Category Archives: Reviews

Review: Sweet Dreams Cereals

Aw jeez, gotta write quick: I feel like I’m reviewing on a timer here, like an Evangelion unit disconnected from its power supply. If I trail off mid-sentence, you’ll know that Sweet Dreams Cereal worked and I fell asle

…

Just kidding, I’m still here and (debatably) lucid. Though my eyes are feeling heavy—but is that because Sweet Dreams, the first cereal designed to be eaten at night to promote restful sleep (with its natural melatonin production-supporting vitamins & minerals), actually works, or because it simply bores me to sleep? Well, turn on your device’s blue-light filter, slip into your finest Sleepytime Tea Bear nightgown/sleeping cap combo, and we’ll all find out together. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: blueberry, honey, post. 1 Comment

Dec. ’22

Review: Cheerios Oat Crunch – Berry

Senioritis is real.

In my fourth year at the fancy-pants math & science high school I went to—which I mention not as a brag, for it was essentially just a safe haven for nerds who’d get be-swirlied and de-lunch-moneyed otherwise—my annual research group fell so far from our former graces. Where once we studied the effects of atmospheric conditions on things like coffee acidity and laser attenuation, we ended our esteemed tenure like a squeaking mouse fart in the night, deciding instead to determine the effect of a potato’s surface area on its rate of osmosis….a question so obvious that a root vegetable hooked to a battery could probably figure it out.

Naturally, our teacher admonished us but ultimately let us get away with it, because once you’re mentally checked out with the tantalizing liberation of college on the horizon, it would take a menacing cyborg library cop to check us back in. And luckily, our little geek asylum wasn’t that well funded.

Why do I bring this up? Because “Berry” is now the fourth member to join the Cheerios Oat Crunch family of cereals, an esteemed breakfast dynasty that I’ve no-doubt given more consistently positive feedback than any other cereal line reviewed on this site. Between the tongue-hugging warmth of Cinnamon Oat Crunch, the golden perfection of Oats ‘N Honey (well, other than that imperfectly stylized ‘N), and the nutty nuance of Almond Oat Crunch, Cheerios G.O.A.T. Crunch has truly done no wrong…

…and now we have Berry.

I think you can see where I’m going with this. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: cheerios, oat crunch, raspberry. 2 Comments

Nov. ’22

Review: Elf on the Shelf North Pole Snow Creme Cereal

Ah, now that Thanksgiving—with all its bountiful feasts, plentiful horns, and wishful bones—is over, it’s time to dive into the holiday season with everyone’s favorite yuletide tradition.

Which one, you ask? Decorating the tree? Crudely icing gingerbread cookies to look like your most cannibalizable loved ones? Or perhaps foisting reindeer antlers on your soon-to-be ho-ho-homicidal cat?

Oh, no, we’re talking about the most treasured, timeless Christmas rite of all: hiding a wretched little uncanny creature around your home who will proverbially invade your privacy with its eerie omnipresence!

Seriously though, does anyone actually like The Elf on the Shelf? I certainly haven’t met anyone who does. I’m convinced the whole thing’s a psyop by The Elf itself, who’s collected enough damning nocturnal footage through its prying (beady, sinister, soulless) eyes to blackmail the global marketing elite into helping its species reproduce.

And reproduce it has. Somehow, 2022’s new North Pole Snow Creme is the fourth EotS cereal to hit shelves (and stay there, unsold). Between the earlier Sugar Cookie one, the Peppermint one, and the Hot Cocoa one, the quality of this Elf’s oeuvre runs the gamut from awful to alright at best, so I’m not going into this new one with high hopes. Let’s just hope that if I give him another bad review, The Elf won’t pour glue in my 2%.

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: holiday, kellogg's. 1 Comment

Nov. ’22

Review: Avatar x Kellogg’s Pandora Frosted Flakes

Wow, I can’t believe we’re finally getting a cereal flavored like my favorite regional Midwest ice cre—wait, what? You’re telling me the “Blue Moons” in these ~~Frosted~~ Pandora Flakes have nothing to do with the sorcerously ambiguous berry-marshmallow nectar of my youth?

Yeugh. Well fine, I’ll still give this Avatar: The Way of Water / Kellogg’s collab the time of day (2:05p.m. EST, to be specific), but only because I love this new trend of letting Tony the Tiger flex his cinematic bravado instead of putting any actual movie characters on the box. You can just tell he’s begging to be roped into somebody’s movie multiverse.

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: blueberry, kellogg's, movie cereals. 3 Comments

Oct. ’22

Review: Franken Berry and Boo Berry Yoplait Yogurts

Oh, Trix Yogurt, how I’ve missed you.

Not in a “physical scarcity” sense, mind you. Trix Yogurt took a 5 year hiatus from shelves around 2016, so yes, for a while, that nostalgic itch was impossible to scratch (unless you were a lunchlady, because you could still order the stuff from General Mills’ foodservice catalogue). But even since Trix Yogurt made its triumphant return in the spring of 2021, I still haven’t bought any. I guess I just unconsciously consigned it to the museum of memory: a glimmering pastel relic of a treasured past whose shine I dare not spoil by revisiting it with an adult’s jaded taste buds. Much like Oreo Cakesters, which I also haven’t eaten since their re-continuation, I simply doubted I could go on living if my favorite childhood yogurt wasn’t as good as I remembered.

But with the launch of these new Franken Berry and Boo Berry Yogurts from Yoplait, I finally have an impossible-to-ignore reason to try these two-toned treats again. See, when Trix Yogurt returned last year, they came back in “Strawberry” and “Berry” flavors, making it pretty clear that “Screamin’ Strawberry” and “Boo Blueberry” are just the Trix Rabbit’s cultured progeny wearing Monster Cereal masks.

That may be a little lazy, but I’ll never blame General Mills for expanding the Monsters’ reach beyond the cereal aisle, whether that’s in the form of cookies, Fruit Roll-Ups, or otherwise. Long live the Count & Co.! Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: boo berry, franken berry, general mills, monster cereals, non cereal. 1 Comment

Oct. ’22

Review: Kellogg’s Little Debbie Nutty Buddy Cereal

You ever try to turn a great idea you’ve had into a real drawing, only for it to fall flat? Or maybe you’ve tried telling someone about a vivid dream, only for the magic to get lost in translation? Or heck, maybe you’ve simply seen any live-action adaptation of an animated series?

What I’m saying is, that’s basically how I feel about cerealized versions of existing desserts. Given the breakfast medium’s inherent constraints on acceptable delectability (though some really push the limits), we’re just never going to get a cereal that’s as dense, fudgy, ooey nor gooey as its namesake cake, pie, or cookie. And I think people understand that, but it’s nevertheless a little disappointing when something like Kellogg’s Cosmic Brownies Cereal comes out, and it tastes nothing like the raw euphoric indulgence we’ve come to expect from Deb the Dextrose Temptress.

On the other hand, sometimes you get the likes of Kellogg’s Oatmeal Creme Pies Cereal, and while it may still be a far cry from the real thing, the cereal at least takes its own creative spin on the source material and manages to be pleasant enough in its own right.

So with Kellogg’s third attempt at breakfastifying a classic convenience store snarf-em-up, it’s hard to know what to expect from Nutty Buddy Cereal. Guess I’ll have to just shut up, nut up, and fess up. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: chocolate, kellogg's, peanut butter. 9 Comments

Sep. ’22

Review: Pillsbury Monster Cereal Shape Cookies – Count Chocula & Franken Berry!

I’ll just say it: Count Chocula and Franken Berry don’t understand Halloween. Fun-sized Snickers and whimsical apple-Roberting aside, the holiday is supposed to be scary: slashers, head bashers, teeth gnashers and all that heebie-jeebie jazz.

Yet this toothsome twosome is hawking us Pillsbury shaped sugar cookie dough that’s safe to eat raw? Where’s the danger? The thrill? Risking salmonella is half the fun—I mean, at least throw a couple loose jagged metal shavings into the mix, keep it interesting. Some eccentric bug larvae, or mutagenic research chemicals, maybe.

Oh well, I guess I’ll have to manufacture my own danger by eating these aw shucks sugar pucks fresh out of the oven, while they’re still monstrously molten. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: count chocula, franken berry, general mills, monster cereals, non cereals. Leave a comment

Aug. ’22

Review: CinnaFuego Toast Crunch

Well, here I stand. On the precipice of hitherto untouched territory, gripping the first-ever spicy cereal with quivering mitts, like I’m Neo about to take my own personal red pill (y’know, before that term was irretrievably tarnished).

But will this precipice be a mere waypoint preceding cereal innovation’s newest pinnacle? Or the edge of a steep cliff that drops off into the fiery pits of Hell?

Allow me to find out, as your sacrificial scout. Your dauntless Dante. Your cinna-guinea pig.

Here goes nothing: one giant leap for Dan-kind. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: general mills, toast crunch. 10 Comments