Category Archives: Reviews

Bite-Sized Reviews: DC’s Strong Berry Cereal, Cinnamon Toast Crunch Rolls, and Bath & Body Works Rainbow Cereal Soap

Bite-Sized Review: Though I'd prefer if it were Superman ice cream-flavored, with an oat and corn base, this stuff pleasantly tastes like old-school Franken Berry! However, it could've gone from "just good" to "great" if that strawberry flavor were, ironically, a little stronger. pic.twitter.com/D66Bh4iaz0

— Cerealously 🥛🥣 (@cerealouslynet) July 11, 2022

*Jean-Ralphio voice*

I’m the woooorst!

Folks, I’ll admit: between my day job, other writing projects, and the *gestures vaguely at everything*, I still haven’t really been feeling the long-form blogging bug for the past couple months. But that doesn’t mean I’ve been slouching on new cereal news and taste tests. On both The Empty Bowl and my Twitter, I still regularly share my thoughts on everything new and crunchy (and in this case, soapy) at the breakfast table.

Here are a few of my recent itty-bitty breakdowns. Stay tuned for more (and hopefully lengthier) content soon!

Bite-Sized Review: I'll admit, I was wrong. Thought this would be another cheap reshaping a la CTC Churros, but the lil rounds work SO well.

They allow for safer high-velocity munching, plus the little perforated swirls allow more flavor dust to settle into their sweet crevasses pic.twitter.com/ZOVmSF54RM

— Cerealously 🥛🥣 (@cerealouslynet) July 12, 2022

Ok, ok: in all honesty, this stuff does smell like Fruity Pebbles….if you took the already artificially flavored Fruity Pebbles and made another recursively artificial version of it.

Not bad, but in general I'd prefer to not get hungry every time I smell my hands.

— Cerealously 🥛🥣 (@cerealouslynet) July 7, 2022

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: cinnamon, general mills, pebbles, quaker, toast crunch. Leave a comment

Jun. ’22

Review: Honey Vanilla Cheerios

Ever wonder what a plain ol’ butter & jelly sandwich might taste like? What about simply sour chicken, an unadorned upside-down cake, or a pizza topped only with…pepper?

Yeah, me either. But that’s the Honey Vanilla Cheerios experience: like eating something extremely familiar, but without one of the signature, accenting somethings that define the dish. Granted, I’m exaggerating, and Honey Vanilla Cheerios don’t taste as bad as fouled fowl, but it’s palpably missing something.

And that something, dear reader, is Nut.

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: cheerios, general mills, honey, vanilla. 3 Comments

Jun. ’22

Review: Trix Trax

Name: 10/10, would attempt to utter ten times tongue-twistingly fast in a public space, resulting in prompt institutionalization.

Box design: 10/10, love to imagine a world where a cartoon rabbit and a photorealistic Tyrannosaurus get into all kinds of Road Runner-y hijinks—and where said cereal-swiping Rabbit, with his forward-facing eyes, is no longer the alpha predator.

But the taste of Trix Trax? Well, let’s talk, squawk, and lumbering walk about it. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: general mills, trix. 3 Comments

May. ’22

Quick Review: Banana Caramel Cheerios

Banana Caramel Cheerios? More like, Caramel Banana Cheerios!

That’s it.

That’s the whole review.

Go on, you’ve got like, Neopets to feed, right?

…

Okay fine, I’ll elaborate. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: banana, caramel, cheerios, general mills. 2 Comments

May. ’22

Review: Strawberry Milkshake Frosted Flakes & Cinnamon French Toast Frosted Flakes

Note: though Chocolate is included in this lineup of new boxes, I won’t be reviewing it here, since it’s unchanged. You can find my original review here.

Tony, my man. Can I call you Tony Baloney?

No?

How about Riga-Tony? Tonyboy? Tony Island Mile-High Chili Dogs?

Alright, fine, let’s just get down to business…Anthony. Fact of the matter is, I’m impressed. You’re really embracing your right brain lately. I know it can be tempting to trust your business sense and realize that you could probably finance the entire Frosted Flakes brand interminably just by cheaply chucking in new marbits and mixing together existing cereals. But as much of a smart tiger as you are, I can tell you’re truly an artist at heart. And an athlete, too—geez, no wonder the Twitter furries thirsted you off the platform: you’ve got it all!

You’re so creatively inclined that you decided to bless us with not one, but two twinkling new cereal flavors—and neither have chintzy, redundant marshmallows! Sure, my bar for being impressed by new cereals has limboed lower and lower over the past purgatorial half year of lazy cereal-smithing, but hey, I’m going to stay positive and tackle the Strawberry Milkshaked and Cinnamon French Toasted fruits of your labor with gusto. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: cinnamon, frosted flakes, kellogg's, maple, strawberry. 1 Comment

May. ’22

Review: General Mills Filled Bites (Prototypes?)

Allow me to preface this review with the disclaimer that I honestly have no idea if these Filled Bites will ever hit mainstream shelves. I first heard about these two cereals via the insider tip of a Hy-Vee worker at a Minneapolis location often used as a General Mills new product test store. Then I got these two boxes (with different artwork) from reader Ryan (thank you kindly!), but they also seem like samples. The artwork feels more finalized, but it’s just art on both sides, plus the box is a thinner cardboard than regular cereal boxes.

Plus plus, there’s a landing page out there for a possible Cinnamon Toast Crunch Filled Bites—which, while still apparently in its prototype stage would likely replace Pillsbury Cinnamon Roll here—as CTC no doubt has bigger brand clout with the kids today than portly/chortly ol’ Poppin’ Fresh. That guy lost the youth the minute the similarly glossy Hamburger Helper rhymed him outta relevancy.

Which is all to say that, ultimate widespread legitimacy of these Filled Bites aside, I feel a need to review them, if only to uphold the ephemeral legacy of Fillows—a decidedly dank and decadently dense cereal line that deserved way better. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: cinnamon, general mills, golden grahams, s'mores. 2 Comments

Apr. ’22

Review: Cinnamon Toast Crunch Creamy Cinnamon Spread

There are some things it feels like you just can’t do on supermarket shelves, even if there’s no explicit rule against it.

You can’t put a cute mascot shaped like a carton of milk on a box of bleach. Or at least I imagine you probably can’t.

You can’t say your plastic bottle is made from “100% Ocean-Bound Plastic” because that’s worded so confusingly and sounds like it’s made 100% from plastic that’s bound for the ocean, rather than just adding a word and saying “100% Previously Ocean-Bound Plastic.” But Windex does this anyway.

And you can’t market cinnamon bun pancake batter as a versatile creamy spread. It just feels criminal! Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: cinnamon, general mills, non cereal. 5 Comments