According to the box, Bear Naked Cereal’s new Chocolate Almond Clusters are “APPROVED BY BEARS.”
Personally, I’d like to see the National Bear Advisory Board’s citations on this, because like many mammals, bears can’t eat chocolate! The stuff contains theobromine, a chemical that’s toxic to our furry friends. So why, then, would the entire bear population sign off—in all capital letters, no less—on a cereal that contains enough cocoa to have them growling “oh no” as they cartoonishly grip their stomachs like Yogi Bear after stealing a picnic basket full of potato salad that’s been in the sun too long?
Are they trying to fatten us up with a calorie-dense breakfast so we taste better later? Are the bears just bad at reading contractual fine print? Or is this all just a pointlessly long-winded introduction I wrote to hide the fact that I spent $4 on this cereal?
The leftover milk at the bottom of the bowl is the unsung hero of breakfast cereal. Infused with the eroded sugary essence of a million flakes, loops, pebbles, or maple Parisian bread slices, this swirlingly sweet milk is so good that I even unknowingly coined* a term for it: “endmilk.”
*By “coined,” I mean that I always thought endmilk was the stuff’s proper taxonomic name, until spellcheck’s angry red squiggle told me otherwise
But now instead of being an oft-forgotten appendix to breakfast that some people even (*gasp*) pour down the drain, cereal milk is becoming dessert’s decadent guest of honor, as Ben & Jerry’s has debuted three new Cereal Splashback flavors inspired by iconic cereals and their endmilk: Continue reading →
Finally: now that all those Hallo-Thanks-‘mas-New-Valen-hog things are over, we can celebrate the real most wonderful time of the year.
That’s right, it’s March 7th: National Cereal Day! Today’s our day, breakfast lovers. A day when we can run a shoe buffer over our favorite shiny spoon, eat Cocoa Puffs for every meal plus dessert (which we were going to do anyway), and make fun of health-conscious cereal haters—because you don’t see kale smoothies getting their own national holiday, do you?
As usual, the Lucky Charming, Cinnamon Toasting folks at General Mills gifted me an awesome, retro-themed National Cereal Day care package. With a sturdy cereal bowl and t-shirt celebrating this holiday’s “OGs,” a suite of cereal boxes, an actual Rubik’s Cube, and more holographic plastic squiggles than their are permutations of a Rubik’s Cube, this care package is as wholesome as it is bowl-some.
Last year I celebrated National Cereal Day by counting down my favorite cereals of all time. As March 7th approached and my calendar’s ink started running under the worried grip of my sweaty mitts, I wasn’t sure how to follow this for Cerealously’s second year on the world wide web. But after looking at General Mills’s included “fun fact” sheet, it dawned on me: Continue reading →
Spider-Man. Spider-Man. His cereal’s next to the Raisin Bran.
Beware, Canadian evil-doers: you can’t run from justice, even at breakfast, because Spider-Man is taking over Post cereal boxes to celebrate the launch of his upcoming Spider-Man Homecoming movie.
(Well, I guess criminals could just eat Honey Bunches of Oats exclusively, as the villainous Vulture has made that box his nest).
The boxes are hitting Canadian stores at the beginning of May, but thanks to the heroic help of Junk Food Dog, we’ve got an early scoop—getting exclusive photos of Spider-Man makes me feel like J. Jonah Jameson, so I’d better start growing my mustache now.
This isn’t the first time the U.S. has missed out on an exclusive Spider-Man cereal. Just last year, Australia was blessed with the above Ultimate Spider-Man cereal—although I don’t remember there being an issue where Spider-Man shoots sweetened chocolate rings out of his wrists.
Oh well, I won’t complain about other countries getting all the coolest superhero snacks. After all, America did get Kraft Spider-Man Macaroni & Cheese: arguably the greatest thing to happen to mac & cheese since the birth of breadcrumbs.
Why am I reviewing a product that’s decidedly not cereal, a Pop-Tart, or oatmeal?
I’ll answer that question with a question: why am I getting defensive about hypothetical questions that no one’s actually asking? The real reason I’m giving Special K’s new(ish) Caramel Nut Protein Bites a spotlighted review is because, after January’s firestorm of new cereals—which featured adaptations of every doughy delicacy from cookies to pancakes and back to cookies again—I’m struggling to fresh and relevant new products to write 700 excessive words about. If you see me reviewing Rice Chex next week, you’ll know I’m really spooning the bottom of the barrel.
Besides, when I scanned my Protein Bites, the check-out machine called them “KLLGG CERL.” So take that, imaginary critics! Continue reading →
♪ New York, New York: a helluva town. The Bronx is up, and the new café serving blended toaster pastry milkshakes is down! ♪
Sorry if there are any unexpected typos or short circuits in this post. My mouth is watering like Niagara, and my keyboard’s in the splash zone. But how could I not be spilling anticipatory drool by the barrelful when Pop-Tarts keeps tempting us with photos and videos of their Pop-Tarts Café?
Open until March 12th in New York City, this pop-up (pun intended, I’m sure) shop is the spiritual successor to Kellogg’s earlier cereal café. But the Pop-Tarts Café amps up the customization and Wild Berry wackiness far beyond the cereal joint’s wildest dreams. I’d you can’t watch the video above, know that their menu contains: Continue reading →
Ready your spoons, steady your milk-pouring hands, and put those Teddy Grahams aside, because last year’s best U.S. granola is coming to Canada.
See, as part of their 2016 new product blitz, Nature Valley introduced Granola Crunch to the United States. The stuff comes in Cinnamon and Maple Brown Sugar flavors and it tastes like syrup-slathered Teddy Graham gravel and I love it and it didn’t get nearly as much recognition as it deserves and it makes me use too many conjunctions and did I mention I love it?
And now thanks to our Instagram friend Nicole, we know this delightful line is migrating northward to enchant even more taste buds. The name is different—and Crunchy Bar Granola sounds way cooler than Granola Crunch—but for all intents and purposes, the stuff looks the same: crumbly chunks of real Nature Valley granola bars in vastly varying sizes.
What’s different is the flavors. Cinnamon has been granted dual citizenship, but for some reason Maple Brown Sugar didn’t make it into maple leaf country. I’m a Michigander who lives near the Canadian border who also loves this stuff, so the only logical explanation is that I unknowingly seized all the Maple Brown Sugar Granola Crunch in my sleep.
It sure explains the crumbs on my pillow.
Instead of Maple Brown Sugar, Canada gets an Oats & Honey Crunchy Bar Granola, which, though a little redundant, sounds delightful. If it doesn’t taste exactly like compact nuggets of Honey Nut Cheerios and mashed-up Oatmeal Creme Pies, I’ll be sorely disappointed in Nature Valley—I’ve come to expect a lot from them.
Here’s hoping Oats & Honey will find its way southward to American shelves, and vice-versa for Maple Brown Sugar. And hopefully they’ll sell well enough to inspire a peanut butter flavor.
*hint hint, Nature Valley*
Thanks again to Nicole for the photo. Do you have a cool cereal photo to share? Feel free to pass it along on our submissions page, or just email us at cerealously.net@gmail.com. There’s a good chance your picture could be featured on the site.
But not until today have the two joined forces for a tasty crossover that’s more satisfying than The Jetsons Meet The Flintstones, Scooby-Doo Meets the Harlem Globetrotters, and The Jimmy Timmy Power Hour combined. You’ll notice that I’ve never reviewed granola bars, either. That’s because raw oats are simply one step of effort too far away from pipin’ hot oatmeal or Cracklin’ Oat Bran. In my eyes, it takes a microwave or a mill press to turn plain grains into breakfast.
So it’s time to grow up, granola bars, because oatmeal bars have everything you do—just with a lot more gumption. Oh, and in this case: oodles of strawberry jelly, too. Continue reading →
