide talisman capable of movement speeds greater than SCP-173 when not in view, this guy was clearly deemed too dangerous for Santa’s workshop and sent to a maximum-security Antarctic prison, where he easily slipped past inattentive penguin guards to asexually multiply across shelves worldwide.

Okay fine, a lot of people love the Elf on the Shelf. I think he’s creepy. And that’s why he finds me delicious.

I’ll admit, when Kellogg’s first released Elf on the Shelf Sugar Cookie Cereal last year, I didn’t expect it to return for 2020—let alone with offspring. For while Elf on the Shelf Sugar Cookie Cereal is just alright, it’s no Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch and never will be.

However it’s sequel flavor sounds a bit more permafrost-breaking. As the first mint cereal without chocolate, Elf on the Shelf Vanilla Candy Cane Cookie Cereal brings back those familiar crunchy stars but swap out the boring white pill marbits for cute peppermint swirl ones. Given 2020’s tepid track record with vanilla cereals, I’m hesitant to say whether EotS VCCCC will actually be good, but I’m giving it points for originality regardless.

Expect to see both Elf on the Shelf cereals on, well, store shelves starting this month.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: holiday, kellogg's, mint, news, vanilla. 2 Comments

Oct. ’20

Spooned & Spotted: Frankford Fruity Pebbles White Chocolate Bunny

Speak of the deviled, egged or otherwise, and they shall appear.

Just days ago, I shared news of Frankford’s freshly debuted Fruity Pebbles Candy Bar, remarking how Easter 2020’s Froot Loops White Chocolate Bunny should’ve been a Trix Rabbit. Perhaps hearing my pleas and choosing to further spurn them, Frankford already has a Fruity Pebbles White Chocolate Bunny all hopped-up and ready to go for 2021.

Yes, as I begin to make plans to consider buying materials for my Halloween costume—Thanksgiving & Christmas mere glimmers in the inevitably grueling midwest winter ahead—cereal-loving confectioners are already going hare-brained over next spring. And though the chaotic nature of 2020 makes it hard to picture how next year will look or feel—let alone taste—at least we have one Fruitily Pebbled thing to look forward to.

Well, two.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: candy, easter, non cereal, pebbles, post. 1 Comment

Oct. ’20

Spooned & Spotted: Fruity Pebbles Candy Bar

https://www.instagram.com/p/CF6-64HhkPI/?utm_source=ig_embed

Finally, a Pebbles product for guys like me who detest the low-density, appetite-exacerbating composition of the cereals themselves. No longer will I have to eat three bowls of Fruity Pebbles just to feel them in my stomach: now I can insert a whole creamy bar of the stuff into my mouth like a Super Nintendo cartridge and call it a day.

Thanks to Candy Hunting and @andyjarnold, we now know that these King Size Fruity Pebbles Candy Bars are already available at Walmart: the appropriately King-Sized retailer that tends to reign over new cereal-adjacent exclusives. It’s unclear from this photo alone whether the Pebble-paved bar is made of white chocolate or just some cheap, abstract white sugar confection, but eagle-eyed, rabbit-eared readers may remember that Frankford also released a Froot Loops White Chocolate Easter Bunny earlier this year, so it seems they just swapped one fruity cereal brand for another here.

Wait a minute—hey Frankford, if you have leeway to partner with any cereal company, why wouldn’t you make a White Chocolate Trix Bunny?

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: non cereal, pebbles, post. 1 Comment

Oct. ’20

The Empty Bowl Episode Thirty-Nine: The Land of Milk & Golden Grahams Honey

Stressed? During this week of all weeks? Well color me surprised. I think surprise is an ethereal pink, right?

Either way, kiss your worries goodnight, goodbye, and good riddance, because Justin and I are back with the Thirty-Ninth episode of The Empty Bowl: a meditative podcast about cereal. And if you doubt we have the career experience in psycho–cereal sleep therapy, just know this is technically our second anniversary episode.

In this milestone of an episode, we get retrospective with General Mills, reveal the secret ingredient in Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies, and challenge you to provide any evidence that Granola Snacks really existed, or if I somehow tasted and photographed a lucid dream.

Is this week still weathering you? We’ve got a lot more rosy-eyed 30-minute dreamscapes at our Anchor hub. You can also follow along on Twitter, or send in a listener question. We can’t discuss or respond to every email, but each one colors me a deeper shade of surprised.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: empty bowl. 1 Comment

Sep. ’20

News: Chocolate Churro Cinnamon Toast Crunch

(Photo courtesy of Cereal Life)

That’s it, folks: I’m officially out of my element and not properly certified to dissect this news piece. It just feels like, after so many recent mutations within the Toast Crunch family—which is really more like a genus at this point—Toast Crunchology has become a discipline so complicated it requires a college degree to fully grasp the ecological, gastronomical, and heck, cosmological significance of Chocolate Churro Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Of course, the humorless reality is that this Chocolate Churro Toast Crunch is far from revolutionary. Just as regular Cinnamon Toast Crunch Churros tasted nearly identical to their square relatives, so too will Chocolate Churro Cinnamon Toast Crunch most likely adapt Chocolate Toast Crunch in a more tubular, crunchy, and palate-lancing shape.

Despite its not-too-surprising existence—a convenient clap-back to Chocolatey Churro Pop-Tarts, perhaps?—Chocolate Churro Toast Crunch is probably going to be pretty good, because Chocolate Toast Crunch and Cinnamon Toast Crunch Churros are also, well, pretty good. Congratulations, young Choco—Cinna Churros: you are the apples of both parents’ eyes.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: chocolate, churros, cinnamon, general mills, toast crunch. 2 Comments

Sep. ’20

News: Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch 2020 & New Elf Cereal

December 2020: The Toast Crunch Dynasty’s Last Stand. As the snow piles around the old cathedral and the rabid Teddy Grahams—prematurely upset from their winter slumber—keep pouring through the crunched-open stained glass windows. What few Crazy Squares remain regret cannibalizing their Churro & French Toast comrades. They sharpen their sugar cookie shurikens and prepare to defend their cereal’s legacy. Cinnamon Toast Crunch? An irrelevant cereal? Over their soggy bodies.

I over-exaggerate, of course: Cinnamon Toast Crunch is one of the most popular cereals ever, and such acclaim is unlikely to dissipate any time soon. But between Honey Maid Cinnamon Graham Crunch and Malt-O-Meal ChurrO’s, Post has proven how much better Cinnamon Toast Crunch could be if it really applied itself. Despite this, Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch as of yet has no equal, let alone a superior. For the time being, the annual return of Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch is worth celebrating.

The stuff isn’t all that flavorfully complicated—it’s doughy and buttery, yet still lightly cinnamon’d and heavily sugared. According to General Mills, SCTC is already shipping to stores, so once you get over the cross-temporal discomfort of seeing holiday cereals next to Halloween ones, I encourage you to pick up enough boxes to catapult from a second-story window at trick-or-treaters. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: holiday, movie cereals, toast crunch. 4 Comments